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Slide 1: How To Behave: A Pocket Manual Of Republican Etiquette, And Guide To Correct Personal Habits Embracing An Exposition Of The Principles Of Good Manners; Useful Hints On The Care Of The Person, Eating, Drinking, Exercise, Habits, Dress, Self-Culture, And Behavior At Home; The Etiquette Of Salutations, Introductions, Receptions, Visits, Dinners, Evening Parties, Conversation, Letters, Presents, Weddings, Funerals, The Street, The Church, Places Of Amusement, Traveling, Etc., With Illustrative Anecdotes, a Chapter on Love and Courtship, and Rules of Order for Debating Societies By Samuel R Wells www.e-bestsellers.com www.UniversalPublishingLTD.com
Slide 2: You have full giveaway rights to this ebook. You may give away or include this as a bonus in any product and membership site. Congratulations – You Get FREE Giveaway Rights To This Entire Ebook For Master Resell Rights you can contact us: amr.expert@gmail.com !!! Download Free Ebooks, Software, Scripts, Audio/Video Tutorials with Master Resell HERE Completely FREE! www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 3: LEGAL NOTICE: The Publisher has strived to be as accurate and complete as possible in the creation of this report, notwithstanding the fact that he does not warrant or represent at any time that the contents within are accurate due to the rapidly changing nature of the Internet. While all attempts have been made to verify information provided in this publication, the Publisher assumes no responsibility for errors, omissions, or contrary interpretation of the subject matter herein. Any perceived slights of specific persons, peoples, or organizations are unintentional. In practical advice books, like anything else in life, there are no guarantees of income made. Readers are cautioned to reply on their own judgment about their individual circumstances to act accordingly. This book is not intended for use as a source of legal, business, accounting or financial advice. All readers are advised to seek services of competent professionals in legal, business, accounting, and finance field. You are encouraged to print this book for easy reading. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 4: About The Publisher high-level achievement and has become synonymous with excellence in business, sport, and personal life. You will learn about the best tips and recommendations to improve your health, weight and wealth. Anne-Marie Ronsen is the author of many wealth and self development books. She offers personal strategies for self-leadership critical to getting ahead and staying ahead in a world accelerating in fast forward, where knowledge is the ultimate power, where human resources are more valuable than natural resources, and where the rule is MONEY. Anne-Marie Ronsen’s name is legendary in the field of © Copyright 2000 Anne-Marie Ronsen ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. DISCLAIMER AND/OR LEGAL NOTICES: The information presented herein represents the view of the author as of the date of publication. Because of the rate with which conditions change, the author reserves the right to alter and update his opinion based on the new conditions. The report is for informational purposes only. While every attempt has been made to verify the information provided in this report, neither the author nor his affiliates/partners assume any responsibility for errors, inaccuracies or omissions. Any slights of people or organizations are unintentional. If advice concerning legal or related matters is needed, the services of a fully qualified professional should be sought. This report is not intended for use as a source of legal or accounting advice. You should be aware of any laws which govern business transactions or other business practices in your country and state. Any reference to any person or business whether living or dead is purely coincidental. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 5: INTRODUCTION Politeness Defined--The Foundation of Good Manners--The Civil Code and the Code of Civility--The Instinct of Courtesy-Chesterfield's Method--The Golden Rule--American Politeness-Utility of Good Manners Illustrated. I.--PERSONAL HABITS. Where to Commence--Care of the Person a Social Duty--Cleanliness-The Daily Bath--Soap and Water--The Feet--Change of Linen--The Nails--The Head--The Teeth--The Breath--Eating and Drinking--What to Eat--When to Eat--How much to Eat--What to Drink--Breathing-Exercise--The Complexion--Tobacco--Spitting--Gin and Gentility-Onions, etc.--Little Things II.--DRESS. The Meaning of Dress--The Uses of Dress--Fitness the First Essential--The Art of Dress--The Short Dress for Ladies-Working-Dress for Gentlemen--Ornaments--Materials for Dress--Mrs. Manners on Dress--The Hair and Beard--Art _vs._ Fashion--Signs of the Good Time Coming III.--SELF-CULTURE. Moral and Social Training--Cultivation of Language--Position and www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 6: Movement--The Ease and Grace of Childhood--Standing--Sitting-Walking--Hints to the Ladies--Self-Command--Observation--Practical Lesson IV.--FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLES. Manners and Morals--Human Rights--Duties--The Rights of the Senses--The Faculties and their Claims--Expression of Opinions--The Sacredness of Privacy--Conformity--Singing out of Tune--Doing as the Romans Do--Courtesy _vs._ Etiquette--An Anecdote--Harmony--Equality--A Remark to be Remembered--General Principles more Important than Particular Observances V.--DOMESTIC MANNERS. A Test of Good Manners--Good Behavior at Home--American Children--Teaching Children to be Polite--Behavior to Parents--Brothers and Sisters--Husband and Wife--Married Lovers--Entertaining Guests--Letting your Guests Alone--Making one "at Home"--Making Apologies--Duties of Guests--Treatment of Servants--Rights of Servants--"Thank You" VI.--THE OBSERVANCES OF EVERY-DAY LIFE. Introductions--Letters of Introduction--Speaking without an Introduction--Salutations--Receptions--Visits and Calls--Table Manners--Conversations--Chesterfield on Conversation--Music-Letters and Notes--Up and Down Stairs--Which Goes First?--An American Habit--Gloved or Ungloved?--Equality--False Shame-Pulling out one's Watch--Husband and Wife--Bowing _vs._ Curtseying--Presents--Snobbery--Children VII.--ETIQUETTE OF OCCASIONS. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 7: Dinner Parties--Invitations--Dress--Punctuality--Going to the Table--Arrangement of Guests--Duties of the Host--Duties of the Guests--The "Grace"--Eating Soup--Fish--The Third Course--What to do with your Knife and Fork--Declining Wine--Finger Glasses-Carving--Evening Parties and their Observances--French Leave-Sports and Games--Promiscuous Kissing--Dancing--Christmas--The New Year--Thanksgiving--Birthdays--Excursions and Picnics-Weddings--Funerals VIII.--THE ETIQUETTE OF PLACES. How to Behave on the Street--Stopping Business Men on the Street-Walking with Ladies--Shopping--At Church--At Places of Amusement-In a Picture Gallery--The Presence--Traveling--The Rush for Places--The Rights of Fellow-Travelers--Giving up Seats to the Ladies--A Hint to the Ladies on Politeness--Paying Fares IX.--LOVE AND COURTSHIP. Boyish Loves--The Proper Age to Marry--Waiting for a Fortune-Importance of Understanding Physiological Laws--Earnestness and Sincerity in Love--Particular Attentions--Presents--Confidants-Declarations--Asking "Pa"--Refusals--Engagement--Breaking Off-Marriage X.--PARLIAMENTARY ETIQUETTE. Courtesy in Debate--Origin of the Parliamentary Code--Rules of Order--Motions--Speaking--Submitting a Question--Voting--A Quorum The Democratic Principle--Privileged Questions--Order of Business--Order of Debate XI.--MISCELLANEOUS MATTERS. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 8: Republican Distinctions--Natural Inequalities--American Toad Eaters--General Lack of Reverence for Real Nobility--City and Country--Imported Manners--Fictitious Titles--A Mirror for Certain Men--Washington's Code of Manners--Our Social Uniform--A Hint to the Ladies--An Obliging Disposition--Securing a Home--Taste _vs._ Fashion--Special Claims--Propriety of Deportment--False Pride--Awkwardness of being Dressed XII.--MAXIMS FROM CHESTERFIELD. Cheerfulness and Good Humor--The Art of Pleasing--Adaptation of Manners--Bad Habits--Do what you are About--People who Never Learn--Local Manners--How to Confer Favors--How to Refuse-Spirit--Civility to Women XIII.--ILLUSTRATIVE ANECDOTES. Elder Blunt and Sister Scrub Taking off the Hat, or John and his Employer--A Learned Man at Table--English Women in High Life-"Say so, if you Please" www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 9: PREFACE. This is an honest and earnest little book, if it has no other merit; and has been prepared expressly for the use of the young people of our great Republic, whom it is designed to aid in becoming, what we are convinced they all desire to be, true American ladies and gentlemen. Desiring to make our readers something better than mere imitators of foreign manners, often based on social conditions radically different from our own--something better than imitators of _any_ manners, in fact, we have dwelt at greater length and with far more emphasis upon general principles, than upon special observances, though the latter have their place in our work. It has been our first object to impress upon their minds the fact, that good manners and good morals rest upon the same basis, and that justice and benevolence can no more be satisfied without the one than without the other. As in the other numbers of this series of Hand-Books, so in this, we have aimed at usefulness rather than originality; but our plan being radically different from that of most other manuals of etiquette, we have been able to avail ourself to only a very limited extent of the labors of others, except in the matter of mere conventional forms. Sensible of the imperfections of our work, but hoping that it will do some acceptable service in the cause of good manners, and aid, in a humble way, in the building up of a truly American and republican school of politeness, we now submit it, with great deference, to a discerning public. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 10: INTRODUCTION. Some one has defined politeness as "only an elegant form of justice;" but it is something more. It is the result of the combined action of all the moral and social feelings, guided by judgment and refined by taste. It requires the exercise of benevolence, veneration (in its human aspect), adhesiveness, and ideality, as well as of conscientiousness. It is the spontaneous recognition of human solidarity--the flowering of philanthropy--the fine art of the social passions. It is to the heart what music is to the ear, and painting and sculpture to the eye. One can not commit a greater mistake than to make politeness a mere matter of arbitrary forms. It has as real and permanent a foundation in the nature and relations of men and women, as have government and the common law. The civil code is not more binding upon us than is the code of civility. Portions of the former become, from time to time, inoperative--mere dead letters on the statute-book, on account of the conditions on which they were founded ceasing to exist; and many of the enactments of the latter lose their significance and binding force from the same cause. Many of the forms now in vogue, in what is called fashionable society, are of this character. Under the circumstances which called them into existence they were appropriate and beautiful; under changed circumstances they are simply absurd. There are other forms of observances over which time and place have no influence--which are always and everywhere binding. Politeness itself is always the same. The rules of etiquette, which are merely the forms in which it finds expression, vary with time and place. A sincere regard for the rights of others, in the smallest matters as well as the largest, genuine kindness of heart; good taste, and self-command, which are the foundations of good manners, are never www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 11: out of fashion; and a person who possesses them can hardly be rude or discourteous, however far he may transgress conventional usages: lacking these qualities, the most perfect knowledge of the rules of etiquette and the strictest observance of them will not suffice to make one truly polite. "Politeness," says La Bruyere, "seems to be a certain care, by the manner of our words and actions, to make others pleased with us and themselves." This definition refers the matter directly to those qualities of mind and heart already enumerated as the foundations of good manners. To the same effect is the remark of Madame Celnart, that "the grand secret of never-failing propriety of deportment is _to have an intention of always doing right_." Some persons have the "instinct of courtesy" so largely developed that they seem hardly to need culture at all. They are equal to any occasion, however novel. They never commit blunders, or if they do commit them, they seem not to be blunders in them. So there are those who sing, speak, or draw intuitively--by inspiration. The great majority of us, however, must be content to acquire these arts by study and practice. In the same way we must acquire the art of behavior, so far as behavior is an art. We must possess, in the first place, a sense of equity, good-will toward our fellow-men, kind feelings, magnanimity and self-control. Cultivation will do the rest. But we most never forget that manners as well as morals are founded on certain eternal principles, and that while "the _letter_ killeth," "the _spirit_ giveth _life_." The account which Lord Chesterfield gives of the method by which he acquired the reputation of being the most polished man in England, is a strong example of the efficacy of practice, in view of which no one need despair. He was naturally singularly deficient in that grace which afterward so distinguished him. "I had a strong desire," he says, "to please, and was sensible that I had nothing but the desire. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 12: I therefore resolved, if possible, to acquire the means too. I studied attentively and minutely the dress, the air, the manner, the address, and the turn of conversation of all those whom I found to be the people in fashion, and most generally allowed to please. I imitated them as well as I could: if I heard that one man was reckoned remarkably genteel, I carefully watched his dress, motions, and attitudes, and formed my own upon them. When I heard of another whose conversation was agreeable and engaging I listened and attended to the turn of it. I addressed myself, though _de tres mauvaise grace_ [with a very bad grace], to all the most fashionable fine ladies; confessed and laughed with them at my own awkwardness and rawness, recommending myself as an object for them to try their skill in forming." Lord Bacon says: "To attain good manners it almost sufficeth not to despise them, and that if a man labor too much to express them, he shall lose their grace, which is to be natural and unaffected." To these testimonies we may add the observation of La Rochefoucauld, that "in manners there are no good copies, for besides that the copy is almost always clumsy or exaggerated, the air which is suited to one person sits ill upon another." The greater must have been the genius of Chesterfield which enabled him to make the graces of others his own, appropriating them only so far as they _fitted him_, instead of blindly and servilely imitating his models. C. P. Bronson truly says: "In politeness, as in every thing else connected with the formation of character, we are too apt to begin on the outside, instead of the inside; instead of beginning with the heart, and trusting to that to form the manners, many begin with the manners, and leave the heart to chance and influences. The golden rule contains the very life and soul of politeness: 'Do unto others as you www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 13: would they should do unto you.' Unless children and youth are taught, by precept and example, to abhor what is selfish, and prefer another's pleasure and comfort to their own, their politeness will be entirely artificial, and used only when interest and policy dictate. True politeness is perfect freedom and ease, treating others just as you love to be treated. Nature is always graceful: affectation, with all her art, can never produce any thing half so pleasing. The very perfection of elegance is to imitate nature; how much better to have the reality than the imitation! Anxiety about the opinions of others fetters the freedom of nature and tends to awkwardness; all would appear well if they never tried to assume what they do not possess." A writer in _Life Illustrated_, to whose excellent observations on etiquette we shall have further occasion to refer, contends that the instinct of courtesy is peculiarly strong in the American people. "It is shown," he says, "in the civility which marks our intercourse with one another. It is shown in the deference which is universally paid to the presence of the gentler sex. It is shown in the excessive fear which prevails among us of offending public opinion. It is shown in the very extravagances of our costume and decoration, in our lavish expenditures upon house and equipage. It is shown in the avidity with which every new work is bought and read which pretends to lay down the laws that govern the behavior of circles supposed to be, _par excellence_, polite. It is shown in the fact, that, next to calling a man a liar, the most offensive and stinging of all possible expressions is, 'You are no gentleman!'" He claims that this is a national trait, and expresses the belief that every uncorrupt American man desires to be, and to be thought, a gentleman; that every uncorrupt American woman desires to be, and to be thought, a lady. "But," he adds, "the instinct of courtesy is not enough, nor is opportunity equivalent to possession. The truth is palpable, that our www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 14: men are not all gentlemen, nor our women all ladies, nor our children all docile and obliging. In that small and insignificant circle which is called 'Society,' which, small and insignificant as it is, gives the tone to the manners of the nation, the chief efforts seem to be, to cleanse the outside of the platter, to conceal defects by gloss and glitter. Its theory of politeness and its maxims of behavior are drawn from a state of things so different from that which here prevails, that they produce in us little besides an exaggerated ungracefulness, a painful constraint, a complete artificiality of conduct and character. We are trying to shine in borrowed plumes. We would glisten with foreign varnish. To produce an _effect_ is our endeavor. We prefer to _act_, rather than _live_. The politeness which is based on sincerity, good-will, self-conquest, and a minute, habitual regard for the rights of others, is not, we fear, the politeness which finds favor in the saloons upon which the upholsterer has exhausted the resources of his craft. Yet without possessing, in a certain degree, the qualities we have named, no man ever did, and no man ever will, become a gentleman. Where they do not bear sway, society may be brilliant in garniture, high in pretension, but it is intrinsically and incurably _vulgar_!" The utility of good manners is universally acknowledged perhaps, but the extent to which genuine courtesy may be made to contribute to our success as well as our happiness is hardly realized. We can not more satisfactorily illustrate this point than by quoting the following lesson of experience from the Autobiography of the late Dr. Caldwell, the celebrated physician and phrenologist: "In the year 1825 I made, in London, in a spirit of wager, a decisive and satisfactory experiment as to the effect of civil and courteous manners on people of various ranks and descriptions. "There were in a place a number of young Americans, who often complained to me of the neglect and rudeness experienced by them from www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 15: citizens to whom they spoke in the streets. They asserted, in particular, that as often as they requested directions to any point in the city toward which they were proceeding, they either received an uncivil and evasive answer, or none at all. I told them that my experience on the same subject had been exceedingly different: that I had never failed to receive a civil reply to my questions--often communicating the information requested: and that I could not help suspecting that their failure to receive similar answers arose, in part at least, if not entirely, to the plainness, not to say the bluntness, of their manner in making their inquiries. The correctness of this charge, however, they sturdily denied, asserting that their manner of asking for information was good enough for those to whom they addressed themselves. Unable to convince them by words of the truth of my suspicions, I proposed to them the following simple and conclusive experiment: "'Let us take together a walk of two or three hours in some of the public streets of the city. You shall yourselves designate the persons to whom I shall propose questions, and the subjects also to which the question shall relate; and the only restriction imposed is, that no question shall be proposed to any one who shall appear to be greatly hurried, agitated, distressed, or any other way deeply preoccupied, in mind or body, and no one shall speak to the person questioned but myself.' "My proposition being accepted, out we sallied, and to work we went; and I continued my experiment until my young friends surrendered at discretion, frankly acknowledging that my opinion was right, and theirs, of course was wrong; and that, in our passage through life, courtesy of address and deportment may be made both a pleasant and powerful means to attain our ends and gratify our wishes. "I put questions to more than twenty persons of every rank, from the high-bred gentleman to the servant in livery, and received in every www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 16: instance a satisfactory reply. If the information asked for was not imparted, the individual addressed gave an assurance of his at being unable to communicate it. "What seemed to surprise my friends was, that the individuals accosted by me almost uniformly imitated my own manner. If I uncovered my head, as I did in speaking to a gentleman, or even to a man of ordinary appearance and breeding, he did the same in his reply; and when I touched my hat to a liveried coachman or waiting man, his hat was immediately under his arm. So much may be done, and such advantages gained, by simply avoiding coarseness and vulgarity, and being well bred and agreeable. Nor can the case be otherwise. For the foundation of good breeding is good nature and good sense--two of the most useful and indispensable attributes of a well-constituted mind. Let it not be forgotten, however, that good breeding is not to be regarded as identical with politeness--a mistake which is too frequently, if not generally, committed. A person may be exceedingly polite without the much higher and more valuable accomplishment of good breeding." Believing that the natural qualities essential to the character of the gentleman or the lady exist in a high degree among our countrymen and countrywomen, and that they universally desire to develop these qualities, and to add to them the necessary knowledge of all the truly significant and living forms and usages of good society, we have written the work now before you. We have not the vanity to believe that the mere reading of it will, of itself, convert an essentially vulgar person into a lady or a gentleman; but we do hope that we have furnished those who most need it with available and efficient aid; and in this hope we dedicate this little "Manual of Republican Etiquette" to all who are, or would be, in the highest sense of these terms, TRUE REPUBLICAN LADIES OR GENTLEMEN www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 17: HOW TO BEHAVE. I. PERSONAL HABITS. Attention to the person is the first necessity of good manners.--_Anon._ I.--WHERE TO COMMENCE. If you wish to commence aright the study of manners, you must make your own person the first lesson. If you neglect this you will apply yourself to those which follow with very little profit. Omit, therefore, any other chapter in the book rather than this. The proper care and adornment of the person is a social as well as an individual duty. You have a right to go about with unwashed hands and face, and to wear soiled and untidy garments, perhaps, but you have no right to offend the senses of others by displaying such hands, face, and garments in society. Other people have rights as well as yourself, and no right of yours can extend so far as to infringe theirs. But we may safely assume that no reader of these pages wishes to render himself disgusting or even disagreeable or to cut himself off from the society of his fellow-men. We address those who seek social intercourse and desire to please. _They_ will not think our words amiss, even though they may seem rather "personal;" since we have www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 18: their highest good in view, and speak in the most friendly spirit. Those who do not need our hints and suggestions under this head, and to whom none of our remarks may apply, will certainly have the courtesy to excuse them for the sake of those to whom they will be useful. II.--CLEANLINESS. "Cleanliness is akin to godliness," it is said. It is not less closely related to gentility. First of all, then, keep yourself scrupulously clean--not your hands and face merely, but your whole person, from the crown of your head to the sole of your foot. Silk stockings may hide dirty feet and ankles from the eye, but they often reveal themselves to another sense, when the possessor little dreams of such an exposure. It is far better to dress coarsely and out of fashion and be strictly clean, than to cover a dirty skin with the finest and richest clothing. A coarse shirt or a calico dress is not necessarily vulgar, but dirt is essentially so. We do not here refer, of course, to one's condition while engaged in his or her industrial occupation. Soiled hands and even a begrimed face are badges of honor in the field, the workshop, or the kitchen, but in a country in which soap and water abound, there is no excuse for carrying them into the parlor or the dining-room. A clean skin is as essential to health, beauty, and personal comfort as it is to decency; and without health and that perfect freedom from physical disquiet which comes only from the normal action of all the functions of the bodily organs, your behavior can never be satisfactory to yourself or agreeable to others. Let us urge you, then, to give this matter your first attention. 1. _The Daily Bath._ www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 19: To keep clean you must bathe frequently. In the first place you should wash the whole body with pure soft water every morning on rising from your bed, rubbing it till dry with a coarse towel, and afterward using friction with the hands. If you have not been at all accustomed to cold bathing, commence with tepid water, lowering the temperature by degrees till that which is perfectly cold becomes agreeable. In warm weather, comfort and cleanliness alike require still more frequent bathing. Mohammed made frequent ablutions a religious duty; and in that he was right. The rank and fetid odors which exhale from a foul skin can hardly be neutralized by the sweetest incense of devotion. 2. _Soap and Water._ But the daily bath of which we have spoken is not sufficient. In addition to the pores from which exudes the watery fluid called perspiration, the skin is furnished with innumerable minute openings, known as the sebaceous follicles, which pour over its surface a thin limpid oil anointing it and rendering it soft and supple; but also causing the dust as well as the effete matter thrown out by the pores to adhere, and, if allowed to accumulate, finally obstructing its functions and causing disease. It also, especially in warm weather, emits an exceedingly disagreeable odor. Pure cold water will not wholly remove these oily accumulations. The occasional use of soap and warm or tepid water is therefore necessary; but all washings with soapy or warm water should be followed by a thorough rinsing with pure cold water. Use good, fine soap. The common coarser kinds are generally too strongly alkaline and have an unpleasant effect upon the skin. 3. _The Feet._ www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 20: The feet are particularly liable to become offensively odoriferous, especially when the perspiration is profuse. Frequent washings with cold water, with the occasional use of warm water and soap, are absolutely necessary to cleanliness. 4. _Change of Linen._ A frequent change of linen is another essential of cleanliness. It avails little to wash the body if we inclose it the next minute in soiled garments. It is not in the power of every one to wear fine and elegant clothes, but we can all, under ordinary circumstances, afford clean shirts, drawers, and stockings. Never sleep in any garment worn during the day; and your night-dress should be well aired every morning. 5. _The Nails._ You will not, of course, go into company, or sit down to the table, with soiled hands, but unless you habituate yourself to a special care of them, more or less dirt will be found lodged under the nails. Clean them carefully every time you wash your hands, and keep them smoothly and evenly cut. If you allow them to get too long they are liable to be broken off, and become uneven and ragged, and if you pare them too closely they fail to protect the ends of the fingers. 6. _The Head._ The head is more neglected, perhaps, than any other part of the body. The results are not less disastrous here than elsewhere. Dandruff forms, dust accumulates, the scalp becomes diseased, the hair grows dry, and falls off and if the evil be not remedied, premature baldness www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 21: ensues. The head should be thoroughly washed as often as cleanliness demands. This will not injure the hair, as many suppose, but, on the contrary, will promote its growth and add to its beauty. If soap is used, however, it should be carefully rinsed off. If the hair is carefully and _thoroughly_ brushed every morning, it will not require very frequent washings. If the scalp be kept in a healthy condition the hair will be moist, glossy, and luxuriant, and no oil or hair wash will be required; and these preparations generally do more harm than good. Night-caps are most unwholesome and uncleanly contrivances, and should be discarded altogether. They keep the head unnaturally warm, shut out the fresh air, and shut in those natural exhalations which should be allowed to pass off, and thus weaken the hair and render it more liable to fall off. Ladies may keep their hair properly together during repose by wearing a _net_ over it. 7. _The Teeth._ Do not forget the teeth. Cleanliness, health, a pure breath, and the integrity and durability of those organs require that they be thoroughly and effectually scoured with the tooth-brush dipped in soft water, with the addition of a little soap, if necessary, every morning. Brush them outside and inside, and in every possible direction. You can not be too careful in this matter. After brushing rinse your mouth with cold water. A slighter brushing should be given them after each meal. Use an ivory tooth-pick or a quill to remove any particles of food that may be lodged between the teeth. There are, no doubt, original differences in teeth, as in other parts of the human system, some being more liable to decay than others; but the simple means we have pointed out, if adopted in season and perseveringly applied, will preserve almost any teeth, in all their usefulness and reality, till old age. If yours have been neglected, and some of them are already decayed, hasten to preserve the www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 22: remainder. While you have _any_ teeth left, it is never too late to begin to take care of them; and if you have children, do not, we entreat you, neglect _their_ teeth. If the first or temporary teeth are cared for and preserved, they will be mainly absorbed by the second or permanent ones, and will drop out of themselves. The others, in that case, will come out regular and even. Beware of the teeth-powders, teeth-washes, and the like, advertised in the papers. They are often even more destructive to the teeth than the substances they are intended to remove. If any teeth-powder is required, pure powdered charcoal is the best thing you can procure; but if the teeth are kept clean, in the way we have directed, there will be little occasion for any other dentrifices than pure water and a little soap. Your tooth-brushes should be rather soft; those which are too hard injuring both the teeth and the gums. 8. _The Breath._ A bad breath arises more frequently than otherwise from neglected and decayed teeth. If it is occasioned by a foul stomach, a pure diet, bathing, water injections, and a general attention to the laws of health are required for its removal. III.--EATING AND DRINKING. Whatever has a bearing upon health has at least an indirect connection with manners; the reader will therefore excuse us for introducing here a few remarks which may seem, at the first glance, rather irrelevant. Sound lungs, a healthy liver, and a good digestion are as essential to the right performance of our social duties as they are to our own personal comfort; therefore a few words on eating and drinking, as affecting these, will not be out of place. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 23: 1. _What to Eat._ An unperverted appetite is the highest authority in matters of diet. In fact, its decisions should be considered final, and without the privilege of appeal. Nature makes no mistakes. The plant selects from the soil which its roots permeate, the chemical elements necessary to its growth and perfect development, rejecting with unerring certainty every particle which would prove harmful or useless. The wild animal chooses with equal certainty the various kinds of food adapted to the wants of its nature, never poisoning itself by eating or drinking any thing inimical to its life and health. The sense of taste and the wants of the system act in perfect harmony. So it should be with man. That which most perfectly gratifies the appetite should be the best adapted to promote health, strength, and beauty. But appetite, like all the other instincts or feelings of our nature, is liable to become perverted, and to lead us astray. We acquire a relish for substances which are highly hurtful, such as tobacco, ardent spirits, malt liquors, and the like. We have "sought out many inventions," to pander to false and fatal tastes, and too often eat, not to sustain life and promote the harmonious development of the system, but to poison the very fountains of our being and implant in our blood the seeds of disease. Attend to the demands of appetite, but use all your judgment in determining whether it is a natural, undepraved craving of the system which speaks, or an acquired and vicious taste, and give or withhold accordingly; and, above all, never eat when you have _no appetite_. Want of appetite is equivalent to the most authoritative command to _eat nothing_, and we disregard it at our peril. Food, no matter how www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 24: wholesome, taken into our stomachs under such circumstances, instead of being digested and appropriated, becomes rank poison. _Eating without appetite is one of the most fatal of common errors._ We have no room, even if we had the ability and the desire, to discuss the comparative merits of the two opposing systems of diet--the vegetarian and the mixed. We shall consider the question of flesh-eating an open one. Your food should be adapted to the climate, season, and your occupation. In the winter and in northern climates a larger proportion of the fatty or carboniferous elements are required than in summer and in southern latitudes. The Esquimaux, in his snow-built hut, swallows immense quantities of train-oil, without getting the dyspepsia; still, we do not recommend train-oil as an article of diet; neither can we indorse the eating of pork in any form; but these things are far less hurtful in winter than in summer, and to those who labor in the open air than to the sedentary. Live well. A generous diet promotes vitality and capability for action. "Good cheer is friendly to health." But do not confound a generous diet with what is usually called "rich" food. Let all your dishes be nutritious, but plain, simple, and wholesome. Avoid highly seasoned viands and very greasy food at all times, but particularly in warm weather, also too much nutriment in the highly condensed forms of sugar, syrup, honey, and the like. If you eat flesh, partake sparingly of it especially in summer. We Americans are the greatest flesh-eaters in the world, and it is not unreasonable to believe that there may be some connection between this fact and the equally notorious one that we are the most unhealthy people in the world. An untold amount of disease results from the too free use of flesh during the hot months. Heat promotes putrefaction; and as this change in meat is very rapid in warm weather, we can not www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 25: be too careful not to eat that which is in the slightest degree tainted. Even when it goes into the stomach in a normal condition, there is danger; for if too much is eaten, or the digestive organs are not sufficiently strong and active, the process of putrefaction may commence in the stomach and diffuse a subtle poison through the whole system. _Hot_ biscuits; _hot_ griddle cakes, saturated with butter and Stuart's syrup; and _hot_ coffee, scarcely modified at all by the small quantity of milk usually added, are among the most deleterious articles ever put upon a table. While these continue to be the staples of our breakfasts, healthy stomachs and clear complexions will be rare among us. Never eat or drink _any thing_ HOT. Good bread is an unexceptionable article of diet. The best is made of unbolted wheat flour. A mixture of wheat and rye flour, or of corn meal with either, makes excellent bread. The meal and flour should be freshly ground; they deteriorate by being kept long. If raised or fermented bread is required, hop yeast is the best ferment that can be used. [For complete directions for bread-making, see Dr. Trall's "Hydropathic Cook-Book."] The exclusive use of fine or bolted flour for bread, biscuits, and cakes of all kinds, is exceedingly injurious to health. The _lignin_ or woody fiber which forms the bran of grains is just as essential to a perfect and healthful nutrition as are starch, sugar, gum, and fibrin, and the rejection of this element is one of the most mischievous errors of modern cookery. Johnny-cake, or corn bread, is an excellent article, which is not yet fully appreciated. It is palatable and wholesome. Hominy, samp, cracked wheat, oatmeal mush, and boiled rice should have a high place on your list of edibles. Beans and peas should be more generally eaten than they are. They are exceedingly nutritious, and very palatable. In www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 26: New England, "pork and beans" hold the place of honor, but elsewhere in this country they are almost unknown. Leaving out the pork (which, personally, we hold in more than Jewish abhorrence), nothing can be better, provided they are eaten in moderation and with a proper proportion of less nutritious food. They should be well baked in pure, soft water. A sufficient quantity of salt to season them, with the addition of a little sweet milk, cream, or butter while baking, leaves nothing to be desired. If meat is wanted, however, a slice of beefsteak, laid upon the surface, will serve a better purpose than pork. Potatoes, beets, turnips, carrots, parsneps, and cabbages are good in their place. But Nature indicates very plainly that fruits and berries, in their season, should have a prominent place in our dietary. They are produced in abundance, and every healthy stomach instinctively craves them. Strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, whortleberries, cherries, plums, grapes, figs, apples, pears, peaches, and melons are "food fit for gods." We pity those whose perverted taste or digestion leads to their rejection. But some are _afraid_ to eat fruits and berries, particularly in midsummer, just the time when nature and common sense say they should be eaten most freely. They have the fear of cholera, dysentery, and similar diseases before their eyes, and have adopted the popular but absurd idea that fruit eating predisposes to disorders of the stomach and bowels. Exactly the reverse is the fact. There are no better preventives of such diseases than _ripe_ fruits and berries, eaten in proper quantities and at proper times Unripe fruits should be scrupulously avoided, and that which is in any measure decayed as scarcely less objectionable. Fruit and berries should make a part of every meal in summer. In winter they are less necessary, but may be eaten with advantage, if within our reach; and they are easily preserved in various ways. We might write a volume on the subject of food, but these general hints must suffice. If you would pursue the inquiry, read O. S. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 27: Fowler's "Physiology, Animal and Mental," and the "Hydropathic Cook-Book," already referred to. 2. _When to Eat._ Eat when the stomach, through the instinct of appetite, demands a new supply of food. If all your habits are regular, this will be at about the same hours each day; and regularity in the time of taking our meals is very important. Want of attention to this point is a frequent cause of derangement of the digestive organs. We can not stop to discuss the question how many meals per day we should eat; but whether you eat one, two, or three, never, under ordinary circumstances, take lunches. The habit of eating between meals is a most pernicious one. Not even your children must be indulged in it, as you value their health, comfort, and good behavior. 3. _How Much to Eat._ We can not tell you, by weight or measure, how much to eat, the right quantity depending much upon age, sex, occupation, season, and climate, but the quantity is quite as important as the quality. Appetite would be a sure guide in both respects were it not so often perverted and diseased. As a general rule, we eat too much. It is better to err in the other direction. An uncomfortable feeling of fullness, or of dullness and stupor after a meal is a sure sign of over-eating, so whatever and whenever you eat, _eat slowly, masticate your food well_, and DO NOT EAT TOO MUCH. 4. _Drink._ If we eat proper food, and in proper quantity, we are seldom thirsty. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 28: Inordinate thirst indicates a feverish state of either the stomach or the general system. It is pretty sure to follow a too hearty meal. Water is the proper drink for everybody and for every thing that lives or grows. It should be pure and soft. Many diseases arise wholly from the use of unwholesome water. If you drink tea (which we do not recommend), let it be the best of black tea, and _not_ strong. Coffee, if drunk at all, should be diluted with twice its quantity of boiled milk, and well sweetened with white sugar. IV.--BREATHING. Breathing is as necessary as eating. If we cease to breathe, our bodies cease to live. If we only _half_ breathe, as is often the case, we only half live. The human system requires a constant supply of oxygen to keep up the vital processes which closely resemble combustion, of which oxygen is the prime supporter. If the supply is insufficient, the fire of life wanes. The healthy condition of the lungs also requires that they be completely expanded by the air inhaled. The imperfect breathing of many persons fails to accomplish the required inflation, and the lungs become diseased for want of their natural action. Full, deep breathing and pure air are as essential to health, happiness, and the right performance of our duties, whether individual, political, or social, as pure food and temperate habits of eating and drinking are. Attend, then, to the lungs as well as the stomach. Breathe good air. Have all your rooms, and especially your sleeping apartment well ventilated. The air which has been vitiated by breathing or by the action of fire, which abstracts the oxygen and supplies its place with carbonic acid gas, is a _subtle poison_. V.--EXERCISE. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 29: The amount of physical exercise required varies with age, sex, and temperament; but no person can enjoy vigorous health without a considerable degree of active bodily exertion. Four or five hours per day spent in the open air, in some labor or amusement which calls for the exercise of the muscles of the body, is probably no more than a proper average. We can live with less--that is, for a short time; but Nature's laws are inexorable, and we can not escape the penalty affixed to their violation. Those whose occupations are sedentary should seek amusements which require the exertion of the physical powers, and should spend as much as possible of their leisure time in the open air. We must, however, use good judgment in this matter as well as in eating. Too much exercise at once, or that which is fitful and violent, is often exceedingly injurious to those whose occupations have accustomed them to little physical exertion of any kind. The women of our country are suffering incalculably for want of proper exercise. No other single cause perhaps is doing so much to destroy health and beauty, and deteriorate the race, as this. "Your women are very handsome," Frederika Bremer said, one day, "but they are too white; they look as if they grew in the shade." A sad truth. Ladies, if you would be healthy, beautiful, and attractive--if you would fit yourselves to be good wives, and the mothers of strong and noble men, you _must_ take an adequate amount of exercise in the open air. _This should be an every-day duty._ VI.--THE COMPLEXION. Every person, and especially every lady, desires a clear complexion. To secure this, follow the foregoing directions in reference to cleanliness, eating, drinking, breathing, and exercise. The same recipe serves for ruby lips and rosy cheeks. These come and go with health, and health depends upon obedience to the laws of our www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 30: constitution. VII.--GENERAL HINTS. Few of us are free from disagreeable habits of which we are hardly conscious, so seemingly natural have they become to us. It is the office of friendship, though not always a pleasant one, to point them out. It is our business to assume that office here, finding our excuse in the necessity of the case. Our bad habits not only injure ourselves, but they give offense to others, and indirectly injure them also. 1. _Tobacco._ Ladies, in this country, do not use tobacco, so they may skip this section. A large and increasing number of gentlemen may do the same; but if you use tobacco, in any forth, allow us to whisper a useful hint or two in your ear. Smoking, snuff-taking, and especially chewing, are bad habits at best, and in their coarser forms highly disgusting to pure and refined people, and especially to ladies. You have the same right to smoke, take snuff, and chew that you have to indulge in the luxuries of a filthy skin and soiled garments, but you have no right, in either case, to do violence to the senses and sensibilities of other people by their exhibition in society. Smoke if you will, chew, take snuff (against our earnest advice, however), make yourself generally and particularly disagreeable, but you must suffer the consequences--the social outlawry which must result. Shall we convert our parlors into tobacco shops, risk the ruin of our carpets and furniture from the random shots of your disgusting saliva, and fill the whole atmosphere of our house with a pungent stench, to the discomfort and disgust of www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 31: everybody else, merely for the pleasure of your company? We have rights as well as you, one of which is to exclude from our circle all persons whose manners or habits are distasteful to us. You talk of rights. You can not blame others for exercising theirs. There are degrees here as everywhere else. One may chew a _little_, smoke an _occasional_ cigar, and take a pinch of snuff _now_ and _then_, and if he never indulges in these habits in the presence of others, and is very careful to purify his person before going into company, he may confine the bad effects, which he can not escape, _mostly_ to his own person. But he must not smoke in any parlor, or sitting-room, or dining-room, or sleeping chamber, or in the street, and particularly not in the presence of ladies, _anywhere_. 2. _Spitting._ "The use of tobacco has made us a nation of spitters," as some one has truly remarked. Spitting is a private act, and tobacco users are not alone in violating good taste and good manners by hawking and spitting in company. You should never be seen to spit. Use your handkerchief carefully and so as not to be noticed, or, in case of necessity, leave the room. 3. _Gin and Gentility._ The spirit and tenor of our remarks on tobacco will apply to the use of ardent spirits. The fumes of gin, whisky, and rum are, if possible, worse than the scent of tobacco. They must on no account be brought into company. If a man (this is another section which women may skip) will make a beast of himself, and fill his blood with liquid poison, he must, if he desires admission into good company, do it either privately or with companions whose senses and appetites are as www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 32: depraved as his own. 4. _Onions, etc._ All foods or drinks which taint the breath or cause disagreeable eructations should be avoided by persons going into company. Onions emit so very disagreeable an odor that no truly polite person will eat them when liable to inflict their fumes upon others. Particular care should be taken to guard against a bad breath from _any_ cause. 5. _Several Items._ Never pare or scrape your nails, pick your teeth, comb your hair, or perform any of the necessary operations of the toilet in company. All these things should be carefully attended to in the privacy of your own room. To pick the nose, dig the ears, or scratch the head or any part of the person in company is still worse. Watch yourself carefully, and if you have any such habits, break them up at once. These may seem little things, but they have their weight, and go far in determining the character of the impression we make upon those around us. II. DRESS. From little matters let us pass to less, And lightly touch the mysteries of dress; The outward forms the inner man reveal; www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 33: We guess the pulp before we eat the peel.--_O. W. Holmes._ I.--THE LANGUAGE OF DRESS. Dress has its language, which is, or may be, read and understood by all. It is one of the forms in which we naturally give expression to our tastes, our constructive faculties, our reason, our feelings, our habits--in a word, to our character, as a whole. This expression is often greatly modified by the arbitrary laws of Fashion, and by circumstances of time, place, and condition, which we can not wholly control; but can hardly be entirely falsified. Even that arch tyrant, the reigning _Mode_, whatever it may be, leaves us little room for choice in materials, forms, and colors, and the choice we make indicates our prominent traits of character. II.--THE USES OF DRESS. "Dress," that admirable Art Journal the _Crayon_ says, "has two functions--to clothe and to ornament; and while we can not lose sight of either point, we must not attribute to the one a power which belongs to the other. The essential requirement of dress is to cover and make comfortable the body, and of two forms of dress which fulfill this function equally well, that is the better which is most accordant with the laws of beauty. But fitness must in nowise be interfered with; and the garb which infringes on this law gives us pain rather than pleasure. We believe that it will be found that fitness and beauty, so far from requiring any sacrifice for combination, are found each in the highest degree where both are most fully obtained--that the fittest, most comfortable dress is that which is most graceful or becoming. Fitness is the primary demand; and _the dress that appears uncomfortable is untasteful_. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 34: "But in the secondary function of dress, ornamentation, there are several diverse objects to be attained--dignity, grace, vivacity, brilliancy, are qualities distinguishing different individuals, and indicating the impression they wish to make on society, and are expressed by different combinations of the elements of beauty, line, or form, and color. When the appareling of the outer being is in most complete harmony with the mental constitution, the taste is fullest." III.--THE ART OF DRESS. True art adapts dress to its uses, as indicated in the foregoing extract. It is based on universal principles fundamental to all art. The art-writer already quoted says, very truly, that "Dress is always to be considered as secondary to the person." This is a fundamental maxim in the art of costume, but is often lost sight of, and dress made _obtrusive_ at the expense of the individuality of the wearer. A man's vest or cravat must not seem a too important part of him. Dress may heighten beauty, but it can not create it. If you are not better and more beautiful than your clothes you are, indeed, a man or a woman of straw. The next principle to be regarded is the _fitness_ of your costume, in its forms materials, and colors, to your person and circumstances, and to the conditions of the time, place and occasion on which it is to be worn. Fashion often compels us to violate this principle, and dress in the most absurd, incongruous, unbecoming, and uncomfortable style. A little more self-respect and independence, however, would enable us to resist many of her most preposterous enactments. But Fashion is not responsible for all the incongruities in dress with which we meet. They are often the result of bad taste and affectation. The first demand of this law of fitness is, that your costume shall www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 35: accord with your person. The young and the old, we all instinctively know, should not dress alike. Neither should the tall and the short, the dark and the light, the pale and the rosy, the grave and the gay, the tranquil and the vivacious. Each variety of form, color, and character has its appropriate style; but our space here is too limited to allow us to do more than drop a hint toward what each requires, to produce the most harmonious and effective combination. In another work,[A] now in the course of preparation, this important subject will be treated in detail. "In form, simplicity and long, unbroken lines give dignity, while complicated and short lines express vivacity. Curves, particularly if long and sweeping, give grace while straight lines and angles indicate power and strength. In color, unity of tint gives repose--if somber, gravity but if light and clear, then a joyous serenity--variety of tint giving vivacity, and if contrasted, brilliancy." Longitudinal stripes in a lady's dress make her appear taller than she really is, and are therefore appropriate for persons of short stature. Tall women, for this reason, should never wear them. Flounces are becoming to tall persons, but not to short ones. The colors worn should be determined by the complexion, and should harmonize with it. "Ladies with delicate rosy complexions bear white and blue better than dark colors, while sallow hues of complexion will not bear these colors near them, and require dark, quiet, or grave colors to improve their appearance. Yellow is the most trying and dangerous of all, and can only be worn by the rich-toned, healthy-looking brunette." In the second place, there should be harmony between your dress and your circumstances. It should accord with your means, your house, your furniture, the place in which you reside, and the society in which you move. Thirdly, your costume should be suited to the time, place, and www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 36: occasion on which it is to be worn. That summer clothes should not be worn in winter, or winter clothes in summer, every one sees clearly enough. The law of fitness as imperatively demands that you should have one dress for the kitchen, the field, or the workshop, and another, and quite a different one, for the parlor; one for the street and another for the carriage, one for a ride on horseback and another for a ramble in the country. Long, flowing, and even trailing skirts are beautiful and appropriate in the parlor, but in the muddy streets, draggling in the filth, and embarrassing every movement of the wearer, or in the country among the bushes and briers, they lose all their beauty and grace, because no longer fitting. The prettiest costume we have ever seen for a shopping excursion or a walk in the city, and especially for a ramble in the country, is a short dress or frock reaching to the knee, and trowsers of the common pantaloon form, but somewhat wider. Full Turkish trowsers might be worn with this dress, but are less convenient. The waist or body of the dress is made with a yoke and belt, and pretty full. The sleeves should be gathered into a band and buttoned at the wrist. A _saque_ or a _basque_ of a different color from the waist has a fine effect as a part of this costume. Add to it a gipsy hat and good substantial shoes or boots, and you may walk with ease, grace, and pleasure. This was the working and walking costume of the women of the North American Phalanx, and is still worn on the domain which once belonged to that Association, though the institution which gave it its origin has ceased to exist. If you reside in a place where you can adopt this as your industrial and walking costume, without too much notoriety and odium, try it. You must judge of this for yourself. We are telling you what is fitting, comfortable, and healthful, and therefore, in its place, beautiful, and not what it is expedient for you to wear. The time is coming when such a costume may be worn anywhere. Rational independence, good taste, and the study of art are preparing the way for the complete overthrow of arbitrary fashion. Help us to hasten the time when both women and men shall be permitted to dress as the eternal principles, harmony, and beauty dictate, and be no longer the slaves of the tailor www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 37: and the dressmaker. But without adopting any innovations liable to shock staid conservatism or puritanic prudery, you may still, in a good measure, avoid the incongruities which we are now compelled to witness, and make your costume accord with place and occupation. In the field, garden, and workshop, gentlemen can wear nothing more comfortable and graceful than the blouse. It may be worn loose or confined by a belt. If your occupation is a very dusty one, wear overalls. In the counting-room and office, gentlemen wear frock-coats or sack coats. They need not be of very fine material, and should not be of any garish pattern. In your study or library, and about the house generally, on ordinary occasions, a handsome dressing-gown is comfortable and elegant. A lady, while performing the morning duties of her household may wear a plain loose dress, made high in the neck, and with long sleeves fastened at the wrist. It must not look slatternly, and may be exceedingly beautiful and becoming. In reference to ornament, "the law of dress," to quote our artist-friend again, "is, that where you want the eye of a spectator to rest (for we all dress for show), you should concentrate your decoration, leaving the parts of the apparel to which you do not want attention called, as plain and negative as possible--not ugly, as some people, in an affectation of plainness, do (for you have no right to offend the eye of your fellow-man with any thing which is ugly), but simply negative." IV.--MATERIALS, ETC. The materials of which your clothes are made should be the best that www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 38: your means will allow. One generally exercises a very bad economy and worse taste in wearing low-priced and coarse materials. For your working costume, the materials should of course correspond with the usage to which they are to be subjected. They should be strong and durable, but need not therefore be either very coarse or at all ugly. As a general rule, it costs no more to dress well than ill. A gentleman's shirts should always be fine, clean, and well-fitted. It is better to wear a coarse or threadbare coat than a disreputable shirt. The better taste and finer instincts of the ladies will require no hint in reference to their "most intimate appareling." True taste, delicacy, and refinement regards the under clothing as scrupulously as that which is exposed to view. The coverings of the head and the feet are important and should by no means be inferior to the rest of your apparel. Shoes are better than boots, except in cases where the latter are required for the protection of the feet and ankles against water, snow, or injury from briers, brambles, and the like. Ladies' shoes for walking should be substantial enough to keep the feet dry and warm. If neatly made, and well-fitting, they need not be clumsy. Thin shoes, worn on the damp ground or pavement, have carried many a beautiful woman to her grave. If you wish to have corns and unshapely feet, wear tight shoes; they never fail to produce those results. The fashionable fur hat, in its innumerable but always ugly forms, is, in the eye of taste, an absurd and unsightly covering for the head; and it is hardly less uncomfortable and unhealthful than ugly. The fine, soft, and more picturesque felt hats now, we are glad to say, coming more and more into vogue, are far more comfortable and healthful. A light, fine straw hat is the best for summer. The bonnets of the ladies, in their fashionable forms, are only a little less ugly and unbecoming than the fur hats of the gentlemen. A www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 39: broad-brimmed or gipsy hat is far more becoming to most women than the common bonnet. We hope to live to see both "stove-pipe hats" and "sugar-scoop bonnets" abolished; but, in the mean time let those wear them who _must_. V.--MRS. MANNERS ON DRESS. Mrs. Manners, the highest authority we can possibly quote in such matters, has the following hints to girls, which we can not deny ourselves the pleasure of copying, though they may seem, in part, a repetition of remarks already made: "Good taste is indispensable in dress, but that, united to neatness, is _all_ that is _necessary_--that is the fabled cestus of Venus which gave beauty to its wearer. Good taste involves _suitable fabrics--a neat and becoming 'fitting' to her figure--colors suited to her complexion, and a simple and unaffected manner of wearing one's clothes_. A worsted dress in a warm day, or a white one in a cold day, or a light, thin one in a windy day, are all in _bad_ taste. Very fine or very delicate dresses worn in the street, or very highly ornamented clothes worn to church or to shop in, are in _bad_ taste. Very long dresses worn in muddy or dusty weather, even if long dresses are the _fashion_, are still in _bad_ taste. "Deep and bright-colored gloves are always in bad taste; very few persons are careful enough in selecting gloves. Light shoes and dark dresses, white stockings and dark dresses, dark stockings and light dresses, are not indicative of good taste. A girl with neatly and properly dressed feet, with neat, well-fitting gloves, smoothly arranged hair, and a clean, well-made dress, who walks well, and speaks well, and, above all, acts politely and kindly, _is a lady_, and no _wealth_ is required here. Fine clothes and fine airs are abashed before such propriety and good taste. Thus the poorest may be www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 40: so attired as to appear as lady-like as the wealthiest; nothing is more _vulgar_ than the idea that money makes a lady, or that fine clothes can do it." VI.--WEARING THE HAIR AND BEARD. The hair and beard, in one of their aspects, belong to the dress. In reference to the style of wearing them, consult the general principles of taste. A man to whom nature has given a handsome beard, deforms himself sadly by shaving--at least, that is our opinion; and on this point fashion and good taste agree. The full beard is now more common than the shaven face in all our large cities. In the dressing of the hair there is room for the display of a great deal of taste and judgment. The style should vary with the different forms of face. Lardner's "Young Ladies' Manual" has the following hints to the gentler sex. Gentlemen can modify them to suit their case: "After a few experiments, a lady may very easily decide what mode of dressing her hair, and what head-dress renders her face most attractive. "Ringlets hanging about the forehead suit almost every one. On the other hand, the fashion of putting the hair smoothly, and drawing it back on either side, is becoming to few; it has a look of vanity instead of simplicity: the face must do every thing for it, which is asking too much, especially as hair, in its pure state, is the ornament intended for it by nature. Hair is to the human aspect what foliage is to the landscape. "Light hair is generally most becoming when curled. For a round face, the curls should be made in short, half ringlets, reaching a little www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 41: below the ears. For an oval face, long and thick ringlets are suitable; but if the face be thin and sharp, the ringlets should be light, and not too long, nor too many in number. "When dark hair is curled, the ringlets should never fall in heavy masses upon the shoulders. Open braids are very beautiful when made of dark hair; they are also becoming to light-haired persons. A simple and graceful mode of arranging the hair is to fold the front locks behind the ears, permitting the ends to fall in a couple of ringlets on either side behind. "Another beautiful mode of dressing the hair, and one very appropriate in damp weather, when it will keep in curl, is to loop up the ringlets with small hair-pins on either side of the face and behind the ears, and pass a light band of braided hair over them. "Persons with very long, narrow heads may wear the hair knotted very low at the back of the neck. If the head be long, but not very narrow, the back hair may be drawn to one side, braided in a thick braid, and wound around the head. When the head is round, the hair should be formed in a braid in the middle of the back of the head. If the braid be made to resemble a basket, and a few curls permitted to fall from within it, the shape of the head is much improved." VII.--ART _VS._ FASHION. Observe that we have been laying down some of the maxims deduced from the principles of art and taste, in their application to dress, and not promulgating the edicts of Fashion. If there is a lack of harmony on some points, between the two, it is not our fault. We have endeavored to give you some useful hints in reference to the beautiful and the fitting in costume, based on a higher law than the enactments of the fashion-makers. You must judge for yourself how far you can www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 42: make the latter bend to the former. We have been talking of dress as an individual matter. In future chapters we shall have occasion to refer to it in its relation to the usages of society. VIII.--SIGNS OF "THE GOOD TIME COMING." N. P. Willis, in the _Home Journal_, writing on the dress-reform agitation, thus closes his disquisition: "We repeat, that we see signs which look to us as if the present excitement as to _one_ fashion were turning into a universal inquiry as to the sense or propriety of _any fashion at all_. When the subject shall have been fully discussed, and public attention fully awakened, common sense will probably take the direction of the matter, and opinion will settle in some shape which, at least, may reject former excesses and absurdities. Some moderate similarity of dress is doubtless necessary, and there are proper times and places for long dresses and short dresses. These and other points the ladies are likely to come to new decisions about. While they consult health, cleanliness, and convenience, however, we venture to express a hope that they will _get rid of the present slavish uniformity_--that what is becoming to each may be worn without fear of unfashionableness, and that in this way we may see every woman dressed somewhat differently and to her own best advantage, and the _proportion of beauty largely increased_, as it would, thereby, most assuredly be." FOOTNOTE: [A] "Hints toward Physical Perfection; or, How to Acquire and Retain Beauty, Grace, and Strength, and Secure Long Life and Perpetual Youth." www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 43: III. SELF-CULTURE There is no man who can so easily and so naturally become in all points a Gentleman Knight, without fear and without reproach, as a true American Republican.--_James Parton._ I.-MORAL AND SOCIAL TRAINING. Having given due attention to your personal habits and dress, consider what special errors still remain to be corrected, or what deficiencies to be supplied, and carefully and perseveringly apply yourself to the required self-training. If you are sensible of an inadequate development of any of those faculties or feelings on which good manners are based, set yourself at once about the work of cultivation, remembering that the legitimate exercise of any organ or function necessarily tends to its development. Look first to conscientiousness. It is hardly possible for you to acquire genuine good manners without an acute sense of equity. Accustom yourself to a sacred regard for the rights of others, even in the minutest matters, and in the most familiar intercourse of the family or social circle. In a similar manner cultivate Benevolence, Veneration, Adhesiveness, Agreeableness, Ideality, and the moral, social, and esthetic faculties in general. Go out of your way, if necessary, to perform acts of kindness and friendship; never omit the "thank you" which is due for the slightest possible favor, whether rendered by the highest or the lowest; be always bland and genial; respect times, places, observances, and especially persons; www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 44: and put yourself in the way of all possible elevating and refining influences. Manners have their origin in the mind and the heart. Manners do not make the man, as is sometimes asserted; but the man makes the manners. It is true, however, that the manners react upon mind and heart, continually developing and improving the qualities out of which they spring. You are placed in a particular community, or you are invited or wish to gain admittance into a certain circle. Different communities and circles require, to some extent, different qualifications. Ascertain what you lack and acquire it as speedily as possible; but remember that good sense and good nature are out of place in no company. II.--LANGUAGE. Conversation plays an important part in the intercourse of society. It is a great and valuable accomplishment to be able to talk well. Cultivate language and the voice. Learn to express yourself with correctness, ease, and elegance. This subject is worthy of all the time and study you can give to it. "How to Talk: a Pocket Manual of Conversation and Debate," which forms one of this series of "Hand-Books for Home Improvement," will give you all necessary aid in this department. III.--POSITION AND MOVEMENT. Study also the graces of manner, motion, and position. Grace is natural, no doubt, but most of us have nearly lost sight of nature. It is often with the greatest difficulty that we find our way back to her paths. It seems a simple and easy thing to walk, and a still easier and simpler thing to stand or sit, but not one in twenty perform either of these acts with ease and grace. There are a hundred little www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 45: things connected with attitude, movement, the carriage of the arms, the position of the feet and the like, which, though seemingly unimportant are really essential to elegance and ease. Never despise these little things, or be ashamed to acquire the smallest grace by study and practice. You desire to be a person of "good standing" in society. How _do_ you stand? We refer now to the artistic or esthetic point of view. If you are awkward, you are more likely to manifest your awkwardness in standing than in walking. Do you know where to put your feet and what to do with your hands? In the absence of any better rule or example, try to forget your limbs, and let them take care of themselves. But observe the attitudes which sculptors give to their statues; and study also those of children, which are almost always graceful, because natural. Avoid, on the one hand, the stiffness of the soldier, and, on the other, the ape-like suppleness of the dancing-master; and let there be no straining, no fidgeting, no uneasy shifting of position. You should stand on _both_ feet, bearing a little more heavily on one than the other. The same general principles apply to the sitting posture. This may be either graceful, dignified, and elegant, or awkward, abject, and uncouth. The latter class of qualities may be got rid of and the former acquired, and depend upon it, it is a matter of some consequence which of them characterizes your position and movements. Walking is not so difficult an accomplishment as standing and sitting, but should receive due attention. It has a very close connection with character, and either of them may be improved or deteriorated through the other. A close observer and a sensible and trustworthy monitor of their own sex thus enumerates some of the common faults of women in their "carriage," or manner of walking: "Slovenliness in walking characterizes some. They go shuffling along, precisely as if their shoes were down at the heel--"slipshod"--and they could not lift up their feet in consequence. If it is dusty or sandy, they kick up the dust before them and fill their skirts with www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 46: it. This is exceedingly ungraceful. If I were a gentleman, I really do not think I could marry a lady who walked like this; she would appear so very undignified, and I could not be proud of her. "Some have another awkwardness. They lift up their feet so high that their knees are sent out before them showing the movement through the dress. They always seem to be leaving their skirts behind them, instead of carrying them gracefully about them. Some saunter along so loosely they seem to be hung on wires; others are as stiff as if they supposed only straight lines were agreeable to the eye; and others, again, run the chin forward considerably in advance of the breast, looking very silly and deficient in self-respect. "Sometimes a lady walks so as to turn up her dress behind every time she puts her foot back, and I have seen a well-dressed woman made to look very awkward by elevating her shoulders slightly and pushing her elbows too far behind her. Some hold their hands up to the waist, and press their arms against themselves as tightly as if they were glued there; others swing them backward and forward, as a business man walks along the street. _Too short_ steps detract from dignity very much, forming a mincing pace; too long steps are masculine. "Some walk upon the ball of the foot very flatly and clumsily; others come down upon the heel as though a young elephant was moving; and others, again, ruin their shoes and their appearance by walking upon the side of the foot. Many practice a stoop called the Grecian bend, and when they are thirty, will pass well, unless the face be seen, for fifty years' old." Gymnastics, dancing, and the military drill are excellent auxiliaries in the work of physical training, though all of them may be, and constantly are, abused. We can not illustrate their application here. They will receive the attention they deserve in "Hints toward Physical Perfection," already referred to as in preparation. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 47: IV.--SELF-COMMAND. Without perfect self-control you are constantly liable to do something amiss, and your other social qualifications will avail little. You must not only be fully conscious who you are, what you are, where you are, and what you are about, but you must also have an easy and complete control of all your words and actions, and feel _at home_ wherever you are. You are liable to lose this self-command either through bashfulness or excitement. The former is one of the greatest obstacles with which a majority of young people have to contend. It can be overcome by _resolute effort_ and the cultivation of self-respect and self-reliance. Do not allow it to keep you out of society. You will not conquer it by such a course. You might as reasonably expect to learn to swim without going into the water. V.--OBSERVATION. One of the best means of improvement in manners is observation. In company, where you are in doubt in reference to any rule or form, be quiet and observe what others do, and govern your conduct by theirs; but except in mere external forms, beware of a servile imitation. Seek to understand the principles which underlie the observances you witness, and to become imbued with the spirit of the society (if good) in which you move, rather than to copy particulars in the manners of any one. VI.--PRACTICAL LESSONS. But the most important instrumentality for the promotion of the externals of good manners is constant practice in the actual every-day www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 48: intercourse of society; and without this our instructions and your study will both be thrown away. Begin now, to-day, with the next person you meet or address. IV. FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLES. Courtesy is the beautiful part of morality, justice carried to the utmost, rectitude refined, magnanimity in trifles.--_Life Illustrated._ I.--MANNERS AND MORALS. Good manners and good morals are founded on the same eternal principles of right, and are only different expressions of the same great truths. Both grow out of the necessities of our existence and relations. We have individual rights based on the fact of our individual being; and we have social duties resulting from our connection, in the bonds of society, with other individuals who have similar rights. Morals and manners alike, while they justify us in asserting and maintaining our own rights, require us scrupulously to respect, in word and act, the rights of others. It is true that the former, in the common comprehension of the term, is satisfied with simple justice in all our relations, while the latter often requires something more than the strictest conscientiousness can demand--a yielding of more than half the road--an exercise of the sentiment of benevolence, as well as of equity; but the highest morality really makes the same requisition, for it includes politeness, and recognizes deeds of kindness as a duty. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 49: II.--RIGHTS. In this country we need no incitements to the assertion and maintenance of our rights, whether individual or national. We are ready at all times to do battle for them either with the tongue, the pen, or the sword, as the case may require. Even women have discovered that _they_ have rights, and he must be a bold man indeed who dares call them in question. Yes, we all, men, women, and children, have rights, and are forward enough in claiming then. Are we equally ready to respect the rights of others? III.--DUTIES. Out of rights grow duties; the first of which is to live an honest, truthful, self-loyal life, acting and speaking always and everywhere in accordance with the laws of our being, as revealed in our own physical and mental organization. It is by the light of this fact that we must look upon all social requirements, whether in dress, manners, or morals. All that is fundamental and genuine in these will be found to harmonize with universal principles, and consequently with our primary duty in reference to ourselves. 1. _The Senses._ Whenever and wherever we come in contact with our fellow-men, there arises a question of rights, and consequently of duties. We have alluded incidentally to some of them, in speaking of habits and dress. The senses of each individual have their rights, and it is your duty to respect them. The eye has a claim upon you for so much of beauty in form, color, arrangement, position, and movement as you are able to www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 50: present to it. A French author has written a book, the aim of which is to show that it is the duty of a pretty woman to look pretty. It is the duty of _all_ women, and all men too, to look and behave just as well as they can, and whoever fails in this, fails in good manners and in duty. The ear demands agreeable tones and harmonious combinations of tones--pleasant words and sweet songs. If you indulge in loud talking, in boisterous and untimely laughter, or in profane or vulgar language, or sing out of tune, you violate its rights and offend good manners. The sense of smell requires pleasant odors for its enjoyment. Fragrance is its proper element. To bring the fetid odor of unwashed feet or filthy garments, or the stench of bad tobacco or worse whisky, or the offensive scent of onions or garlics within its sphere, is an act of impoliteness. The sense of taste asks for agreeable flavors, and has a right to the best we can give in the way of palatable foods and drinks. The sense of feeling, though less cultivated and not so sensitive as the others, has its rights too, and is offended by too great coarseness, roughness, and hardness. It has a claim on us for a higher culture. 2. _The Faculties._ And if the senses have their rights, we must admit that the higher faculties and feelings of our nature are at least equally dowered in this respect. You can not trespass upon one of them without a violation of good manners. We can not go into a complete exposition of the "bill of rights" of each. You can analyze them for yourself, and learn the nature of their claims upon you. In the mean time, we will touch upon a point or two here and there. 3. _Opinions._ Each person has a right to his or her opinions, and to the expression www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 51: of them _on proper occasions_, and there is no duty more binding upon us all than the most complete and respectful toleration. The author of "The Illustrated Manners Book" truly says: "_Every denial of, or interference with, the personal freedom or absolute rights of another, is a violation of good manners._ He who presumes to censure me for my religious belief, or want of belief; who makes it a matter of criticism or reproach that I am a Theist or Atheist, Trinitarian or Unitarian, Catholic or Protestant, Pagan or Christian, Jew, Mohammedan, or Mormon, is guilty of rudeness and insult. If any of these modes of belief make me intolerant or intrusive, he may resent such intolerance or repel such intrusion; but the basis of all true politeness and social enjoyment is the mutual tolerance of personal rights." 4. _The Sacredness of Privacy._ Here is another passage from the author just quoted which is so much to the point that we can not forbear to copy it: "One of the rights most commonly trespassed upon constituting a violent breach of good manners, is the right of privacy, or of the control of one's own person and affairs. There are places in this country where there exists scarcely the slightest recognition of this right. A man or woman bolts into your house without knocking. No room is sacred unless you lock the door, and an exclusion would be an insult. Parents intrude upon children, and children upon parents. The husband thinks he has a right to enter his wife's room, and the wife would feel injured if excluded, by night or day, from her husband's. It is said that they even open each other's letters, and claim, as a right, that neither should have any secrets from the other. "It in difficult to conceive of such a state of intense barbarism in a www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 52: civilized country, such a denial of the simplest and most primitive rights, such an utter absence of delicacy and good manners; and had we not been assured on good authority that such things existed, we should consider any suggestions respecting them needless and impertinent. "Each person in a dwelling should, if possible, have a room as sacred from intrusion as the house is to the family. No child, grown to years of discretion, should be outraged by intrusion. No relation, however intimate, can justify it. So the trunks, boxes, packets, papers, and letters of every individual, locked or unlocked, sealed or unsealed, are sacred. It is ill manners even to open a book-case, or to read a written paper lying open, without permission expressed or implied. Books in an open case or on a center-table, cards in a card-case, and newspapers, are presumed to be open for examination. Be careful where you go, what you read, and what you handle, particularly in private apartments." This right to privacy extends to one's business, his personal relations, his thoughts, and his feelings. _Don't intrude_; and always "mind your own business," which means, by implication, that you must let other people's business alone. 5. _Conformity._ You must conform, to such an extent as not to annoy and give offense, to the customs, whether in dress or other matters, of the circle in which you move. This conformity is an implied condition in the social compact. It is a practical recognition of the right of others, and shows merely a proper regard for their opinions and feelings. If you can not sing in tune with the rest, or on the same key, remain silent. You may be right and the others wrong but that does not alter the case. Convince them, if you can, and bring them to your pitch, but www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 53: never mar even a low accord. So if you can not adapt your dress and manners to the company in which you find yourself, the sooner you take your leave the better. You may and should endeavor, in a proper way, to change such customs and fashions as you may deem wrong, or injurious in their tendency, but, in the mean time, you have no right to violate them. You may choose your company, but, having chosen it, you must conform to its rules til you can change them. You are not compelled to reside in Rome; but if you choose to live there, you must "do as the Romans do." The rules which should govern your conduct, as an isolated individual, were such a thing as isolation possible in the midst of society, are modified by your relations to those around you. This life of ours is a complex affair, and our greatest errors arise from our one-side views of it. We are sovereign individuals, and are born with certain "inalienable rights;" but we are also members of that larger individual society, and our rights can not conflict with the duties which grow out of that relation. If by means of our non-conformity we cause ourselves to be cut off, like an offending hand, or plucked out, like an offending eye, our usefulness is at once destroyed. It is related of a certain king that on a particular occasion he turned his tea into his saucer, contrary to his custom and to the etiquette of society, because two country ladies, whose hospitalities he was enjoying, did so. That king was a _gentleman_; and this anecdote serves to illustrate an important principle; namely, that _true politeness and genuine good manners often not only permit, but absolutely demand, a violation of some of the arbitrary rules of etiquette_. The _highest law_ demands complete HARMONY in all spheres and in all relations. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 54: IV.--EQUALITY. In the qualified sense which no doubt Mr. Jefferson affixed to the term in his own mind, "all men _are_ created free and _equal_." The "noble Oracle" himself had long before as explicitly asserted the natural equality of man. In 1739, thirty-seven years before the Declaration of Independence was penned, Lord Chesterfield wrote: "We are of the same species, and no distinction whatever is between us, except that which arises from fortune. For example, your footman and Lizette would be your equals were they as rich as you. Being poor, they are obliged to serve you. Therefore you must not add to their misfortune by insulting or ill-treating them. A good heart never reminds people of their misfortune, but endeavors to alleviate, or, if possible, to make them forget it." The writer in _Life Illustrated_, quoted in a previous chapter, states the case very clearly as follows: "It is in the sacredness of their rights that men are equal. The smallest injustice done to the smallest man on earth is an offense against all men; an offense which all men have a personal and equal interest in avenging. If John Smith picks my pocket, the cause in court is correctly entitled, 'The PEOPLE _versus_ John Smith.' The whole State of New York has taken up my quarrel with John, and arrays itself against John in awful majesty; because the pockets, the interests, the rights of a man are _infinitely_, and therefore _equally_, sacred. "The conviction of this truth is the beginning and basis of the science of republican etiquette, which acknowledges no _artificial_ distinctions. Its leading principle is, that courtesy is due to all men from all men; from the servant to the served; from the served to the servant; and from both for precisely the same reason, namely, because both are human beings and _fellow_-citizens!" www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 55: V.--A REMARK OR TWO TO BE REMEMBERED. We purpose, in succeeding chapters, to set forth briefly but clearly, what the actual requirements of good society are in reference to behavior. You must look at these in the light of the general principles we have already laid down. It is not for us to say how far you ought or can conform to any particular custom, usage, or rule of etiquette. We believe that even the most arbitrary and capricious of them either have or have had a reason and a meaning. In many cases, however, the reason may no longer exist, and the form be meaningless; or while it embodies what is a living truth to others, you may have outgrown it or advanced beyond it. _You have an undoubted right, politely but firmly, to decline to do what seems to you, looking upon the matter from your highest stand-point, to be clearly wrong, and it is no breach of good manners to do so_; but at the same time you should avoid, as far as possible, putting yourself in positions which call for the exercise of this right. If you can not conscientiously wear a dress coat, or a stove-pipe hat, or cut your hair, or eat flesh-meat, or drink wine, you will naturally avoid, under ordinary circumstances, the circles in which non-conformity in these matters would be deemed a breach of good manners. When it is necessary that you should mingle with people whose customs you can not follow in all points without a violation of principle, you will courteously, and with proper respect for what they probably think entirely right, fall back upon the "higher law;" but if it is a mere matter of gloved or ungloved hands, cup or saucer, fork or knife, you will certainly have the courtesy and good sense to conform to usage. V. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 56: DOMESTIC MANNERS. Home is a little world of itself, and furnishes a sphere for the exercise of every virtue and for the experience of every pleasure or pain. If one profit not by its opportunities, he will be likely to pay dearly for less agreeable lessons in another school.--_Harrison._ I.--A TEST OF GOOD MANNERS. Good manners are not to be put on and off with one's best clothes. Politeness is an article for every-day wear. If you don it only on special and rare occasions, it will be sure to sit awkwardly upon you. If you are not well behaved in your own family circle, you will hardly be truly so anywhere, however strictly you may conform to the observances of good breeding, when in society. The true gentleman or lady is a gentleman or lady at all times and in all places--at home as well as abroad--in the field, or workshop, or in the kitchen, as well as in the parlor. A snob is--a _snob_ always and everywhere. If you see a man behave in a rude and uncivil manner to his father or mother, his brothers or sisters, his wife or children; or fail to exercise the common courtesies of life at his own table and around his own fireside, you may at once set him down as a boor, whatever _pretensions_ he may make to gentility. Dc not fall into the absurd error of supposing that you may do as you please at home--that is, unless you please to behave in a perfectly gentlemanly or ladylike manner. The same rights exist there as elsewhere, and the same duties grow out of them, while the natural respect and affection which should be felt by each member of the family for all the other members, add infinitely to their sacredness. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 57: Let your good manners, then, begin at home. II.--PARENTS AND CHILDREN. American children (we are sorry to be obliged to say it) are not, as a general rule, well behaved. They are rude and disrespectful, if not disobedient. They inspire terror rather than love in the breasts of strangers and all persons who seek quiet and like order. In our drawing-rooms, on board our steamers, in our railway cars and stage coaches, they usually contrive to make themselves generally and particularly disagreeable by their familiarity, forwardness, and pertness. "Young America" can not brook restraint, has no conception of superiority, and reverences nothing. His ideas of equality admit neither limitation nor qualification. He is born with a full comprehension of his own individual rights, but is slow in learning his social duties. Through whose fault comes this state of things? American boys and girls have naturally as much good sense and good-nature as those of any other nation, and, when well trained, no children are more courteous and agreeable. The fault lies in their education. In the days of our grandfathers, children were taught manners at school--a rather rude, backwoods sort of manners, it is true, but better than the no manners at all of the present day. We must blame parents in this matter rather than their children. If you would have your children grow up beloved and respected by their elders as well as their contemporaries, teach them good manners in their childhood. The young sovereign should first learn to obey, that he may be the better fitted to command in his turn. Those who are old enough to study this book, are old enough to take the matter in to their own hands, and remedy the defects and supply the deficiencies of their early education. We beg them to commence at once, and _at home_. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 58: Allow no false ideas of "liberty and equality" to cause you to forget for a moment the deference due to your father and your mother. The fifth commandment has not been and can not be abrogated. We commend to you the example of the Father of his Country. Look into the life of Washington, and mark what tender and respectful attentions characterized his intercourse with his only surviving parent. _He_ never, we venture to say, spoke of his mother as "the old woman," or addressed her with incivility. "Never," an old friend of yours adjures you, "let youthful levity or the example of others betray you into forgetfulness of the claims of your parents or elders to a certain deference." Nature, a counselor still more sage, we doubt not, has written the same injunction upon your heart. _Let your manners do justice to your feelings!_ "Toward your father," that polished and courtly "gentleman of the old school," the author of the "American Gentleman's Guide to Politeness and Fashion," says, "preserve always a deferential manner, mingled with a certain frankness indicating that thorough confidence--that entire understanding of each other, which is the best guarantee of good sense in both, and of inestimable value to every young man blessed with a right-minded parent. Accept the advice dictated by experience with respect, receive even reproof without impatience of manner, and hasten to prove afterward that you cherish no resentful remembrance of what may have seemed to you too great severity or a too manifest assumption of authority.... In the inner temple of _home_, as well as where the world looks on, render him reverence due. "There should be mingled with the habitual deference and attention that marks your manner to your mother the indescribable tenderness and rendering back of care and watchfulness that betokens remembrance of early days. No other woman should ever induce you to forget this truest, most disinterested friend, nor should your manner ever indicate even momentary indifference to her wishes or her affection." www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 59: III.--BROTHERS AND SISTERS. The intercourse of brothers and sisters should be marked by the frankness and familiarity befitting their intimate relation; but this certainly does not preclude the exercise of all the little courtesies of life. Young man, be polite to your sister. She is a woman, and all women have claims on you for courteous attentions; and the affection which exists between you adds tenfold to the sacredness of the claims she has upon you, not only for protection, but for the exercise toward her of all the sweet amenities of life. Except your mother and your wife or affianced mistress (if you have one), no one can possibly have an equal right to your attentions. If you are young and have neither wife nor lady-love, let your mother and your sisters be to you the embodiment of all that is tenderest, most beautiful, and best in the human world. You can have no better school than your daily intercourse with them, to fit you for female society in general. The young man who loves his sisters and always treats them with the politeness, deference, and kindness which is their due, is almost certain to be a favorite with their sex generally; so, _as you value your reputation for good manners and your success with other ladies, fail in no act of courtesy to your sisters_. The gentle and loving sister will need no injunction to treat an affectionate, polite, and attentive brother with the tender and respectful consideration which such a brother deserves. The charming little courtesies which you practice so gracefully in your intercourse with other gentlemen will not, you may be sure, be lost upon him. True politeness is never lost, and never out of place; and nowhere does it appear more attractive than at home. Stiff formality and cold ceremoniousness are repulsive anywhere, and are particularly so in the family circle; but the easy, frank, and www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 60: genial intercourse of the fireside, instead of being marred, is refined and made still more delightful by courtesy. IV.--THE HUSBAND AND WIFE. Reader, are you married? But excuse us, if the question is not a proper one. If you are not, you doubtless hope to be, sooner or later, and therefore we will address you just as if you were. The husband should never cease to be a _lover_, or fail in any of those delicate attentions and tender expressions of affectionate solicitude which marked his intercourse before marriage with his heart's queen. All the respectful deference, every courteous observance, all the self-sacrificing devotion that can be claimed by a mistress is certainly due to a wife, and he is no true husband and no true _gentleman_ who withholds them. It is not enough that you honor, respect, and love your wife. You must put this honor, respect, and love into the forms of speech and action. Let no unkind word, no seeming indifference, no lack of the little attentions due her, remind her sadly of the sweet days of courtship and the honey-moon. Surely the love you thought would have been cheaply purchased at the price of a world is worth all you care to preserve. Is not the wife more, and better, and dearer than the sweetheart? We venture to hint that it is probably your own fault if she is not. The chosen companion of your life, the mother of your children, the sharer of all your joys and sorrows, as she possesses the highest place in your affections, should have the best place everywhere, the choicest morsels, the politest attentions, the softest, kindest words, the tenderest care. Love, duty, and good manners alike require it. And has the wife no duties? Have the courteous observances, the tender watchfulness, the pleasant words, the never-tiring devotion, which won www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 61: your smiles, your spoken thanks, your kisses, your very self, in days gone by, now lost their value? Does not the husband rightly claim as much, at least, as the lover? If you find him less observant of the little courtesies due you, may this not be because you sometimes fail to reward him with the same sweet thanks and sweeter smiles? Ask your own heart. Have the comfort and happiness of your husband always in view, and let him _see_ and _feel_ that you still look up to him with trust and affection--that the love of other days has not grown cold. Dress for his eyes more scrupulously than for all the rest of the world; make yourself and your home beautiful for his sake; play and sing (if you can) to please him; try to beguile him from his cares; retain his affections in the same way you won them, and--be polite even to your husband. V.--ENTERTAINERS AND THEIR GUESTS. Hospitality takes a high rank among the social virtues; but we fear it is not held in so high esteem as formerly. Its duties are often fatiguing and irksome, no doubt, and sometimes quite unnecessarily so. One of the most important maxims of hospitality is, "Let your guests alone!" If it were generally observed it would save both hosts and visitors a world of trouble. Your first object should be to make your guests feel at home. This they never can do while your needless bustle and obtrusive attentions constantly remind them that they are not at home, and perhaps make them wish they were. You will not, of course, understand us to mean that you should devote no attention to your guests. On the contrary, you should assiduously labor to promote their comfort and enjoyment, opening to them every source of entertainment within your reach; but it should be done in that easy, delicate, considerate way which will make it seem a matter www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 62: of course, and no trouble whatever to you. You should not seem to be conferring but receiving a favor. Begging your visitors to "make themselves at home," does not give them the home _feeling_. Genuine, unaffected friendliness, and an unobtrusive and almost unperceived attention to their wants alone will impart this. Allow their presence to interfere as little as possible with your domestic arrangements; thus letting them see that their visit does not disturb you, but that they fall, as it were, naturally into a vacant place in your household. Observe your own feelings when you happen to be the guest of a person who, though he may be very much your friend, and really glad to see you, seems not to know what to do either with you or himself; and again, when in the house of another, you feel as much at ease as in your own. Mark the difference, more easily felt than described, between the manners of the two, and deduce therefrom a lesson for your own improvement. Furnish your rooms and table for your guests in as good style as your means and the circumstances of the case will permit, and make no fuss about it. To be unnecessarily sparing shows meanness, and to be extravagantly profuse is absurd as well an ruinous. Probably your visitors know whether your income is large or small and if they do not they will soon learn, on that point, all that it is necessary for them to know. But if any circumstance out of the ordinary course of things should render an apology necessary, make it at once and say no more about it. Avoid by all means the very common but very foolish habit of depreciating your own rooms, furniture, or viands, and expressing uncalled-for regrets that you have nothing better to offer, merely to give your guests an opportunity politely to contradict you. But you need not go to the other extreme and extol the meats you set before www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 63: them. Say nothing about these matters. When visitors show any intention of leaving, you will of course express the desire you feel to have them stay longer, but good manners do not require you to endeavor to retain them against their wishes or sense of duty. It is to be supposed that they know their own affairs best. Guests sometimes forget (if they ever learned) that _they_ have any duties. We beg leave to jog their memory with the following hints from the graceful pen of "Mrs. Manners:" "To accommodate yourself to the habits and rules of the family, in regard to hours of rising or retiring, and particularly the hours for meals, is the first duty of a guest. Inform yourself as soon as possible when the meals occur--whether there will be a dressing-bell--at what time they meet for prayers, and thus become acquainted with all the family regulations. _It is always the better way for a family to adhere strictly to all their usual habits_; it is a much simpler matter for one to learn to conform to those than for half a dozen to be thrown out of a routine, which may be almost indispensable to the fulfillment of their importunate duties. It certainly must promote the happiness of any reasonable person to know that his presence is no restraint and no inconvenience. "Your own good sense and delicacy will teach you the desirability of keeping your room tidy, and your articles of dress and toilet as much in order as possible. If there is a deficiency of servants, a lady will certainly not hesitate to make her own bed, and to do for herself as much as possible, and for the family all that is in her power. I never saw an elegant lady of my acquaintance appear to better advantage than when once performing a service which, under other circumstances, might have been considered menial; yet, in her own house, she was surrounded by servants, and certainly she never used a www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 64: broom or made a bed a her life." VI.--SERVANTS. We are all dependent, in one way or another, upon others. At one time we serve, at another we are served, and we are equally worthy of honor and respect in the one case as in the other. The man or the woman who serves us may or may not be our inferior in natural capacity, learning, manners, or wealth. Be this as it may, the relation in which we stand to him or her gives us no right beyond the exaction of the service stipulated or implied in that relation. The right to tyrannize over our inferiors in social position, to unnecessarily humiliate them, or to be rude and unkind can not exist, because it would be an infringement of other rights. Servants have rights as well as those whom they serve, and the latter have duties as well as the former. We owe those who labor for us something more than their wages. They have claims on us for a full recognition of their manhood or womanhood, and all the rights which grow out of that state. The true gentleman is never arrogant, or overbearing, or rude to domestics or _employees_. His commands are requests, and all services, no matter how humble the servant, are received with thanks, as if they were favors. We might say the same with still greater emphasis of the true lady. There is no surer sign of vulgarity than a needless assumption of the tone of authority and a haughty and supercilious bearing toward servants and inferiors in station generally. It is a small thing to say, "I thank you," but those little words are often better than gold. No one is too poor to bestow, or too rich to receive them. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 65: VI. THE OBSERVANCES OF EVERY-DAY LIFE. Good manners are the settled medium of social, as specie is of commercial life: returns are equally expected in both; and people will no more advance their civility to a bear, than their money to a bankrupt.--_Chesterfield._ I.--A PRELIMINARY REMARK. In going out into the great world which lies outside of home we have no new principles to lay down for your guidance. Those we have set forth and illustrated in previous chapters are of universal application and meet all contingencies. We shall now essay a brief exposition of the established laws of etiquette, leaving each reader to judge for himself how far he can and ought to conform to them, and what modifications they require to adapt them to a change of time, place, and circumstances. II.--INTRODUCTIONS. It is neither necessary nor desirable to introduce everybody to everybody; and the promiscuous presentations sometimes inflicted upon us are anything but agreeable. You confer no favor on us, and only a nominal one on the person presented, by making us acquainted with one whom we do not desire to know; and you _may_ inflict a positive injury upon both. Yon also put yourself in an unpleasant position; for "an introduction is a social indorsement," and yell become to a certain extent responsible for the person you introduce. If he disgraces himself in any way you share, in a greater or less degree, in his disgrace. Be as cautious in this matter as you would in writing your www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 66: name on the back of another man's note. As a general rule, no gentleman should be presented to a lady without her permission being previously obtained. Between gentlemen this formality is not always necessary, but you should have good reason to believe that the acquaintance will be agreeable to both, before introducing any persons to each other. If a gentleman requests you to present him to another gentleman who is his superior in social position, or to a lady, you should either obtain permission of the latter, or decline to accede to his request, on the ground that you are not sufficiently intimate yourself to take the liberty. If you are walking with a friend, and are met or joined by another, it is not necessary to introduce them to each other; but you may do so if you think they would be glad to become acquainted. The same rule will apply to other accidental meetings. When two men call upon a stranger on a matter of business, each should present the other. The inferior should be introduced to the superior--the gentleman to the lady, as, "Miss Brown, permit me to introduce Mr. Smith." A lady may, however, be introduced to a gentleman much her superior in age or station. Gentlemen and ladies who are presumed to be equals in age and position are mutually introduced; as, "Mr. Wilson, allow me to make you acquainted with Mr. Parker; Mr. Parker, Mr. Wilson." In presenting persons be very careful to speak their names plainly; and on being introduced to another, if you do not catch the name, say, without hesitation or embarrassment, "I beg your pardon, I did not hear the name." It is the common custom in this country to shake hands on being introduced. It is better that this should be optional with the person www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 67: to whom you are presented or with you, if you stood in the position of the superior. If a lady or a superior in age or social position offers the hand, you of course accept it cordially. You will have too much self-respect to be the first to extend the hand in such a case. In merely formal introductions a bow is enough. Feeling should govern in this matter. In introducing members of your own family you should always mention the name. Say, "My father Mr. Jones," "My daughter Miss Jones," or "Miss Mary Jones." Your wife is simply "Mrs. Jones;" and if there happen to be another Mrs. Jones in the family, she may be "Mrs. Jones, my sister-in-law," etc. To speak of your wife as "my lady," or enter yourselves on a hotel register as Mr. Jones and lady, is particularly _snobbish_. Introductions by letter are subject to the same general rules as verbal ones: we should, however, be still more cautious in giving them; but for directions on this point, as well as forms for letters of introduction, see "How to Write," Chapter IX. But may we not speak to a person without an introduction? In many cases we most certainly may and should. There is no reason in the world why two persons who may occupy the same seat in a railway car or a stage coach should remain silent during the whole journey because they have not been introduced, when conversation might be agreeable to both. The same remark will apply to many other occasions. You are not obliged, however to know these _extempore_ acquaintances afterward. If you are a gentleman, do not, we beg you, permit the lack of an introduction to prevent you from promptly offering your services to any unattended lady who may need them. Take off your hat and politely beg the honor of protecting, escorting, or assisting her, and when the service has been accomplished, bow and retire. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 68: III.--SALUTATIONS. "Salutation," a French writer says, "is the touchstone of good breeding." Your good sense will teach you that it should vary in style with persons, times, places, and circumstances. You will meet an intimate friend with a hearty shake of the hand and an inquiry indicative of real interest, in reference to his health and that of his family. To another person you how respectfully without speaking. A slight note of recognition suffices in another case. But you should never come into the presence of any person, unless you feel at liberty to ignore their existence altogether, without some form of salutation. If you meet in company a person with whom you have a quarrel, it is better in general to bow coldly and ceremoniously than to seem not to see him. It is a great rudeness not to return a salutation, no matter how humble the person who salutes you. "A bow," La Fontaine says, "is a note drawn at sight. If you acknowledge it, you must pay the full amount." The two best bred men in England, Charles the Second and George the Fourth, never failed to take off their hats to the meanest of their subjects. A greater man than either, and a true "gentleman of the old school," George Washington, was wont to lift his hat even to the poor negro slave, who took off his as that great man passed. IV.--RECEPTIONS. The duty of receiving visitors usually devolves upon the mistress of the house, and should be performed in an easy, quiet, and self possessed manner, and without any unnecessary ceremony. In this way you will put your guests at their ease, and make their call or visit pleasant both to them and to yourself. From a little book before us entitled "Etiquette for Ladies," we condense a few useful hints on www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 69: this subject: "When any one enters, whether announced or not, rise immediately, advance toward him, and request him to sit down. If it is a young man, _offer_ him an arm-chair, or a stuffed one; if an elderly man, _insist_ upon his _accepting_ the arm-chair; if a lady, beg her to be seated upon the sofa. If the master of the house receives the visitors, he will take a chair and place himself at a little distance from them; if, on the contrary, it is the mistress of the house, and if she is intimate with the lady who visits her, she will place herself near her. If several ladies come at once, we give the most honorable place to the one who, from age or other considerations, is most entitled to respect. In winter, the most honorable places are those at the corners of the fireplace. "If the visitor is a stranger, the master or mistress of the house rises, and any persons who may be already in the room should do the same. If some of them then withdraw, the master or mistress of the house should conduct them as far as the door. But whoever the person may be who departs, if we have other company, we may dispense with conducting farther than the door of the room." Quiet self-possession and unaffected courtesy will enable you to make even a ceremonious morning call tolerable, if not absolutely pleasant to both the caller and yourself. V.--VISITS AND CALLS. Visits are of various kinds, each of which has its own terms and observances. There are visits of ceremony, visits of congratulation, visits of condolence, visits of friendship. Visits of ceremony, though they take up a large share of the time of www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 70: the fashionable lady, are very stupid affairs as a general thing, and have little to recommend them except--Fashion. The best thing about them is that they may and should be short. You pay visits of congratulation to your friends on the occurrence of any particularly auspicious event in his family, or on his appointment to any office or dignity. Visits of condolence should be made within the week after the event which calls for them. Let visits of friendship be governed by friendship's own laws, and the universal principles of good manners. We shall give no particular rules for the regulation of their time or their length. "Morning calls," the "Illustrated Manners Book" says "are the small change of social commerce; parties and assemblies are the heavy drafts. A call is not less than ten nor more than twenty minutes in the city; in the country a little longer. The time for a morning call is between eleven and two o'clock, unless your friends are so fashionable as to dine at five or six, in which case you can call from twelve to three. Morning, in fashionable parlance, means any time before dinner." In a morning call or visit of ceremony, the gentleman takes his hat and cane, if he carries one, into the room. The lady does not take off her bonnet and shawl. In attending ladies who are making morning calls, a gentleman assists them up the steps, rings the bell, _follows_ them into the room, and waits till they have finished their salutations, unless he has a part to perform in presenting them. Ladies should always be the first to rise in terminating a visa, and when they have made their _adieux_ their cavaliers repeat the ceremony, and follow them out. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 71: Soiled overshoes or wet garments should not be worn into any room devoted to the use of ladies. Gentlemen must never remain seated in the company of ladies with whom he is ceremoniously associated, while they are standing. Always relieve ladies of their parcels, parasols, shawls, etc. whenever this will conduce to their convenience.[B] If you call on a person who is "engaged," or "not at home," leave your card. If there are several persons you desire to see, leave a card for each, or desire a servant to present your compliments to them severally. All visits should be returned, personally or by card, just as one should speak when spoken to, or answer a respectful letter. In visiting at a hotel, do not enter your friend's room till your card has announced you. If not at home, send your card to his room with your address written upon it as well as the name of the person for whom it is intended, to avoid mistakes.[C] When you are going abroad, intending to be absent for some time, you inclose your card in an envelope, having first, written T. T. L. [to take leave], or P. P. C. [_pour prendre conge_] upon it--for a man the former is better--and direct it outside to the person for whom it is intended. In taking leave of a _family_, you send as many cards as you would if you were paying an ordinary visit. When you return from your voyage, all the persons to whom, before going, you have sent cards, will pay you the first visit. If, previously to a voyage or his marriage, any one should not send his card to another, it is to be understood that he wishes the acquaintance to cease. The person, therefore, who is thus _dis_carded, should never again visit the other.[D] Visiting cards should be engraved or handsomely written. Those printed on type are considered vulgar, simply, no doubt, because they are cheap. A gentleman's card should be of medium size, unglazed, ungilt, and perfectly plain. A lady's card may be larger and finer, www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 72: and should be carried in a card-case. If you should happen to be paying an evening visit at a house, where, unknown to you, there is a small party assembled, you should enter and present yourself precisely as you would have done had you been invited. To retire precipitately with an apology for the intrusion would create a _scene_, and be extremely awkward. Go in, therefore, converse with ease for a few moments, and then retire. In making morning calls, usage allows a gentleman to wear a frock coat, or a sack coat, if the latter happen to be in fashion. The frock coat is now, in this country, _tolerated_ at dinner-parties, and even at a ball, but is not considered in good _ton_ or style. "Ladies," according to the authority of a writer of their own sex, "should make morning calls in an elegant and simple _neglige_, all the details of which we can not give, on account of their multiplicity and the numerous modifications of fashion. It is necessary for them, when visiting at this time, to arrange their toilet with great care." VI.--APPOINTMENTS. Be exact in keeping all appointments. It is better never to avail yourself of even the quarter of an hour's grace sometimes allowed. If you make an appointment with another at your own house, you should be invisible to the rest of the world, and consecrate your time solely to him. If you accept an appointment at the house of a public officer or a man of business, be very punctual, transact the affair with dispatch, and retire the moment it is finished. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 73: At a dinner or supper to which you have accepted an invitation, be absolutely punctual. It is very annoying to arrive an hour before the rest, and still worse to be too late. If you find yourself in the latter predicament on an occasion where ceremony is required, send in your card, with an apology, and retire. VII.--TABLE MANNERS. We shall speak in another place of the ceremonious observances requisite at formal dinner parties. Our observations here will be of a more general character, and of universal application. Take your seat quietly at the table. Sit firmly in your chair, without lolling, leaning back, drumming, or any other uncouth action. Unfold your napkin and lay it in your lap, eat soup delicately with a spoon, holding a piece of bread in your left hand. Be careful to make no noise in chewing or swallowing your food. Cut your food with your knife; but the fork is to be used to convey it to your mouth. A spoon is employed for food that can not be eaten with a fork. Take your fork or spoon in the right hand. Never use both hands to convey anything to your month. Break your bread, not cut or bite it. Your cup was made to drink from, and your saucer to hold the cup. It is not well to drink anything hot; but you can wait till your tea or coffee cools. Eggs should be eaten from the shell (chipping off a little of the _larger_ end), with or without an egg-cup. The egg-cup is to hold the shell, and not its contents. Be attentive to the wants of any lady who may be seated next to you, especially where there are no servants, and pass anything that may be needful to others. When you send up your plate for anything, your knife and fork should www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 74: go with it. When you have finished the course, lay your knife and fork on your plate, parallel to each other, with the handles toward your right hand. Of course, you should never put your knife into the butter or the salt, or your spoon into the sugar-bowl. _Eat moderately and slowly_, for your health's sake; but rapid, gross, and immoderate eating is as vulgar as it is unwholesome. Never say or do anything at table that is liable to produce disgust. Wipe your nose, if needful, but never blow it. If it is necessary to do this, or to spit, leave the table. It is almost unnecessary to mention that the table-cloth is not the place to put your salt. Bread is the only comestible which the custom of well-bred people permits to be laid off your plate. It is well not to seem too much in haste to commence, as if you are famishing, but neither is it necessary to wait till everybody is served before you commence. It is perfectly proper to "take the last piece," if you want it, always presuming that there is more of the same in reserve. VIII.--CONVERSATION. As conversation is the principal business in company, we can not well pay too much attention to it; but having devoted another work to the subject, we shall make this section briefer than would otherwise be allowable, and refer our readers for complete instructions in this important art to "How to Talk."[E] The maxims which follow are mostly compiled from other works now before us. The wit of conversation consists more in finding it in others than in showing a great deal yourself. He who goes from your conversation pleased with himself and his own wit, is perfectly well pleased with www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 75: you. The most delicate pleasure is to please another.[F] Men of all sorts of occupations meet in society. As they go there to unbend their minds and escape from the fetters of business, you should never, in an evening, speak to a man about his profession. Do not talk of politics to a journalist, of fevers to a physician, of stocks to a broker. Talk to a mother about her children. Women are never tired of hearing of themselves and their children.[G] In promiscuous companies you should vary your address agreeably to the different ages of the persons to whom you speak. It would be rude and absurd to talk of your courtships or your pleasures to men of certain dignity and gravity, to clergymen, or men in years. To women you should always address yourself with great respect and attention; their sex is entitled to it, and it is among the duties of good manners; at the same time, that respect is very properly and very agreeably mixed with a degree of gayety, if you have it. In relating anything, avoid repetitions, or very hackneyed expressions, such as, _says he_, or _says she_. Some people will use these so often as to take off the hearer's attention from the story; as, in an organ out of tune, one pipe shall perhaps sound the whole time we are playing, and confuse the piece so as not to be understood. Carefully avoid talking either of your own or other people's domestic concerns. By doing the one, you will be thought vain; by entering into the other, you will be considered officious. Talking of yourself is an impertinence to the company; your affairs are nothing to them; besides, they can not be kept too secret. As to the affairs of others, what are they to you? You should never help out or forestall the slow speaker, as if you alone were rich in expressions, and he were poor. You may take it for granted that every one is vain enough to think he can talk well, www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 76: though he may modestly deny it. [There is an exception to this rule. In speaking with foreigners, who understand our language imperfectly, and may be unable to find the right word, it is sometimes polite to assist them by suggesting the word they require.] Giving advice unasked is another piece of rudeness. It is, in effect, declaring ourselves wiser than those to whom we give it; reproaching them with ignorance and inexperience. It is a freedom that ought not to be taken with any common acquaintance. Those who contradict others upon all occasions, and make every assertion a matter of dispute, betray, by this behavior, a want of acquaintance with good breeding. Vulgarism in language is the next and distinguishing characteristic of bad company and a bad education. A man of fashion avoids nothing with more care than that. Proverbial expressions and trite sayings are the flowers of the rhetoric of a vulgar man.[H] Never descend to flattery; but deserved compliments should never be withheld. Be attentive to any person who may be speaking to you, and be equally ready to speak or to listen, as the case may require. Never dispute. As a general rule, do not ride your own _hobbies_ in a mixed company, nor allow yourself to be "trotted out" for their amusement. IX.--MUSIC. When music commences, conversation should cease. It is very rude to talk while another person is singing or playing. A lady should never exhibit any anxiety to sing or play; but if she intends to do so, she should not affect to refuse when asked, but obligingly accede at once. If you can not sing, or do not choose to, www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 77: say so with seriousness and gravity, and put an end to the expectation promptly. After singing once or twice, cease and give place to others. The complaint is as old as the days of Horace, that a singer can with the greatest difficulty be set agoing, and when agoing, can not be stopped. In playing an accompaniment for another, do not forget that it is intended to aid, and not to interrupt, and that the instrument is subordinate to the singer. When a lady is playing, it is desirable that some one should turn the leaves for her. Some gentleman will be generally at hand to do this, but unless he be able to read music, his services may as well be dispensed with. X.--LETTERS AND NOTES. Few accomplishments are more important than letter writing--in fact, it is absolutely indispensable to every man or woman who desires to fill a respectable position it society. But good letter-writers are rare. Too little attention is paid to the subject in our systems of education; and the lack of the ability to write a decent letter, or even a note of invitation, acceptance, or regret, is often the cause of great mortification, to say nothing of the delays, misunderstandings, and losses resulting in business affairs from bungling and incorrectly written letters. The impossibility of doing justice to the subject in the very limited space that we could devote to it in this work, compels us to refer the reader to our little manual of Composition and Letter-Writing, entitled "How to Write," in which the whole subject is thoroughly explained and illustrated. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 78: XI.--MISCELLANEOUS HINTS. 1. _Which goes First?_ In ascending or descending stairs with a lady, it is proper to offer your arm, provided the stair-case is sufficiently wide to permit two to go up or down abreast. But if it is not, which should go first? Authorities disagree. Usage is not settled. It is a general rule of etiquette to give ladies the precedence everywhere. Is there a sufficient reason for making this an exception? One says that if you follow a lady in going down stairs, you are liable to tread on her dress, and that if she precedes you in going up, she might display a large foot or a thick ankle which were better concealed. He thinks the gentleman should go first. Another calls this a maxim of prudery and the legacy of a maiden aunt. Colonel Lunettes, our oft-quoted friend of the old _regime_, speaks very positively on this point. "Nothing is more absurd," he says, "than the habit of preceding ladies in ascending stairs, adopted by some men--as if by following just behind them, as one should if the arm be disengaged, there can be any impropriety. Soiled frills and unmended hose must have originated this vulgarity." Let the ladies decide. 2. _An American Habit._ There is a habit peculiar to the United States, and from which even some females, who class themselves as ladies, are not entirely free--that of lolling back, balanced upon the two hind legs of a chair. Such a breach of good breeding is rarely committed in Europe. Lolling is carried even so for in America, that it is not uncommon to see the attorneys lay their feet upon the council table; and the www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 79: clerks and judges theirs also upon their desks in open court. 3. _Gloved or Ungloved?_ In shaking hands it is more respectful to offer an ungloved hand; but if two gentlemen are both gloved, it is very foolish to keep each other waiting to take them off. You should not, however, offer a gloved hand to a lady or a superior who is ungloved. Foreigners are sometimes very sensitive in this matter, and might deem the glove an insult. It is well for a gentleman to carry his right-hand glove in his hand where he is likely to have occasion to shake hands. At a ball or a party the gloves should not be taken off. 4. _Equality._ In company, though none are _free_, yet all are _equal_. All, therefore, whom you meet should be treated with equal respect, although interest may dictate toward each different degrees of attention. It is disrespectful to the inviter to shun any of her guests. 5. _False Shame._ In a letter to his son, Lord Chesterfield makes the following confession: "I have often wished an obscure acquaintance absent, for meeting and taking notice of me when I was in what I thought and called fine company. I have returned his notice shyly, awkwardly, and consequently offensively, for fear of a momentary joker not considering, as I ought to have done, that the very people who would have joked upon me at first, would have esteemed me the more for it afterward." www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 80: A good hint for us all. 6. _Pulling out one's Watch._ Pulling out your watch in company, unasked, either at home or abroad, is a mark of ill-breeding. If at home, it appears as if you were tired of your company, and wished them to be gone; if abroad, as if the hours dragged heavily, and you wished to be gone yourself. If you want to know the time, withdraw; besides, as the taking what is called French leave was introduced, that, on one person's leaving the company, the rest might not be disturbed, looking at your watch does what that piece of politeness was designed to prevent. 7. _Husband and Wife._ A gentleman speaks of his wife in a mixed company as Mrs. ----, and a lady of her husband as Mr. ----. So one does not say in speaking to another, "your wife," or "your husband," but Mrs. or Mr. ----. Among intimates, however, to say "my wife," or "my husband," is better, because less formal. Let there be a _fitness_ in everything, whatever conventional rules you may violate. 8. _Bowing vs. Curtseying._ Curtseying is obsolete. Ladies now universally bow instead. The latter is certainly a more convenient, if not a more graceful form of salutation, particularly on the street. 9. _Presents._ www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 81: Among friends, presents ought to be made of things of small value; or, if valuable, their worth should be derived from the style of the workmanship, or from some accidental circumstance, rather than from the inherent and solid richness. Especially never offer to a lady a gift of great cost; it is in the highest degree indelicate, and looks as if you were desirous of placing her under an obligation to you, and of buying her good-will. The gifts made by ladies to gentlemen are of the most refined nature possible; they should be little articles not purchased, but deriving a priceless value as being the offspring of their gentle skill; a little picture from their pencil or a trifle from their needle. A present should be made with as little parade and ceremony as possible. If it is a small matter, a gold pencil-case, a thimble to a lady, or an affair of that sort, it should not be offered formally, but in an indirect way. Emerson says: "Rings and other jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts. The only gift is a portion of thyself. Thou must bleed for me. Therefore the poet brings his poem; the shepherd, his lamb; the farmer, his corn; the miner, a gem; the sailor, coral and shells; the painter, his picture; the girl, a handkerchief of her own sewing." 10. _Snobbery._ When you hear a man insisting upon points of etiquette and fashion; wondering, for instance, how people can eat with steel forks and survive it, or what charms existence has for persons who dine at three without soup and fish, be sure that that individual is a snob. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 82: 11. _Children._ Show, but do not show off, your children to strangers. Recollect, in the matter of children, how many are born every hour, each are almost as remarkable as yours in the eyes of its papa and mamma. FOOTNOTES: [B] "Colonel Lunettes." [C] "Manners Book." [D] "Etiquette for Gentlemen." [E] "How to Talk: A Pocket Manual of Conversation, Public Speaking, and Debating." New York. Fowler and Wells. Price 80 cents. [F] La Bruyere [G] "Etiquette for Gentlemen." [H] Chesterfield. VII. THE ETIQUETTE OF OCCASIONS. Great plenty, much formality, small cheer, And everybody out of his own sphere.--_Byron._ www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 83: I.--DINNER PARTIES. A young man or a young woman, unaccustomed to the settled observances of such occasions, can hardly pass through a severer ordeal than a formal dinner. Its terrors, however, are often greatly magnified. Such a knowledge of the principal points of table etiquette as you may acquire from this book, complete self-possession, habits of observation, and a fair share of practical good sense, will carry one safely if not pleasantly through it. You may entertain the opinion that such dinners, and formal parties in general, are tiresome affairs, and that there might be quite as much real courtesy and a great deal more enjoyment with less ceremony, and we may entirely agree with you; but what _is_, and not what _might be_, is the point to be elucidated. We are to take society as we find it. You may, as a general rule, decline invitations to dinner parties without any breach of good manners, and without giving offense, if you think that neither your enjoyment nor your interests will be promoted by accepting; or you may not go into what is technically called "society" at all, and yet you are liable, at a hotel, on board a steamer, or on some extraordinary occasion, to be placed in a position in which ignorance of dinner etiquette will be very mortifying and the information contained in this section be worth a hundred times the cost of the book. We now proceed to note the common routine of a fashionable dinner, as laid down in books and practiced in polite society. On some points usage is not uniform, but varies in different countries, and even in different cities in the same country, as well as in different circles in the same place. For this reason you must not rely wholly upon this or any other manners book, but, keeping your eyes open and your wits about you, _wait and see what others do_, and follow the prevailing mode. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 84: 1. _Invitations._ Invitations to a dinner are usually issued several days before the appointed time--the length of time being proportioned to the grandeur of the occasion. On receiving one, you should answer at once, addressing the lady of the house. You should either accept or decline unconditionally, as they will wish to know whom to expect, and make their preparations accordingly. 2. _Dress._ You must go to a dinner party in "full dress." Just what this is, is a question of time and place. Strictly interpreted, it allows gentlemen but little choice. A black dress coat and trowsers, a black or white vest and cravat, white gloves, and pumps and silk stockings were formerly rigorously insisted upon. But the freedom-loving "spirit of the age" has already made its influence felt even in the realms of fashion, and a little more latitude is now allowed in most circles. The "American Gentleman's Guide" enumerates the essentials of a gentleman's dress for occasions of ceremony in general, as follows: "A stylish, well-fitting cloth coat, of some dark color and of unexceptionable quality, nether garments to correspond, or in warm weather, or under other suitable circumstances, white pants of a fashionable material and make, the finest and purest linen, embroidered in white, if at all; a cravat and vest of some dark or neutral tint, according to the physiognomical peculiarities of the wearer and the _prevailing mode_; an entirely fresh-looking, fashionable black hat, and carefully-fitted modish boots, white gloves, and a soft, thin, white handkerchief." www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 85: A lady's "full dress" is not easily defined, and fashion allows her greater scope for the exercise of her taste in the selection of materials, the choice of colors, and the style of making. Still, she must "be in the fashion." 3. _Punctuality._ Never allow yourself to be a minute behind the time. The dinner can not be served till all the guests have arrived. If it is spoiled through your tardiness, you are responsible not only to your inviter, but to his outraged guests. Better be too late for the steamer or the railway train than for a dinner! 4. _Going to the Table._ When dinner is announced, the host rises and requests all to walk to the dining-room, to which he leads the way, having given his arm to the lady who, from age or any other consideration, is entitled to precedence. Each gentleman offers his arm to a lady, and all follow in order. If you are not the principal guest, you must be careful not to offer your arm to the handsomest or most distinguished lady. 5. _Arrangement of Guests._ Where rank or social position are regarded (and where are they not to some extent?), the two most distinguished gentlemen are placed next the mistress of the house, and the two most distinguished ladies next the master of the house. The right hand is especially the place of honor. If it is offered to you, you should not refuse it. It is one of the first and most difficult things properly to arrange www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 86: the guests, and to place them in such a manner that the conversation may always be general during the entertainment. If the number of gentlemen is nearly equal to that of the ladies, we should take care to intermingle them. We should separate husbands from their wives, and remove near relations as far from one another as possible, because being always together they ought not to converse among themselves in a general party. 6. _Duties of the Host._ To perform faultlessly the honors of the table is one of the most difficult things in society; it might indeed be asserted, without much fear of contradiction, that no man has as yet ever reached exact propriety in his office as host. When he receives others, he must be content to forget himself; he must relinquish all desire to shine, and even all attempts to please his guests by conversation, and rather do all in his power to let them please one another. Help ladies with a due appreciation of their delicacy, moderation, and fastidiousness of their appetites; and do not overload the plate of any person you serve. Never pour gravy on a plate without permission. It spoils the meat for some persons. Do not insist upon your guests partaking of particular dishes; never ask persons more than once, and never put anything by force upon their plates. It is extremely ill-bred, though extremely common, to press one to eat of anything. The host should never recommend or eulogize any particular dish; his guests will take it for granted that anything found at his table is excellent. The most important maxim in hospitality is to leave every one to his www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 87: own choice and enjoyment, and to free him _from an ever-present sense of being entertained_. You should never send away your own plate until all your guests have finished. 7. _Duties of the Guests._ Gentlemen must be assiduous but not officious in their attentions to the ladies. See that they lack nothing, but do not seem to watch them. If a "grace" is to be asked, treat the observance with respect. Good manners require this, even if veneration fails to suggest it. Soup will come first. _You must not decline it_; because nothing else can be served till the first course is finished, and to sit with nothing before you would be awkward. But you may eat as little of it as you choose. The host serves his left-hand neighbor first, then his right hand, and so on till all are served. Take whatever is given you, and do _not_ offer it to your neighbor; and begin at once to eat. You must not suck soup into your month, blow it, or send for a second plate. The second course is fish, which is to be eaten with a fork, and without vegetables. The last part of this injunction does not, of course, apply to informal dinners, where fish is the principal dish. Fish, like soup, is served but once. When you have eaten what you wish, you lay your fork on your plate, and the waiter removes it. The third course brings the principal dishes--roast and boiled meats, fowl, etc., which are followed by game. There are also side dishes of various kinds. At dessert, help the ladies near you to whatever they may require. Serve strawberries with a spoon, but pass cherries, grapes, or peaches for each to help himself with his fingers. You need not volunteer to pare an apple or a peach for a lady, but should do so, of course, at her request, using her fork or some other than your own to hold it. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 88: We have said in our remarks on table manners in general, in a previous chapter, that in sending your plate for anything, you should leave your knife and fork upon it. For this injunction we have the authority of most of the books on etiquette, as well as of general usage. There seems also to be a reason for the custom in the fact, that to hold them in your hand would be awkward, and to lay them on the table-cloth might soil it; but the author of the "American Gentleman's Guide," whose acquaintance with the best usage is not to be questioned, says that they should be retained, and either kept together in the hand, or rested upon your bread, to avoid soiling the cloth. Eat deliberately and decorously (there can be no harm in repeating this precept), masticate your food thoroughly, and _beware of drinking too much ice-water_. If your host is not a "temperance man," that is, one pledged to total abstinence, wine will probably be drunk. You can of course decline, but you must do so courteously, and without any reflection upon those who drink. You are not invited to deliver a temperance lecture. Where finger-glasses are used, dip the tips of your fingers in the water and wipe them on your napkin; and wet a corner of the napkin and wipe your mouth. Snobs sometimes wear gloves at table. It is not necessary that you should imitate them. The French fashion of having the principal dishes carved on a side-table, and served by attendants, is now very generally adopted at ceremonious dinners in this country, but few gentlemen who go into company at all can safely count upon never being called upon to carve, and the _art_ is well worth acquiring. Ignorance of it sometimes places one in an awkward position. You will find directions on this subject in almost any cook-book; you will learn more, however, by watching an accomplished carver than in any other way. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 89: Do not allow yourself to be too much engrossed in attending to the wants of the stomach, to join in the cheerful interchange of civilities and thoughts with those near you. We must leave a hundred little things connected with a dinner party unmentioned; but what we have said here, together with the general canons of eating laid down in Chapter VI. (Section 7, "Table Manners"), and a little observation, will soon make you a proficient in the etiquette of these occasions, in which, if you will take our advice, you will not participate very frequently. An _informal_ dinner, at which you meet two or three friends, and find more cheer and less ceremony, is much to be preferred. II.--EVENING PARTIES. Evening parties are of various kinds, and more or less ceremonious, as they are more or less fashionable. Their object is or should be social enjoyment, and the manners of the company ought to be such as will best promote it. A few hints, therefore, in addition to the general maxims of good behavior already laid down, will suffice. 1. _Invitations._ Having accepted an invitation to a party, never fail to keep your promise, and especially do not allow bad weather, of any ordinary character, to prevent your attendance. A married man should never accept an invitation from a lady in which his wife is not included. 2. _Salutations._ When you enter a drawing-room where there is a party, you salute the www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 90: lady of the house before speaking to any one else. Even your most intimate friends are enveloped in an opake atmosphere until you have made your bow to your entertainer.[I] You then mix with the company, salute your acquaintances, and join in the conversation. You may converse freely with any person you meet on such an occasion, without the formality of an introduction. 3. _Conversation._ When conversation is not general, nor the subject sufficiently interesting to occupy the whole company, they break up into different groups. Each one converses with one or more of his neighbors on his right and left. We should, if we wish to speak to any one, avoid leaning upon the person who happens to be between. A gentleman ought not to lean upon the arm of a lady's chair, but he may, if standing, support himself by the back of it, in order to converse with the lady partly turned toward him.[J] The members of an invited family should never be seen conversing one with another at a party. 4. _French Leave._ If you desire to withdraw before the party breaks up, take "French leave"--that is, go quietly out without disturbing any one, and without saluting even the mistress of the house, unless you can do so without attracting attention. The contrary course would interrupt the rest of the company, and call for otherwise unnecessary explanations and ceremony. 5. _Sports and Games._ www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 91: Among young people, and particularly in the country, a variety of sports or plays, as they are called, are in vogue. Some of them are fitting only for children; but others are more intellectual, and may be made sources of improvement as well as of amusement. Entering into the spirit of these sports, we throw off some of the restraints of a more formal intercourse; but they furnish no excuse for rudeness. You must not forget your politeness in your hilarity, or allow yourself to "take liberties," or lose your sense of delicacy and propriety. The selection of the games or sports belongs to the ladies, though any person may modestly propose any amusement, and ask the opinion of others in reference to it. The person who gives the party will exercise her prerogative to vary the play, that the interest may be kept up. If this were the proper place, we should enter an earnest protest against the promiscuous kissing which sometimes forms part of the performances in some of these games, but it is not our office to proscribe or introduce observances, but to regulate them. No true gentleman will _abuse_ the freedom which the laws of the game allows; but if required, will delicately kiss the hand, the forehead, or, at most, the cheek of the lady. A lady will offer her lips to be kissed only to a lover or a husband, and not to him in company. The French code is a good one: "Give your hand to a gentleman to kiss, your cheek to a friend, but keep your lips for your lover." Never prescribe any forfeiture which can wound the feelings of any of the company, and "pay" those which may be adjudged to you with cheerful promptness. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 92: 6. _Dancing._ An evening party is often only another name for a ball. We may have as many and as weighty objections to dancing, as conducted at these fashionable parties, as to the formal dinners and rich and late suppers which are in vogue in the same circles, but this is not the place to discuss the merits of the quadrille or the waltz, but to lay down the etiquette of the occasions on which they are practiced. We condense from the various authorities before us the following code: 1. According to the hours now in fashion in our large cities, ten o'clock is quite early enough to present yourself at a dance. You will even then find many coming after you. In the country, you should go earlier. 2. Draw on your gloves (white or yellow) in the dressing-room, and do not be for one moment with them off in the dancing-rooms. At supper take them off; nothing is more preposterous than to eat in gloves. 3. When you are sure of a place in the dance, you go up to a lady and ask her if she will _do you the honor_ to dance with you. If she answers that she is engaged, merely request her to name the earliest dance for which she is not engaged, and when she will do you the honor of dancing with you. 4. If a gentleman offers to dance with a lady, she should not refuse, unless for some _particular_ and _valid_ reason, in which case she can accept the next offer. But if she has no further objection than a temporary dislike or a piece of coquetry, it is a direct insult to him to refuse him and accept the next offer; besides, it shows too marked a preference for the latter. 5. When a woman is standing in a quadrille, though not engaged in dancing, a man not acquainted with her partner should not converse www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 93: with her. 6. When an unpracticed dancer makes a mistake, we may apprize him of his error; but it would be very impolite to have the air of giving him a lesson. 7. Unless a man has a very graceful figure, and can use it with great elegance, it is better for him to _walk_ through the quadrilles, or invent some gliding movement for the occasion. 8. At the end of the dance, the gentleman re-conducts the lady to her place, bows, and thanks her for the honor which she has conferred. She also bows in silence. 9. The master of the house should see that all the ladies dance. He should take notice particularly of those who seem to serve as _drapery_ to the walls of the ball-room (or _wall flowers_, as the familiar expression is), and should see that they are invited to dance. 10. Ladies who dance much should be very careful not to boast before those who dance but little or not at all, of the great number of dances for which they are engaged in advance. They should also, without being perceived, recommend these less fortunate ladies to gentlemen of their acquaintance. 11. For any of the members, either sons or daughters, of the family at whose house the ball is given, to dance frequently or constantly, denotes decided ill-breeding; the ladies should not occupy those places in a quadrille which others may wish to fill, and they should, moreover, be at leisure to attend to the rest of the company; and the gentlemen should be entertaining the married women and those who do not dance. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 94: 12. Never hazard taking part in a quadrille, unless you know how to dance tolerably; for if you are a novice, or but little skilled, you would bring disorder into the midst of pleasure. 13. If you accompany your wife to a dance, be careful not to dance with her, except perhaps the first set. 14. When that long and anxiously desiderated hour, the hour of supper, has arrived, you hand the lady you attend up or down to the supper-table. You remain with her while she is at the table, seeing that she has all that she desires, and then conduct her back to the dancing-rooms. 15. A gentleman attending a lady should invariably dance the first set with her, and may afterward introduce her to a friend for the purpose of dancing. 16. Ball-room introductions cease with the object--viz.: dancing; nor subsequently anywhere else can a gentleman approach the lady by salutation or in any other mode without a re-introduction of a formal character. This code must be understood as applying in full only to fashionable dancing parties in the city, though most of the rules should be adhered to in any place. The good sense of the reader will enable him to modify them to suit any particular occasion. III.--ANNUAL FESTIVALS. 1. _Christmas._ At Christmas people give parties and make presents. In Europe, and in www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 95: some portions of our own country, it is the most important festive occasion in the year. Beyond the religious observances of the Catholics, Episcopalians, and some other sects, and the universal custom of making presents to all our relatives and intimate friends, and especially to the children, there is no matter of etiquette peculiar to Christmas which it is necessary for us to note. We have already spoken of presents; and religious ceremonies will find a place in another chapter. 2. _The New Year._ In New York, and some other cities and towns which have adopted its customs, every gentleman is expected to call on all his lady acquaintances on New Year's day; and each lady on her part must be prepared properly to do the honors of her house. Refreshments are usually provided in great profusion. The etiquette of these occasions does not differ materially from that of ceremonious morning calls, except that the entire day is devoted to them, and they may be extended beyond the limits of one's ordinary visiting list. The ladies may make their calls on the next day, or any time within the week. 3. _Thanksgiving._ This is the great family festival of New England--the season of home gatherings. Sons and daughters, scattered far and wide, then turn instinctively toward the old homestead, and the fireside of their childhood is again made glad by their presence and that of their little ones. Etiquette requires fat turkeys, well roasted, a plenty of _pumpkin pies_, unbounded hospitality, genuine friendliness, and cheerful and thankful hearts. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 96: 4. _Birthdays._ Birthdays are sometimes made family festivals at which parties are given, and presents made to the one whose anniversary is celebrated. In France, these occasions are observed with great merry making and many felicitations and gifts. IV.--EXCURSIONS AND PICNICS. Picnic excursions into the country are not occasions of ceremony, but call for the exercise of all one's real good nature and good breeding. On leaving the carriage, cars, or steamboat, gentlemen should of course relieve the ladies they attend of the shawls, baskets, etc., with which they may have provided themselves, and give them all necessary assistance in reaching the spot selected for the festivities. It is also their duty and their happiness to accompany them in their rambles, when it is the pleasure of the fair ones to require their attendance, but _not_ to be _obtrusive_. They may sometimes wish to be alone. If a lady chooses to seat herself upon the ground, you are not at liberty to follow her example unless she invites you to be seated. She must not have occasion to think of the possibility of any impropriety on your part. You are her servant, protector, and guard of honor. You will of course give her your hand to assist her in rising. When the sylvan repast is served, you will see that the ladies whose cavalier you have the honor to be, lack nothing. The ladies, social queens though they be, should not forget that every favor or act of courtesy and deference, by whoever shown, demands some acknowledgment on their part--a word, a bow, a smile, or at least a kind look. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 97: V.--WEDDINGS. We copy from one of the numerous manners books before us the following condensed account of the usual ceremonies of a formal wedding. A simpler, less ceremonious, and more private mode of giving legal sanction to an already existing union of hearts would be more to _our_ taste; but, as the French proverb has it, _Chacun a son gout_.[K] For a stylish wedding, the lady requires a bridegroom, two bridesmaids, two groomsmen, and a parson or magistrate, her relatives and whatever friends of both parties they may choose to invite. For a formal wedding in the evening, a week's notice is requisite. The lady fixes the day. Her mother or nearest female relation invites the guests. The evening hour is 8 o'clock; but if the ceremony is private, and the happy couple to start immediately and alone, the ceremony usually takes place in the morning at eleven or twelve o'clock. If there is an evening party, the refreshments must be as usual on such occasions, with the addition of wedding cake, commonly a pound cake with rich frosting, and a fruit cake. The dress of the bride is of the purest white; her head is commonly dressed with orange flowers, natural or artificial, and white roses. She wears few ornaments, and none but such as are given her for the occasion. A white lace vail is often worn on the head. White long gloves and white satin slippers complete the costume. The dress of the bridegroom is simply the full dress of a gentleman, of unusual richness and elegance. The bridesmaids are dressed also in white, but more simply than the bride. At the hour appointed for the ceremony, the second bridesmaid and www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 98: groomsman, when there are two, enter the room; then, first bridesmaid and groomsman; and lastly the bride and bridegroom. They enter, the ladies taking the arms of the gentlemen, and take seats appointed, so that the bride is at the right of the bridegroom, and each supported by their respective attendants. A chair is then placed for the clergyman or magistrate in front of the happy pair. When he comes forward to perform the ceremony, the bridal party rises. The first bridesmaid, at the proper time, removes the glove from the left hand of the bride; or, what seems to us more proper, both bride and bridegroom have their gloves removed at the beginning of the ceremony. In joining hands they take each other's right hand, the bride and groom partially turning toward each other. The wedding ring, of plain fine gold, provided beforehand by the groom, is sometimes given to the clergyman, who presents it. It is placed upon the third finger of the left hand. When the ceremony is ended, and the twain are pronounced one flesh, the company present their congratulations--the clergyman first, then the mother, the father of the bride, and the relations; then the company, the groomsmen acting as masters of ceremonies, bringing forward and introducing the ladies, who wish the happy couple joy, happiness, prosperity; but not exactly "many happy returns." The bridegroom takes an early occasion to thank the clergyman, and to put in his hand, at the same time, nicely enveloped, a piece of gold, according to his ability and generosity. The gentleman who dropped two half dollars into the minister's hands, as they were held out, in the prayer, was a little confused by the occasion. When a dance follows the ceremony and congratulations, the bride dances, first, with the first groomsman, taking the head of the room and the quadrille, and the bridegroom with the first bridesmaid; afterwards as they please. The party breaks up early--certainly by www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 99: twelve o'clock.[L] The cards of the newly married couple are sent to those only whose acquaintance they wish to continue. No offense should be taken by those whom they may choose to exclude. Send your card, therefore, with the lady's, to all whom you desire to include in the circle of your future acquaintances. The lady's card will have engraved upon it, below her name, "At home, ---- evening, at--o'clock." They should be sent a week previous to the evening indicated. VI.--FUNERALS. When any member of a family is dead, it is customary to send intelligence of the misfortune to all who have been connected with the deceased in relations of business or friendship. The letters which are sent contain a special invitation to assist at the funeral. Such a letter requires no answer. At an interment or funeral service, the members of the family are entitled to the first places. They are nearest to the coffin, whether in the procession or in the church. The nearest relations go in a full mourning dress. We are excused from accompanying the body to the burying-ground, unless the deceased be a relation or an intimate friend. If we go as far as the burying-ground, we should give the first carriage to the relations or most intimate friends of the deceased. We should walk with the head uncovered, silently, and with such a mien as the occasion naturally suggests. FOOTNOTES: www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 100: [I] "Etiquette for Gentlemen." [J] Madame Celnart [K] Each one to his taste. [L] "Manners Book." VIII. THE ETIQUETTE OF PLACES. To ladies always yield your seat, And lift your hat upon the street.--_Uncle Dan._ I.--ON THE STREET. Nowhere has a man or a woman occasion more frequently to exercise the virtue of courtesy than on the street; and in no place is the distinction between the polite and the vulgar more marked. The following are some of the rules of street etiquette: Except in a case of necessity, you should not stop a business man on the street during business hours. He may have appointments, and, in any event, his time is precious. If you must speak with him, walk on in his direction, or if you detain him, state your errand briefly, and politely apologize for the detention. Do not allow yourself to be so absent-minded or absorbed in your business as not to recognize and salute your acquaintances on the www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 101: street. You must not make the pressure of your affairs an excuse for rudeness. If you do not intend to stop, on meeting a friend, touch your hat, say "Good-morning," or "I hope you are well," and pass on. If you stop, you may offer a gloved hand, if necessary, without apology. Waiting to draw off a tight glove is awkward. In stopping to talk on the street, you should step aside from the human current. If you are compelled to detain a friend, when he is walking with a stranger, apologize to the stranger and release your friend as soon as possible. The stranger will withdraw, in order not to hear your conversation. Never leave a friend suddenly on the street, either to join another or for any other reason, without a brief apology. In walking with gentlemen who are your superiors in age or station, give them the place of honor, by taking yourself the outer side of the pavement. When you meet a lady with whom you are acquainted, you should lift your hat, as you bow to her; but unless you are intimate friends, it is the lady's duty to give some sign of recognition first, as she might _possibly_ choose to "cut" you, and thus place you in a very awkward position; but unless you have forfeited all claims to respect, she certainly _should_ not do such a thing. In meeting a gentleman whom you know, walking with a lady with whom you are not acquainted, you are to bow with grave respect to her also.[M] If you are acquainted with both, you bow first to the lady, and then, less profoundly, to the gentleman. If your glove be dark colored, or your hand ungloved, do not offer to shake hands with a lady in full dress. If you wish to speak with a lady whom you meet on the street, turn and walk with her; but you should not accompany her far, except at her request, and should always lift your hat and bow upon withdrawing. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 102: Be careful to avoid intrusion everywhere; and for this reason be very sure that such an addition to their party would be perfectly agreeable before you join a lady and gentleman who may be walking together; otherwise you might find yourself in the position of an "awkward third." In walking with ladies on the street, gentlemen will of course treat them with the most scrupulous _politeness_. This requires that you place yourself in that relative position in which you can best shield them from danger or inconvenience. You generally give them the wall side, but circumstances may require you to reverse this position. You must offer your arm to a lady with whom you are walking whenever her safety, comfort, or convenience may seem to require such attention on your part. At night, in taking a long walk in the country, or in ascending the steps of a public building, your arm should always be tendered. In walking with ladies or elderly people, a gentleman must not forget to accommodate his speed to theirs. In walking with _any_ person you should _keep step_ with military precision. If a lady with whom you are walking receives the salute of a person who is a stranger to you, you should return it, not for yourself, but for her. When a lady whom you accompany wishes to enter a shop, or _store_ (if we must use an Americanism to explain a good English word), you should hold the door open and allow her to enter first, if practicable; for you must never pass before a lady anywhere, if you can avoid it, or without an apology. If a lady addresses an inquiry to a gentleman on the street, he will lift his hat, or at least touch it respectfully, as he replies. If he www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 103: can not give the information required, he will express his regrets. "When tripping over the pavement," Madame Celnart says, "a lady should gracefully raise her dress a little above her ankle. With her right hand she should hold together the folds of her gown and draw them toward the right side. To raise the dress on both sides, and with both hands, is vulgar. This ungraceful practice can be tolerated only for a moment, when the mud is very deep." This was written in Paris, and not in New York. American ladies dress too richly and elaborately for the street. You should dress well--neatly and in good taste, and in material adapted to the season; but the full costume, suitable to the carriage or the drawing-room, is entirely out of place in a shopping excursion, and does not indicate a refined taste; in other words, it looks _snobbish_. The out-door costume of ladies is not complete without a shawl or a mantle. Shawls are difficult to wear gracefully, and few American ladies wear them well. You should not drag a shawl tight to your shoulders, and stick out your elbows, but fold it loosely and gracefully, so that it may fully envelop the figure. II.--SHOPPING. Madame Celnart has the following hints to the ladies on this important subject. Having enjoined the most patient and forbearing courtesy on the part of the shopkeeper,[N] she proceeds: "Every civility ought to be reciprocal, or nearly so. If the officious politeness of the shopkeeper does not require an equal return, he has at least a claim to civil treatment; and, finally, if this politeness proceed from interest, is this a reason why purchasers should add to www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 104: the unpleasantness of his profession, and disregard violating the laws of politeness? Many very respectable people allow themselves so many infractions in this particular, that I think it my duty to dwell upon it. "You should never say, _I want such a thing_, but _Show me, if you please, that article_, or use some other polite form of address. If they do not show you at first the articles you desire, and you are obliged to examine a great number, apologize to the shopkeeper for the trouble you give him. If after all you can not suit yourself, renew your apologies when you go away. "If you make small purchases, say, _I am sorry for having troubled you for so trifling a thing_. If you spend a considerable time in the selection of articles, apologize to the shopkeeper who waits for you to decide. "If the price seems to you too high, and the shop has not fixed prices, ask an abatement in brief and civil terms, and without ever appearing to suspect the good faith of the shopkeeper. If he does not yield, do not enter into a contest with him, but go away, after telling him politely that you think you can obtain the article cheaper elsewhere, but if not, that you will give him the preference." III.--AT CHURCH. If you go to church, be in season, that you may not interrupt the congregation by entering after the services have commenced. The celebrated Mrs. Chapone said that it was a part of her religion not to disturb the religion of others. We may all adopt with profit that article of her creed. Always remove your hat on entering a church. If you attend ladies, you open the door of the slip for them, allowing them to enter first. Your demeanor should of course be such as becomes www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 105: the place and occasion. If you are so unfortunate as to have no religious feelings yourself, you must respect those of others. It is the custom in some places for gentlemen who may be already in a slip or pew to deploy into the aisle, on the arrival of a lady who may desire admittance, allow her to enter, and then resume their seats. This is a very awkward and annoying maneuver. You should pay due respect to the observances of the church you attend. If you have conscientious scruples against kneeling in an Episcopal or Catholic church, you should be a little more conscientious, and stay away. Good manners do not require young gentlemen to stand about the door of a church to see the ladies come out; and the ladies will excuse the omission of this mark of admiration. IV.--AT PLACES OF AMUSEMENT. Gentlemen who attend ladies to the opera, to concerts, to lectures, etc., should endeavor to go early in order to secure good seats, unless, indeed, they have been previously secured, and to avoid the disagreeable crowd which they are liable to encounter if they go a little later. Gentlemen _should_ take off their hats on entering _any_ public room (or dwelling either). They will, of course, do so if attending ladies, on showing them their seats. Having taken your seats, remain quietly in them, and avoid, unless absolute necessity require it, incommoding others by crowding out and in before them. If obliged to do this, politely apologize for the trouble you cause them. To talk during the performance is an act of rudeness and injustice. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 106: You thus proclaim your own ill-breeding and invade the rights of others, who have paid for the privilege of hearing the performers, and not for listening to you. If you are in attendance upon a lady at any opera, concert, or lecture, you should retain your seat at her side; but if you have no lady with you, and have taken a desirable seat, you should, if need be, cheerfully relinquish it in favor of a lady, for one less eligible. Be careful to secure your _libretto_ or opera book, concert bill or programme, before taking your seat. To the opera, ladies should wear opera hoods, which are to be taken off on entering. In this country, custom _permits_ the wearing of bonnets; but as they are (in our opinion) neither comfortable nor beautiful, we advise the ladies to dispense with their use whenever they can. Gloves should be worn by ladies in church, and in places of public amusement. Do not take them off to shake hands. Great care should be taken that they are well made and fit neatly. V.--IN A PICTURE GALLERY. A gallery of paintings or sculpture is a temple of Art, and he is little better than a barbarian who can enter it without a feeling of reverence for the presiding divinity of the place. Loud talking, laughing, pushing before others who are examining a picture or statue, moving seats noisily, or any rude or discourteous conduct, seems like profanation in such a place. Avoid them by all means, we entreat you; and though you wear your hat everywhere else, reverently remove it here. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 107: VI.--THE PRESENCE. "The mode in which respect to the presence of a human being should be shown maybe left to custom. In the East, men take off their shoes before entering an apartment. We take off the hat, and add a verbal salutation. The mode is unimportant; it may vary with the humor of the moment; it may change with the changing fashion; but no one who respects himself, and has a proper regard for others, will omit to give _some_ sign that he recognizes an essential difference between a horse and a man, between a stable and a house."[O] VII.---TRAVELING. Under no circumstances is courtesy more urgently demanded, or rudeness more frequently displayed, than in traveling. The infelicities and vexations which so often attend a journey seem to call out all the latent selfishness of one's nature; and the commonest observances of politeness are, we are sorry to say, sometimes neglected. In the scramble for tickets, for seats, for state-rooms, or for places at a public table, good manners are too frequently elbowed aside and trampled under foot. Even our national deference for women is occasionally lost sight of in our headlong rush for the railway cars or the steamer. To avoid the scramble we have alluded to, purchase tickets and secure state-rooms in advance, if practicable, especially if you are accompanied by ladies, and, in any event, _be in good time_. In the cars or stage-coach never allow considerations of personal comfort or convenience to cause you to disregard for a moment the rights of your fellow-travelers, or forget the respectful courtesy www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 108: due to woman. The pleasantest or most comfortable seats belong to the ladies, and no gentleman will refuse to resign such seats to them with a cheerful politeness. In a stage-coach you give them the back seat, unless they prefer another and take an outside seat yourself, if their convenience requires it. But a word to--_Americans_ will be enough on this point. And what do good manners require of the ladies? That which is but a little thing to the bestower, but of priceless value to the receiver--_thanks_--a smile--a grateful look at least. Is this too much? Mr. Arbiter, whom we find quoted in a newspaper, has some rather severe strictures on the conduct of American ladies. He says: "We boast of our politeness as a nation, and point out to foreigners, with pride, the alacrity with which Americans make way for women in all public places. Some love to call this chivalry. It is certainly an amiable trait of character, though frequently carried to an absurd extent. But what the men possess in this form of politeness the women appear to have lost. They never think of acknowledging, in any way, the kindness of the gentleman who gives up his seat, but settle themselves triumphantly in their new places, as if they were entitled to them by divine right." We are compelled to admit that there is at least an appearance of truth in this charge. We have had constant opportunities to observe the behavior of ladies in omnibuses and on board the crowded ferry-boats which ply between some of our large cities and their suburbs. We have, of course (as what gentleman has not?), relinquished our seats hundreds of times to ladies. _For the occasional bow or smile of acknowledgment, or_ _pleasant "Thank you," which we have received in return, we have almost invariably been indebted to some fair foreigner._ www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 109: We believe that American ladies are as polite _at heart_ as those of any other nation, but _they do not say it_. The fair readers of our little book will, we are sure, excuse us for these hints, since they are dictated by the truest and most reverent love for their sex, and a sincere desire to serve them. If in traveling you are thrown into the company of an invalid, or an aged person, or a woman with children and without a male protector, feelings of humanity, as well as sentiments of politeness, will dictate such kind attentions as, without being obtrusive, you can find occasion to bestow. You have no right to keep a window open for your accommodation, if the current of air thus produced annoy or endanger the health of another. There are a sufficient number of discomforts in traveling, at best, and it should be the aim of each passenger to lessen them as much as possible, and to cheerfully bear his own part. Life is a journey, and we are all fellow-travelers. If in riding in an omnibus, or crossing a ferry with a friend, he wishes to pay for you, never insist on paying for yourself or for both. If he is before you, let the matter pass without remark, and return the compliment on another occasion. FOOTNOTES: [M] "Colonel Lunettes" [N] For hints on the importance of politeness as an element of success in business, see "How to Do Business." www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 110: [O] James Parton. IX. LOVE AND COURTSHIP. Learn to win a lady's faith Nobly, as the thing is high; Bravely, as for life and death, With a loyal gravity. Lead her from the festive boards; Point her to the starry skies; Guard her by your truthful words Pure from courtship's flatteries.--_Mrs. Browning._ I.--A HINT OR TWO. To treat the subject of love and courtship in all its bearings would require a volume. It is with the etiquette of the tender passion that we have to do here. A few preliminary hints, however, will not be deemed out of place. Boys often fall in love (and girls too, we believe) at a very tender age. Some charming cousin, or a classmate of his sister, in the village school, weaves silken meshes around the throbbing heart of the young man in his teens. This is well. He is made better and happier by his boyish loves--for he generally has a succession of them, but they are seldom permanent. They are only beautiful foreshadowings of the deeper and more earnest love of manhood, which is to bind him to his _other self_ with ties which only death can sever. Read Ik Marvel's www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 111: "Dream Life." Before a young man has reached the proper age to marry--say twenty-five, as an average--he ought to have acquired such a knowledge of himself, physically and mentally considered, and of the principles which ought to decide the choice of matrimonial partners and govern the relations of the sexes, as will enable him to set up a proper standard of female excellence, and to determine what qualities, physical and mental, should characterize the woman who is to be the angel of his home and the mother of his children. With this knowledge he is prepared to go into society and choose his mate, following trustingly the attractions of his soul. Love is an affair of the heart, but the head should be its privy counselor. Do not make up your mind to wait till you have acquired a fortune before you marry. You should not, however, assume the responsibilities of a family without a reasonable prospect of being able to maintain one. If you are established in business, or have an adequate income for the immediate requirements of the new relation, you may safely trust your own energy and self-reliance for the rest. Women reach maturity earlier than men, and may marry earlier--say (as an average age), at twenty. The injunction, "Know thyself," applies with as much emphasis to a woman as to a man. Her perceptions are keener than ours, and her sensibilities finer, and she may trust more to _instinct_, but she should add to these natural qualifications a thorough knowledge of her own physical and mental constitution, and of whatever relates to the requirements of her destiny as wife and mother. The importance of sound _health_ and _a perfect development_, can not be overrated. _Without these you are_ NEVER _fit to marry_.[P] Having satisfied yourself that you really love a woman--be careful, as you value your future happiness and hers, not to make a _mistake_ in this matter--you will find occasion to manifest, in a thousand ways, www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 112: your preference, by means of those tender but delicate and deferential attentions which love always prompts. "Let the heart speak." The heart you address will understand its language. Be earnest, sincere, self-loyal, and manly in this matter above all others. Let there be no nauseous flattery and no sickly sentimentality Leave the former to fops and the latter to beardless school-boys. Though women do not "propose"--that is, as a general rule--they "make love" to the men none the less; and it is right. The divine attraction is mutual, and should have its proper expression on both sides. If you are attracted toward a man who seems to you an embodiment of all that is noble and manly, you do injustice both to him and yourself if you do not, in some way entirely consistent with maiden modesty, allow him to _see_ and _feel_ that he pleases you. But _you_ do not need our instructions, and we will only hint, in conclusion, that forwardness, flirting, and a too _obtrusive_ manifestation of preference are _not_ agreeable to men of sense. As a man should be _manly_, so should a woman be _womanly_ in her love. II.--OBSERVANCES. 1. _Particular Attentions._ Avoid even the slightest appearance of _trifling_ with the feelings of a woman. A female coquette is bad enough. A male coquette ought to be banished from society. Let there be a clearly perceived, if not an easily defined, distinction between the attentions of common courtesy or of friendship and those of love. All misunderstanding on this point can and must be avoided. The particular attentions you pay to the object of your devotion should not make you rude or uncivil to other women. Every woman is www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 113: _her_ sister, and should be treated with becoming respect and attention. Your special attentions to her in society should not be such as to make her or you the subject of ridicule. Make no public exhibition of your endearments. 2. _Presents._ If you make presents, let them be selected with good taste, and of such cost as is fully warranted by your means. Your mistress will not love you better for any extravagance in this matter. The value of a gift is not to be estimated in dollars and cents. A lady of good sense and delicacy will discourage in her lover all needless expenditure in ministering to her gratification, or in proof of his devotion. 3. _Confidants._ Lovers usually feel a certain need of confidants in their affairs of the heart. In general, they should be of the opposite sex. A young man may with profit open his heart to his mother, an elder sister, or a female friend considerably older than himself. The young lady may with equal advantage make a brother, an uncle, or some good middle-aged married man the repository of her love secrets, her hopes, and her fears. 4. _Declarations._ We shall make no attempt to prescribe a form for "popping the question." Each must do it in his own way; but let it be clearly understood and admit no evasion. A single word--yes, less than that, on the lady's part, will suffice to answer it. If the carefully studied phrases which you have repeated so many times and so fluently www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 114: to yourself, will persist in sticking in your throat and choking you, put them correctly and neatly on a sheet of the finest white note paper, inclosed in a fine but plain white envelope (see "How to Write"), seal it handsomely with _wax_, address and direct it carefully, and find some way to convey it to her hand. The lady's answer should be frank and unequivocal, revealing briefly and modestly her real feelings and consequent decision. 5. _Asking "Pa."_ Asking the consent of parents or guardians is, in this country, where women claim a right to choose for themselves, a mere form, and may often be dispensed with. The lady's wishes, however, should be complied with in this as in all other matters. And if consent is refused? This will rarely happen. If it does, there is a remedy, and we should have a poor opinion of the love or the spirit of the woman who would hesitate to apply it. If she is of age, she has a legal as well as a moral right to bestow her love and her hand upon whom she pleases. If she does not love you well enough to do this, _at any sacrifice_, you should consider the refusal of her friends a very fortunate occurrence. If she is not of age, the legal aspect of the affair may be different, but, at worst, she can wait until her majority puts her in possession of all her rights. 6. _Refusals._ If a lady finds it necessary to say "no" to a proposal, she should do it in the kindest and most considerate manner, so as not to inflict unnecessary pain; but her answer should be definite and decisive, and the gentleman should at once withdraw his suit. If ladies will my "no" when they mean "yes," to a sincere and earnest suitor, they must suffer the consequences. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 115: 7. _Engagement._ The "engaged" need not take particular pains to proclaim the nature of the relation in which they stand to each other, neither should they attempt or desire to conceal it. Their intercourse with each other should be frank and confiding, but prudent, and their conduct in reference to other persons of the opposite sex, such as will not give occasion for a single pang of jealousy. Of the "getting ready," which follows the engagement, on the part of the lady, our fair readers know a great deal more than we could tell them. 8. _Breaking Off._ Engagements made in accordance with the simple and brief directions contained in the first section of this chapter, will seldom be broken off. If such a painful _necessity_ occurs, let it be met with firmness, but with delicacy. If you have made a _mistake_, it is infinitely better to correct it at the last moment than not at all. A _marriage_ is not so easily "broken off." On breaking off an engagement, all letters, presents, etc., should be returned, and both parties should consider themselves pledged to the most honorable and delicate conduct in reference to the whole matter, and to the private affairs of each other, a knowledge of which their former relation may have put into their possession. 9. _Marriage._ www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 116: It devolves upon the lady to fix the day. She will hardly disregard the stereotyped request of the impatient lover to make it an "early" one; but she knows best how soon the never-to-be-neglected "preparations" can be made. For the wedding ceremonies see Chapter VII. A few hints to husbands and wives may be found in Chapter V. FOOTNOTE: [P] See "Physical Perfection; or How to Acquire and Retain Beauty, Grace, and Strength," now (1857) in the course of preparation. X. PARLIAMENTARY ETIQUETTE. The object of a meeting for deliberation is, of course, to obtain a free expression of opinion and a fair decision of the questions discussed. Without rules of order this object would, in most cases, be utterly defeated; for there would be no uniformity in the modes of proceeding, no restraint upon indecorous or disorderly conduct, no protection to the rights and privileges of members, no guarantee against the caprices and usurpations of the presiding officer, no safeguard against tyrannical majorities, nor any suitable regard to the rights of the minority.--_McElligott._ I.--COURTESY IN DEBATE. The fundamental principles of courtesy, so strenuously insisted upon www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 117: throughout this work, must be rigorously observed in the debating society, lyceum, legislative assembly, and wherever questions are publicly debated. In fact, we have not yet discovered _any_ occasion on which a gentleman is justified in being anything less than--a gentleman. In a paragraph appended to the constitution and by-laws of a New York debating club, members are enjoined to treat each other with delicacy and respect, conduct all discussions with candor, moderation, and open generosity, avoid all personal allusions and sarcastic language calculated to wound the feelings of a brother, and cherish concord and good fellowship. The spirit of this injunction should pervade the heart of every man who attempts to take part in the proceedings of any deliberative assembly. II.--ORIGIN OF THE PARLIAMENTARY CODE. The rules of order of our State Legislatures, and of other less important deliberative bodies, are, in almost all fundamental points, the same as those of the National Congress, which, again, are derived, in the main, from those of the British Parliament, the differences which exist growing out of differences in government and institutions. It is in allusion to its origin that the code of rules and regulations thus generally adopted is often called "The Common Code of Parliamentary Law." III.--RULES OF ORDER. 1. _Motions._ A deliberative body being duly organized, motions are in order. The www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 118: party moving a resolution, or making a motion in its simplest form, introduces it either with or without remarks, by saying: "Mr. President, I beg leave to offer the following resolution," or "I move that," etc. A motion is not debatable till seconded. The member seconding simply says: "I second that motion." The resolution or motion is then stated by the chairman, and is open for debate. 2. _Speaking._ A member wishing to speak on a question, resolution, or motion, must rise in his place and respectfully address his remarks to the chairman or president, _confining himself to the question, and avoiding personality_. Should more than one member rise at the same time, the chairman must decide which is entitled to the floor. No member must speak more than once till every member wishing to speak shall have spoken. In debating societies (and it is for their benefit that we make this abstract) it is necessary to define not only how many times, but how long at each time a member may speak on a question. 3. _Submitting a Question._ When the debate or deliberation upon a subject appears to be at a close, the presiding officer simply asks, "Is the society [assembly, or whatever the body may be] ready for the question?" or, "Are you ready for the question?" If no one signifies a desire further to discuss or consider the subject, he then submits the question in due form. 4. _Voting._ The voting is generally by "ayes and noes," and the answers on both www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 119: sides being duly given, the presiding officer announces the result, saying, "The ayes have it," or, "The noes have it," according as he finds one side or the other in the majority. If there is a doubt in his mind which side has the larger number, he says, "The ayes _appear_ to have it," or, "The noes _appear_ to have it," as the case may be. If there is no dissent, he adds, "The ayes _have_ it," or, "The noes _have_ it." But should the president be unable to decide, or if his decision be questioned, and a division of the house be called for, it is his duty immediately to divide or arrange the assembly as to allow the votes on each side to be accurately counted; and if the members are equally divided, the president must give the casting vote. It is the duty of every member to vote; but in some deliberative bodies a member may be excused at his own request. Sometimes it is deemed advisable to record the names of members in connection with the votes they give, in which case the roll is called by the secretary, and each answers "yes" or "no," which is noted or marked opposite his name. 5. _A Quorum._ A quorum is such a number of members as may be required, by rule or statute, to be present at a meeting in order to render its transactions valid or legal. 6. _The Democratic Principle._ All questions, unless their decision be otherwise fixed by law, are determined by a majority of votes. 7. _Privileged Questions._ There are certain motions which are allowed to supersede a question www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 120: already under debate. These are called privileged questions. The following are the usually recognized privileged questions: 1. _Adjournment._--A motion to adjourn is always in order, and takes precedence of all others; but it must not be entertained while a member is speaking, unless he give way for that purpose, nor while a vote is in progress. It is not debatable, and can not be amended. 2. _To Lie on the Table._--A motion to lay a subject on the table--that is, to set it aside till it is the pleasure of the body to resume its consideration--generally takes precedence of all others, except the motion to adjourn. It can neither be debated nor amended. 3. _The Previous Question._--The intention of the previous question is to arrest discussion and test at once the sense of the meeting. Its form is, "Shall the main question now be put?" It is not debatable, and can not be amended. An affirmative decision precludes all further debate on the main question. The effect of a negative decision, _unless otherwise determined by a special rule_, is to leave the main question and all amendments just as it found them. 4. _Postponement._--A motion to postpone the consideration of a question indefinitely, which is equivalent to setting it aside altogether, may be amended by inserting a certain day. It is not debatable. 5. _Commitment._--A motion to commit is made when a question, otherwise admissible, is presented in an objectionable or inconvenient form. If there be no standing committee to which it can be properly submitted, a select committee may be raised for the purpose. It may be amended. 6. _Amendment._--The legitimate use of a motion to amend is to correct or improve the original motion or resolution; but a motion properly www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 121: before an assembly may be altered in _any_ way; even so as to turn it entirely from its original purpose, unless some rule or law shall exist to prevent this subversion. An amendment may be amended, but here the process must cease. An amendment must of course be put to vote before the original question. A motion to amend holds the same rank as the previous question and indefinite postponement, and that which is moved first must be put first. It may be superseded, however, by a motion to postpone to a certain day, or a motion to commit. 7. _Orders of the Day._--Subjects appointed for a specified time are called orders of the day, and a motion for them takes precedence of all other business, except a motion to adjourn, or a question of privilege. 8. _Questions of Privilege._--These are questions which involve the rights and privileges of individual members, or of the society or assembly collectively. They take precedence over all other propositions, except a motion to adjourn. 9. _Questions of Order._--In case of any breach of the rules of the society or body, any member may rise to the point of order, and insist upon its due enforcement; but in case of a difference of opinion whether a rule has been violated or not, the question must be determined before the application of the rule can be insisted upon. Such a question is usually decided upon by the presiding officer, without debate; but any member may appeal from his decision, and demand a vote of the house on the matter. A question of order is debatable, and the presiding officer, contrary to rule in other cases, may participate in the discussion. 10. _Reading of Papers._--When papers or documents of any kind are laid before a deliberative assembly, every member has a right to have them read before he can be required to vote upon them. They are generally read by the secretary, on the reading being called for, www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 122: without the formality of a vote. 11. _Withdrawal of a Motion._--Unless there be a rule to that effect, a motion once before the assembly can not be withdrawn without a vote of the house, on a motion to allow its withdrawal. 12. _The Suspension of Rules._--When anything is proposed which is forbidden by a special rule, it must be preceded by a motion for the suspension of the rule, which, if there be no standing rule to the contrary, may be carried by a majority of votes; but most deliberative bodies have an established rule on this subject, requiring a fixed proportion of the votes--usually two thirds. 13. _The Motion to Reconsider._--The intention of this is to enable an assembly to revise a decision found to be erroneous. The time within which a motion to reconsider may be entertained is generally fixed by a special rule; and the general rule is, that it must emanate from some member who voted with the majority. In Congress, a motion to reconsider takes precedence of all other motions, except the motion to adjourn. 8. _Order of Business._ In all permanently organized bodies there should be an order of business, established by a special rule or by-law; but where no such rule or law exists, the president, unless otherwise directed by a vote of the assembly, arranges the business in such order as he may think most desirable. The following is the order of business of the New York Debating Club, referred to in a previous section. It may be easily so modified as to be suitable for any similar society: 1. Call to order. 2. Calling the roll. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 123: 3. Reading the minutes of previous meeting. 4. Propositions for membership. 5. Reports of special committee. 6. Balloting for candidates. 7. Reports of standing committee. 8. Secretary's report. 9. Treasurer's report. 10. Reading for the evening. 11. Recitations for the evening. 12. Candidates initiated. 13. Unfinished business. 14. Debate. 15. New business. 16. Adjournment. 9. _Order of Debate._ 1. A member having got the floor, is entitled to be heard to the end, or till the time fixed by rule has expired; and all interruptions, except a call to order, are not only out of order, but rude in the extreme. 2. A member who temporarily yields the floor to another, is generally permitted to resume as soon as the interruption ceases, but he can not claim to do so as a right. 3. It is neither in order nor in good taste to designate members by name in debate, and they must in no case be directly addressed. Such forms as, "The gentleman who has just taken his seat," or, "The member on the other side of the house," etc., may be made use of to designate persons. 4. Every speaker is bound to confine himself to the question. This www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 124: rule is, however, very liberally interpreted in most deliberative assemblies. 5. Every speaker is bound to avoid personalities, and to exercise in all respects a courteous and gentlemanly deportment. Principles and measures are to be discussed, and not the motives or character of those who advocate them.[Q] FOOTNOTE: [Q] The foregoing rules of order have been mainly condensed from that excellent work, "The American Debater," by James N. McElligott, LL.D., to which the reader is referred for a complete exposition of the whole subject of debating. Published by Ivison and Phinney, New York, and for sale by Fowler and Wells. XI. MISCELLANEOUS MATTERS. These, some will say, are little things. It is true, they are little but it is equally clear that they are necessary things.--_Chesterfield._ I.--REPUBLICAN DISTINCTIONS. We have defined equality in another place. We fully accept the doctrine as there set forth. We have no respect for mere conventional and arbitrary distinctions. Hereditary titles command no deference from us. Lords and dukes are entitled to no respect simply because www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 125: they are lords and dukes. If they are really _noble men_, we honor them accordingly. Their titles are mere social fictions. True republicanism requires that every man shall have an equal chance--that every man shall be free to become as unequal as he can. No man should be valued the less or the more on account of his grandfather, his position, his possessions, or his occupation. The MAN should be superior to the accidents of his birth, and should take that rank which is due to his merit.[R] The error committed by our professedly republican communities consists, not in the recognition of classes and grades of rank, but in placing them, as they too often do, on artificial and not on natural grounds. We have had frequent occasion, in the preceding pages, to speak of superiors and inferiors. We fully recognize the relation which these words indicate. It is useless to quarrel with Nature, who has nowhere in the universe given us an example of the absolute, unqualified, dead-level equality which some pseudo-reformers have vainly endeavored to institute among men. Such leveling is neither possible nor desirable. Harmony is born of difference, and not of sameness. We have in our country a class of toad-eaters who delight in paying the most obsequious homage to fictitious rank of every kind. A vulgar millionaire of the Fifth Avenue, and a foreign adventurer with a meaningless title, are equally objects of their misplaced deference. Losing sight of their own manhood and self-respect, they descend to the most degrading sycophancy. We have little hope of benefiting them. They are "joined to their idols; let them alone." But a much larger class of our people are inclined to go to the opposite extreme, and ignore veneration, in its human aspect, altogether. They have no reverence for anybody or anything. This class of people will read our book, and, we trust, profit by its well-meant www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 126: hints. We respect them, though we can not always commend their manners. They have independence and manliness, but fail to accord due respect to the manhood of others. It is for their special benefit that we leave touched with considerable emphasis on the deference due to age and _genuine_ rank, from whatever source derived. Your townsman, Mr. Dollarmark, has no claim on you for any special token of respect, simply because he inherited half a million, which has grown in his hands to a million and a half, while you can not count half a thousand, or because he lives in his own palatial mansion, and you in a hired cottage; but your neighbor, Mr. Anvil, who, setting out in life, like yourself, without a penny, has amassed a little fortune by his own unaided exertions, and secured a high social position by his manliness, integrity, and good breeding, is entitled to a certain deference on your part--a recognition of his merits and his superiority. Mr. Savant, who has gained distinction for himself and conferred honor on his country by his scientific discoveries, and your aged friend Mr. Goodman, who, though a stranger to both wealth and fame, is drawing toward the close of a long and useful life, during which he has helped to build up and give character to the place in which he lives, have, each in his own way, _earned_ the right to some token of deference from those who have not yet reached an equally elevated position. It is not for birth, or wealth, or occupation, or any other accidental circumstance, that we ask reverence, but for _inherent nobility wrought out in life_. This is what should give men rank and titles in a republic. Your hired man, Patrick, may be your inferior, but it is not because he is your hired man. Another man, who is your _superior_ in every way, may stand in the same business relation to you. He may sell you certain stipulated services for a stipulated amount of money; but you bargain for no deference that your real social position and character www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 127: do not call for from him. He, and not you, may be entitled to the "wall side," and to precedence everywhere. II.--CITY AND COUNTRY. The words _civil_ and _civilized_ are derived from the Latin _civitas_ (Ital., _citta_), a city, and _polite_, from the Greek [Greek: polis] (_polis_), a city; because cities are the first to become civilized, or _civil_, and polite, or _polished_ (Latin, _polire_). They are still, as a general rule, the home of the most highly cultivated people, as well as of the rudest and most degraded, and unquestioned arbiters of fashion and social observances. For this reason the rules of etiquette laid down in this and all other works on the subject of manners, are calculated, as the astronomers say, for the meridian of the city. The observances of the country are borrowed from the city, and modified to suit the social condition and wants of the different localities. This must always be borne in mind, and your behavior regulated accordingly. The white or pale yellow gloves, which you must wear during the whole evening at a fashionable evening party in the city, under pain of being set down as unbearably vulgar, would be very absurd appendages at a social gathering at a farm-house in the country. None but a _snob_ would wear them at such a place. So with other things. III.--IMPORTED MANNERS. N. P. Willis says, "We should be glad to see a distinctly American school of good manners, in which all useless etiquette were thrown aside, but every politeness adopted or invented which could promote sensible and easy exchanges of good-will and sociability. Good sense and consideration for others should be the basis of every usage of polite life that is worth regarding. Indeed, we have long thought that www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 128: our country was old enough to adopt measures and etiquettes of its own, based, like all other politeness, upon benevolence and common sense. To get rid of imported etiquette is the first thing to do for American politeness." This is an important truth well stated. We have had enough of mere imported conventionalism in manners. Our usages should not be English or French usages, further than English and French usages are founded on universal principles. Politeness is the same everywhere and always, but the forms of etiquette must change with times and places; for an observance which may be proper and useful in London or Paris, may be abundantly absurd in New York. IV.--FICTITIOUS TITLES. In answer to a correspondent who inquires whether an American citizen should address a European nobleman by his title, _Life Illustrated_ says: "We answer, unhesitatingly, No. Most of the European titles are purely fictitious, as well as ridiculous. The Duke of Northumberland, for example, has nothing in particular to do with Northumberland, nor does he exercise dukeship (or leadership) over anything except his private estate. The title is a perfect absurdity; it means nothing whatever; it is a mere nickname; and Mr. Percy is a fool for permitting himself to be addressed as 'My Lord Duke,' and 'Your Grace.' Indeed, even in England, gentlemen use those titles very sparingly, and servants alone habitually employ then. American citizens who are thrown, in their travels, or in their intercourse with society, into communication with persons bearing titles, may treat them with all due respect without Gracing or My-Lording them. In our opinion, they should do so. And we have faith enough in the good sense of the English people to believe that the next generation, or the next but one, will see a general www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 129: abandonment of fictitious titles by the voluntary action of the very people who hold them. At the same time, we are inclined to think that the bestowment of real titles--titles which mean something, titles given in recognition of distinguished worth and eminent services, titles not hereditary--will be one of the most cherished prerogatives of the enlightened states of the good time coming. The first step, however, must be the total abolition of all titles which are fictitious and hereditary." V.--A MIRROR FOR CERTAIN MEN. The following rather broad hints to certain bipeds who _ought_ to be gentlemen, were clipped from some newspaper. We are sorry we do not know to whom to credit the article: "Who can tell why women are expected, on pain of censure and avoidance, to conform to a high standard of behavior, while men are indulged in another a great deal lower? We never could fully understand why men should be tolerated in the chewing of tobacco, in smoking and in spitting everywhere almost, and at all times, whereas a woman can not do any of these things without exciting aversion and disgust. Why ought a man to be allowedly so self-indulgent, putting his limbs and person in all manner of attitudes, however uncouth and distasteful, merely because such vulgarities yield him temporary eases, while a woman is always required to preserve an attitude, if not of positive grace, at least of decency and propriety, from which if she departs, though but for an instant, she forfeits respect, and is instantly branded as a low creature! "Can any one say why a man when he has the tooth-ache, or is called to suffer in any other way, should be permitted, as a matter of course, to groan and bellow, and vent his feelings very much in the style of an animal not endowed with reason, while a woman similarly suffering www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 130: must bear it in silence and decorum? Why, should men, as a class, habitually, and as a matter of right, boldly wear the coarsest qualities of human nature on the outside, and swear and fight, and beastify themselves, so that they are obliged to be put into separate pens in the cars on railroads, and at the depots, while woman must appear with an agreeable countenance, if not in smiles, even when the head, or perhaps the heart, aches, and are expected to permit nothing ill-tempered, disagreeable, or even unhappy to appear outwardly, but to keep all these concealed in their own bosoms to suffer as they may, lest they might otherwise lessen the cheerfulness of others? "These are a few suggestions only among many we would hint to the stronger and more exciting sex to be reflected on for the improvement of their tastes and manners. In the mirror thus held up before them, they can not avoid observing the very different standards by which the behavior of the two sexes is constantly regulated. If any reason can be assigned why one should always be a lady, and the other hardly ever a gentleman, we hope it will be done." VI.--WASHINGTON'S CODE OF MANNERS. Every action ought to be with some sign of respect to those present. Be no flatterer; neither play with any one who delights not to be played with. Read no paper or book in company. Come not near the papers or books of another when he is writing. Let your countenance be cheerful; but in serious matters be grave. Let your discourse with others, on matters of business, be short. It is good manners to let others speak first. When a man does all he can, do not blame him, though he succeeds not well. Take admonitions thankfully. Be not too hasty to receive lying reports to the injury of another. Let your dress be modest, and consult your condition. _Play not the peacock by looking vainly at yourself._ It is better to be alone than in bad company. Let your conversation be without malice or envy. Urge not www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 131: your friend to discover a secret. Break not a jest where none take pleasure in mirth. Gaze not on the blemishes of others. When another speaks, be attentive. VII.--MARKED PASSAGES. On turning over the leaves of the various works on etiquette which we have had occasion to consult in the preparation of this little manual, we have marked with our pencil a large number of passages which seemed to us to embody important facts or thoughts, with the hope of being able to weave them into our work, each in its appropriate place. Some of them we have made use of according to our original intention; a few others not elsewhere used, we purpose to throw together here without any attempt at classification. 1. _Our Social Uniform._ The universal partiality of our countrymen for _black_, as the color of dress clothes, at least, is frequently remarked upon by foreigners. Among the best dressed men on the Continent, as well as in England, black, through not confined to the clergy, is in much less general use than here. They adopt the darker shades of blue, brown, and green, and for undress almost as great diversity of colors as of fabrics. 2. _A Hint to the Ladies._ Don't make your rooms gloomy. Furnish them for light and let them have it. Daylight is very cheap, and candle or gas light you need not use often. If your rooms are dark, all the effect of furniture, pictures, walls, and carpets is lost. Finally, if you have beautiful things, make them useful. The fashion of having a nice parlor, and then www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 132: shutting it up all but three or four days in the year, when you have company; spending your own life in a mean room, shabbily furnished, or an unhealthy basement, to save your things, is the meanest possible economy. Go a little further--shut up your house, and live in a pig-pen! The use of nice and beautiful things is to act upon your spirit--to educate you and make you beautiful. 3. _Another._ Don't put your cards around the looking-glass, unless in your private boudoir. If you wish to display them, keep them in a suitable basket or vase on the mantle or center-table. 4. _An Obliging Disposition._ Polite persons are necessarily obliging. A smile is always on their lips, an earnestness in their countenance, when we ask a favor of them. They know that to render a service with a bad grace, is in reality not to render it at all. If they are obliged to refuse a favor, they do it with mildness and delicacy; they express such feeling regret that they still inspire us with gratitude; in short, their conduct appears so perfectly natural that it really seems that the opportunity which is offered them of obliging us, is obliging themselves; and they refuse all our thanks, without affectation or effort. 5. _Securing a Home._ Let me, as a somewhat scrutinizing observer of the varying phases of social life, in our own country especially, enter my earnest protest against the practice so commonly adopted by newly-married persons, of www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 133: _boarding_, in place of at once establishing for themselves the distinctive and ennobling prerogatives of HOME. Language and time would alike fail me in an endeavor to set forth the manifold evils inevitably growing out of this fashionable system. Take the advice of an old man, who has tested theories by prolonged experience, and at once establish your PENATES within four walls, and under a roof that will, at times, exclude all who are not properly denizens of your household, upon assuming the rights and obligations of married life. Do not be deterred from this step by the conviction that you can not shrine your home deities upon pedestals of marble. _Cover their bases with flowers_--God's free gift to all--and the plainest support will suffice for them if it be but _firm_. 6. _Taste vs. Fashion._ A lady should never, on account of economy, wear either what she deems an ugly or an ungraceful garment; such garments never put her at her ease, and are neglected and cast aside long before they have done her their true service. We are careful only of those things which suit us, and which we believe adorn us, and the mere fact of believing that we look well, goes a great way toward making us do so. Fashion should be sacrificed to taste, or, at best, followed at a distance; it does not do to be _entirely out_, nor _completely in_, what is called "fashion," many things being embraced under that term which are frivolous, unmeaning, and sometimes meretricious. 7. _Special Claims._ There are persons to whom a lady or gentleman should be especially polite. All elderly persons, the unattractive, the poor, and those whose dependent positions may cause them to fear neglect. The gentleman who offers his arm or gives his time to an old lady, or asks www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 134: a very plain one to dance, or attends one who is poorly dressed, never looses in others' estimation or his own. 8. _Propriety of Deportment._ Propriety of deportment is the valuable result of a knowledge of one's self, and of respect for the rights of others; it is a feeling of the sacrifices which are imposed on self-esteem by our social relations; it is, in short, a sacred requirement of harmony and affection. 9. _False Pride._ False pride and false dignity are very mean qualities. A true gentleman will do anything proper for him to do. He can soil his hands or use his muscles when there is occasion. The truest gentleman is more likely to carry home a market-basket, or a parcel, or to wheel a barrow through Broadway, than many a conceited little snob of a shop-boy. 10. _The Awkwardness of being "Dressed."_ When dressed for company, strive to appear as easy and natural as if you were in undress. Nothing is more distressing to a sensitive person, or more ridiculous to one gifted with an _esprit moquer_ [a disposition to "make fun"], than to see a lady laboring under the consciousness of a fine gown; or a gentleman who is stiff, awkward, and ungainly in a brand-new coat. FOOTNOTE: www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 135: [R] _Life Illustrated._ XII. MAXIMS FROM CHESTERFIELD. The pages of the "Noble Oracle" are replete with sound advice, which all may receive with profit. Genuine politeness is the same always and everywhere.--_Madame Bienceance._ 1. _Cheerfulness and Good Humor._ It is a wonderful thing that so many persons, putting in claims to good breeding, should think of carrying their spleen into company, and entertaining those with whom they converse with a history of their pains, head-aches, and ill-treatment. This is, of all others, the meanest help to social happiness; and a man must have a very mean opinion of himself, who, on having detailed his grievances, is accosted by asking the news. Mutual good-humor is a dress in which we ought to appear, whenever we meet; and we ought to make no mention of ourselves, unless it be in matters wherein our friends ought to rejoice. There is no real life but cheerful life; therefore valetudinarians should be sworn before they enter into company not to say a word of themselves until the meeting breaks up. 2. _The Art of Pleasing._ The art of pleasing is a very necessary one to possess, but a very difficult one to acquire. It can hardly be reduced to rules; and your www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 136: own good sense and observation will teach you more of it than I can. Do as you would be done by, is the surest method that I know of pleasing. Observe carefully what pleases you in others, and probably the same things in you will please others. If you are pleased with the complaisance and attention of others to you, depend upon it the same complaisance and attention, on your part, will equally please them. Take the tone of the company you are in, and do not pretend to give it; be serious or gay, as you find the present humor of the company. This is an attention due from every individual to the majority. 3. _Adaptation of Manners._ Ceremony resembles that base coin which circulates through a country by the royal mandate. It serves every purpose of real money at home, but is entirely useless if carried abroad. A person who should attempt to circulate his native trash in another country would be thought either ridiculous or culpable. He is truly well-bred who knows when to value and when to despise those national peculiarities which are regarded by some with so much observance. A traveler of taste at once perceives that the wise are polite all the world over, but that fools are polite only at home. 4. _Bad Habits._ Keep yourself free from strange tricks or habits, such as thrusting on your tongue, continually snapping your fingers, rubbing your hands, sighing aloud, gaping with a noise like a country fellow that has been sleeping in a hay-loft, or indeed with any noise; and many others that I have noticed before. These are imitations of the manners of the mob, and are degrading to a gentleman. It is rude and vulgar to lean your head back and destroy the appearance of fine papered walls. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 137: 5. _Do what You are About._ _Hoc age_ was a maxim among the Romans, which means, "Do what you are about, and do that only." A little mind is hurried by twenty things at once; but a man of sense does but one thing at a time, and resolves to excel in it; for whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well. Therefore, remember to give yourself up entirely to the thing you are doing, be it what it may, whether your book or your play; for if you have a right ambition, you will desire to excel all boys of your age, at cricket, at trap-ball, as well as in learning. 6. _People who never Learn._ There have been people who have frequented the first companies all their lifetime, and yet have never divested themselves of their natural stiffness and awkwardness; but have continued as vulgar as if they were never out of a servants' hall. This has been owing to carelessness, and a want of attention to the manners and behavior of others. 7. _Conformity to Local Manners._ Civility, which is a disposition to accommodate and oblige others, is essentially the same in every country; but good-breeding, as it is called, which is the manner of exerting that disposition, is different in almost every country, and merely local; and every man of sense imitates and conforms to that local good-breeding or the place which he is at. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 138: 8. _How to Confer Favors._ The greatest favors may be done so awkwardly and bunglingly as to offend; and disagreeable things may be done so agreeably as almost to oblige. Endeavor to acquire this great secret. It exists, it is to be found, and is worth a great deal more than the grand secret of the alchymists would be, if it were, as it is not, to be found. 9. _Fitness._ One of the most important points of life is decency, which means doing what is proper, and where it is proper; for many things are proper at one time, and in one place, that are extremely improper in another. Read men, therefore, yourself, not in books, but in nature. Adopt no systems, but study them yourself. 10. _How to Refuse._ A polite manner of refusing to comply with the solicitations of a company is also very necessary to be learned; for a young man who seems to have no will of his own, but does everything that is asked of him, may be a very good-natured, but he is a very silly, fellow. 11. _Civility to Women._ Civility is particularly due to all women; and remember that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not being civil to every woman; and the greatest man in the world would be justly reckoned a brute, if he were not civil to the meanest woman. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 139: 12. _Spirit._ Spirit is now a very fashionable word. To act with spirit, to speak with spirit, means only to act rashly, and to talk indiscreetly. An able man shows his spirit by gentle words and resolute actions; he is neither hot nor timid. XIII. ILLUSTRATIVE ANECDOTES. It is well to combine amusement with instruction, whether you write for young or old.--_Anonymous._ I.--ELDER BLUNT AND SISTER SCRUB. The house of the excellent Squire Scrub was the itinerant's home; and a right sweet, pleasant home it would have been but for a certain unfortunate weakness of the every other way _excellent_ Sister Scrub. The weakness I allude to was, or at least it was suspected to be, _the love of praise_. Now the good sister was really worthy of high praise, and she often received it; but she had a way of disparaging herself and her performances which some people thought was intended to invite praise. No housewife kept her floors looking so clean and her walls so well whitewashed as she. Every board was scrubbed and scoured till further scrubbing and scouring would have been labor wasted. No one could look on her white ash floor and not admire the polish her industry gave it. The "Squire" was a good provider, and Sister Scrub was an excellent cook; and so their table groaned under a burden of www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 140: good things on all occasions when good cheer was demanded. And yet you could never enter the house and sit half an hour without being reminded that "Husband held Court yesterday, and she couldn't keep the house decent." If you sat down to eat with them, she was sorry she "hadn't anything fit to eat." She had been scrubbing, or washing, or ironing, or she had been half sick, and she hadn't got such and such things that she ought to have. Nor did it matter how bountiful or how well prepared the repast really was, there was always _something_ deficient, the want of which furnished a text for a disparaging discourse on the occasion. I remember once that we sat down to a table that a king might have been happy to enjoy. There was the light snow-white bread; there were the potatoes reeking in butter; there were chickens swimming in gravy; there were the onions and the turnips, and I was sure Sister Scrub had gratified her ambition for once. We sat down, and a blessing was asked; instantly the good sister began; she was afraid her coffee was too much burned, or that the water had been smoked, or that she hadn't roasted the chicken enough. There ought to have been some salad, and it was too bad that there was nothing nice to offer us. We, of course, endured those unjustifiable apologies as well as the could, simply remarking that everything was really nice, and proving by our acts that the repast was tempting to our appetites. I will now introduce another actor to the reader--Elder Blunt, the circuit preacher. Elder Blunt was a good man. His religion was of the most genuine, experimental kind. He was a _very_ plain man. He, like Mr. Wesley, would no more dare to preach a _fine_ sermon than wear a fine coat. He was celebrated for his common-sense way of exhibiting the principles of religion. He _would_ speak just what he thought, and as he felt. He somehow got the name of being an eccentric preacher, as every man, I believe, does who _never_ prevaricates, and always acts and speaks as he thinks. Somehow or other, Elder Blunt had heard of Sister Scrub, and that infirmity of hers, and he resolved to cure www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 141: her. On his first round he stopped at "Squire Scrub's," as all other itinerants had done before him. John, the young man, took the elder's horse and put him in the stable, and the preacher entered the house. He was shown into the best room, and soon felt very much at home. He expected to hear something in due time disparaging the domestic arrangements, but he heard it sooner than he expected. This time, if Sister Scrub could be credited, her house was all upside down; it wasn't fit to stay in, and she was sadly mortified to be caught in such a plight. The elder looked all around the room, as if to observe the terrible disorder, but he said not a word. By-and-by the dinner was ready, and the elder sat down with the family to a well spread table. Here, again, Sister Scrub found everything faulty; the coffee wasn't fit to drink, and she hadn't anything fit to eat. The elder lifted his dark eye to her face; for a moment he seemed to penetrate her very soul with his austere gaze; then slowly rising from the table, he said, "Brother Scrub, I want my horse immediately; I must leave!" "Why, Brother Blunt, what is the matter?" "Matter? Why, sir, your house isn't fit to stay in, and you haven't anything fit to eat or drink, and I won't stay." Both the "Squire" and his lady were confounded. This was a piece of eccentricity entirely unlooked for. They were stupefied. But the elder was gone. He wouldn't stay in a house not fit to stay in, and where there wasn't anything fit to eat and drink. Poor Sister Scrub! She wept like a child at her folly. She "knew it would be all over town," she said, "and everybody would be laughing at her." And then, how should she meet the blunt, honest elder again? "She hadn't meant anything by what she had said." Ah! she never thought how wicked it was to say _so much_ that didn't mean anything. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 142: The upshot of the whole matter was, that Sister Scrub "saw herself as others saw her." She ceased making apologies, and became a wiser and better Christian. Elder Blunt always puts up there, always finds everything as it should be, and, with all his eccentricities, is thought by the family the most agreeable, as he is acknowledged by everybody to be the most consistent, of men.--_Rev. J. V. Watson._ II.--THE PRESENCE. Mr. Johnson, an English traveler, relates, in his notes on North America, the following story: "At Boston," he says, "I was told of a gentleman in the neighborhood who, having a farm servant, found him very satisfactory in every respect, except that he invariably came into his employer's room with his hat on. "'John,' said he to the man one day, 'you always keep your hat on when you come into the room.' "'Well, sir,' said John, 'and haven't I a right to?' "'Yes,' was his employer's reply, 'I suppose you have.' "'Well,' said John, 'if I have a right to, why shouldn't I?' "This was a poser from one man to another, where all have equal rights. So, after a moment's reflection the gentleman asked: "'Now, John, what will you take, how much more wages will you ask, to take off your hat whenever you come in?' "'Well, that requires consideration, I guess,' said the man. www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 143: "'Take the thing into consideration, then,' rejoined the employer, 'and let me know to-morrow morning.' "The morrow comes, and John appears. "'Well, John, have you considered what additional wages you are to have for taking your hat off?' "'Well, sir, I guess it's worth a dollar a month.' "'It's settled, then, John; you shall have another dollar a month.' "So the gentleman retained a good man, while John's hat was always in his hand when he entered the house." This story, to one who knows New England, is not altogether incredible. Toward the democratization of this country, yet most incomplete, it will perhaps be one day conceded that the South has contributed ideas, and New England sentiment; while the Great West will have made a partial application of both to the conduct of life. The Yankees are the kindest and the acutest of our people, and the most ungraceful. Nowhere in the world is there so much good feeling, combined with so much rudeness of manner, as in New England. The South, colonized by Cavaliers, retains much of the Cavalier improvidence and careless elegance of manner; and Southerners, like the soil they till, are generous. But the Yankees, descended from austere and Puritanic farmers, and accustomed to wring their subsistence from an unwilling soil, possess the sterling virtues of human nature along with a stiff-jointed awkwardness of manner, and a sharp angularity of thought, which renders them unpleasing even to those who respect them most. A Yankee seldom ceases to be provincial. But John is waiting, hat in hand, to hear what we have to say www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 144: respecting his case. We say that John was wrong in not taking off his hat voluntarily, but that the feeling which prevented his doing so was right. He was right in feeling that the accidental circumstance of his being a hired man gave his employer no claim to any special mark of respect from him; and, as he considered that the removal of his hat would have been a special mark of respect, and thus an acknowledgment of social inferiority, he declined to make that acknowledgment. But John was mistaken. The act referred to would not have borne such an interpretation. John ought to have felt that on coming into the presence of a man, a fellow-citizen and co-sovereign, and particularly on entering his abode, one of the innumerable royal residences of the country, some visible sign of respect, some kind of deferential salutation, is _due_ from the person entering. John should have risen superior to the mere accident of his position, and remembered only that he and his employer were men and equals. The positions of the two men might be reversed in a day; their equality as men and citizens, nothing but crime could affect.--_James Parton._ III.--A LEARNED MAN AT TABLE. Some of the many errors which are liable to be committed through ignorance of usage, are pleasantly pointed out in the following story, which is related by a French writer: The Abbe Cosson, professor in the _College Mazarin_, thoroughly accomplished in the art of teaching, saturated with Greek, Latin, and literature, considered himself a perfect well of science: he had no conception that a man who knew all Persius and Horace by heart could possibly commit an error--above all, an error at table. But it was not long before he discovered his mistake. One day, after dining with the Abbe de Radonvilliers at Versailles, in company with several courtiers www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 145: and marshals of France; he was boasting of the rare acquaintance with etiquette and custom which he had exhibited at dinner. The Abbe Delille, who heard this eulogy upon his own conduct, interrupted his harangue by offering to wager that he had committed at least a hundred improprieties at the table. "How is it possible?" exclaimed Cosson. "I did exactly like the rest of the company." "What absurdity!" said the other. "You did a thousand things which no one else did. First, when you sat down at the table, what did you do with your napkin?" "My napkin! why, just what everybody else did with theirs. I unfolded it entirely, and fastened it to my button-hole." "Well, my dear friend," said Delille, "you were the only one that did _that_, at all events. No one hangs up his napkin in that style; they are contented with placing it on their knees. And what did you do when you took soup?" "Like the others, I believe. I took any spoon in one hand and my fork in the other--" "Your fork! Who ever ate soup with a fork? But to proceed: after your soup, what did you eat?" "A fresh egg." "And what did you do with the shell?" "Handed it to the servant who stood behind my chair." "Without breaking it, of course?" "Well, my dear Abbe, nobody ever eats an egg without breaking the shell." "And after your egg--?" "I asked the Abbe Radonvilliers to send me a piece of the hen near him." "Bless my soul! a piece of the _hen_! You never speak of hens excepting in the barn-yard. You should have asked for fowl, or chicken. But you say nothing of your mode of drinking." "Like all the rest, I asked for _claret_ and _champagne_." "Let me inform you, then, that persons always ask for _claret wine_ and _champagne wine_. But tell me, how did you eat your bread?" "Surely I did that properly. I cut it with my knife in the most regular manner possible." "Bread should always be broken, not cut. But the coffee, how did you manage it?" "It was rather too hot, and I poured a little of it into my saucer." "Well, you committed here the greatest fault of all. You should never pour your coffee into the saucer, but always drink it from the cup." The poor Abbe was confounded. He felt that though one might be master of the seven sciences, yet that there was www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 146: another species of knowledge which, if less dignified, was equally important. This occurred many years ago, but there is not one of the observances neglected by the Abbe Cosson which is not enforced with equal rigidness in the present day. IV.--ENGLISH WOMEN IN HIGH LIFE. Lord Hardwicke's family consists of his countess, his eldest son (about eighteen or twenty, Lord Royston by courtesy), three of the finest-looking daughters you ever saw, and several younger sons. The daughters--Lady Elizabeth, Lady Mary, and Lady Agnita--are surpassingly beautiful; such development--such rosy cheeks, laughing eyes, and unaffected manners--you rarely see combined. They take a great deal of out-door exercise, and came aboard the Merrimac, in a heavy rain, with Irish shoes thicker soled than you or I ever wore, and cloaks and dresses almost impervious to wet. They steer their father's yacht, walk the Lord knows how many miles, and don't care a cent about rain, besides doing a host of other things that would shock our ladies to death; and yet in the parlor are the most elegant looking women, in their satin shoes and diamonds, I ever saw.... After dinner the ladies play and sing for us, and the other night they got up a game of blind-man's-buff; in which the ladies said we had the advantage, inasmuch as their "petticoats rustled so that they were easily caught." They call things by their names here. In the course of the game, Lord Hardwicke himself was blindfolded, and, trying to catch some one, fell over his daughter's lap on the floor, when two or three of the girls caught him by the legs and dragged his lordship--roaring with laughter, as we all were--on his back into the middle of the floor. Yet they are perfectly respectful, but appear on a perfect equality with each other.--_Letter from an Officer of the "Merrimac."_ www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 147: V.--"VIL YOU SAY SO, IF YOU PLEASE?" "Speaking of _not speaking_," said I, when the general amusement had abated, "reminds me of an amusing little scene that I once witnessed in the public parlor of a New England tavern, where I was compelled to wait several hours for a stage-coach. Presently there entered a bustling, sprightly-looking little personage, who, after frisking about the room, apparently upon a tom of inspection, finally settled herself very comfortably in the large cushioned rocking-chair--the only one in the room--and was soon, as I had no reason to doubt, sound asleep. It was not long, however, before a noise of some one entering aroused her, and a tall, gaunt, old Yankee woman, hung around with countless bags, bonnet-boxes, and nondescript appendages of various sizes and kinds, presented herself to our vision. After slowly relieving herself of the numberless incumbrances that impeded her progress in life, she turned to a young man who accompanied her, and said, in a tone so peculiarly shrill that it might have been mistaken, at this day, for a railroad whistle-"'Now, Jonathan, don't let no grass grow under your feet while you go for them toothache drops; I am a'most crazy with pain!' laying a hand upon the affected spot as she spoke; 'and here,' she called out, as the door was closing upon her messenger, 'just get my box filled at the same time,' diving with her disengaged hand into the unknown depths of, seemingly, the most capacious of pockets, and bringing to light a shining black box of sufficient size to hold all the jewels of a modern belle. 'I thought I brought along my snuff-bladder, but I don't know where I put it, my head is so stirred up.' "By this time the little woman in the rocking-chair was fairly aroused, and rising, she courteously offered her seat to the stranger, her accent at once betraying her claim to be ranked with the politest of nations (a bow, on my part, to the fair foreigner in the group). www.e-bestsellers.com
Slide 148: With a prolonged stare, the old woman coolly ensconced herself in the vacated seat, making not the slightest acknowledgment of the civility she had received. Presently she began to groan, rocking herself furiously at the same time. The former occupant of the stuffed chair, who had retired to a window and perched herself in one of a long row of wooden seats, hurried to the sufferer. 'I fear, madame,' said she, 'that you suffare ver' much--vat can I do for you?' The representative of Yankeedom might have been a wooden clock-case for all the response she made to this amiable inquiry, unless her rocking more furiously than ever might be construed into a reply. "The little Frenchwoman, apparently wholly unable to class so anomalous a specimen of humanity, cautiously retreated. "Before I was summoned away, the toothache drops and the snuff together (both administered in large doses) seemed to have gradually produced the effect of oil poured upon troubled waters. "The sprightly Frenchwoman again ventured upon the theater of action. "'You find yourself now much improved, madame?' she asked, with considerable vivacity. A very slight nod was the only answer. "'And you feel dis _fauteuil_ really very _com-for-ta-ble_?' pursued the little woman, with augmented energy of voice. Another nod was just discernible. "No intonation of mine can do justice to the very ecstasy of impatience with which the pertinacious questioner actually _screamed_ out: "'_Bien_, madame, _vil you say so_, if you please?' "_Henry Lunettes._" www.e-bestsellers.com
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