Slide 1: Can Husbands Stop Their Own Passive Aggression?
For more resources on stopping your passive aggression, visit: Passive Aggressive System In this dance of connection and isolation called marriage, it is possible to see that two people in conflict have very different models of interaction. They each have different ideas about how emotionally close is “too close” in the relationship. The national assumption about us being independent individuals crashes as soon as we enter marriage and set about forming a new “WE.” Within the marriage, we find several degrees of permission to be near and/or distant. Those with a secure attachment can go back and forth between their own needs for individuation and the needs on the loved one. In the case of persons with avoidant attachment (withdrawing from connection), their interaction within the marriage is something like this: ● I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; ● I am nervous when anyone gets too close; ● I often worry about someone getting too close to me; ● I am not comfortable having other depend on me; We can perceive that there is some insecurity there, insecurity that is causing conflict, pain, and numerous fights about whether or not the avoidant husband is passive aggressive to boot.
Slide 2: Where is this conversation going? Easy, the best way to keep a fixed distance with an intimate partner is using some of the techniques of passive aggression! In other words, avoidant attachment almost always maintains itself with passive aggression. When an avoidant husband uses the passive aggressive, icy silence called “the cold shoulder,” what they are really doing is regulating the distance, telling the other person: “I’m not leaving you, but I’m in my cave, don’t get near me so I don’t get too scared of intimacy... the “WE” project goes into the fridge up until the moment I can reattach again.” When he uses the nasty comments, and the put downs, and the inconsiderate critiques, what he is doing is controlling the possibility of the wife getting dangerously near, by doing hurtful behaviors that will force her to withdraw in order to protect herself. Having an avoidant attachment marks a person for life, because he can’t ever trust completely the wife if she gets too near. What if she finally leaves him? What if he feels too dependent on her and so has to be too worried about his own survival without her? Better to detach constantly from the other with passive aggression! Now that we better understand this dance (where he withdraws, she chases him with her love and so forces him to withdraw more), we can we about changing the steps and tempo? Is that possible? If he’s performing some dance is the name of love (keeping her with him), certainly the name of love demands that he perform the right dance correctly. This can happen if he learns to change the behaviors that are causing pain, conflict and hardship between him and his wife. He can start doing that immediately with the right passive aggressive guide, available at Passive Aggressive System.
