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Slide 1: CHRISTIAN DATING ADVICE The is a comprehensive Guide that will teach you everything that you need to know about Christian Dating BigChurch
Slide 2: Christian Dating Advice: "Unusual behavior" by Christian Singles, what is this FORCE that seems to “override” good sense in Christian Dating Relationships? BY DR. JIM RIVES Finding a good Christian dating relationship is a challenge. Often Christian dating on the Internet is a valuable tool. Many Christian singles have been through some bumps and then finally found another single Christian that is responding favorably to them. It is fun and invigorating as you enjoy getting to know one another. You are looking forward to being with them again, dating, or at least talking to them on the phone. The Christian dating relationship is going along great. Then it happens. Something in their actions makes you feel uncomfortable. Perhaps it is the direction that they are taking the conversation that surfaces alarms within you. Suddenly you are thrown into turmoil of what to do. If you protest they may respond unfavorably. Yet if you go along with what they are asking you to do you know that it is wrong or at least has the strong potential of taking you where you really do not want to go. What happens next is a very common behavior with Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. Rather than protesting, you tell yourself that it is not any big deal and that you are overreacting. There is a force from deep within that is pushing you toward accepting whatever it is that they wish to do or say. You go along with the request or direction – even though you know that it is not a good choice. You have just entered into the abnormal zone in your Christian dating relationship and you know that your behavior is neither normal nor what you really desire to do. Why do you do this? What is this force that seems to “override” good sense? I have found this force to be very common and powerful in Christian dating relationships. It is the fear of rejection. All of the hurts from past rejections surface and ignite the protective behavior to keep us from being hurt again. We do not want to return to what we perceive to be painful and will go to great lengths to keep from doing so. This includes doing and saying things that are not normal for us even in Christian dating. If a past rejection is not properly processed to the point of being accepted and the sting taken out of that experience, it will continue to surface in our Christian dating relationships. The sad truth is that it will not only surface, but it is will continue to multiply out of proportion to reality. What was originally perhaps a small rejection is fed lies and it grows into a huge monster. The power of the negative force grows way out of proportion to the original pain. In fact, it can grow so large that we often do not even recall what it was that began this journey of pain. I have a suggestion for your consideration. The next Christian dating relationship in which you find yourself at this gate of choice of whether to go along with something that
Slide 3: is not really you, STOP. Take a deep breath and spend some time processing why you are having this challenge. God’s Spirit is within you if you are a child of His and these promptings are for your benefit. Move away from the situation until you can figure out what a healthy response is to the situation. Invite the input of mature Christian friends, your Pastor, or a Christian counselor. Use this as a breaking free time rather than one that may take you deep into bondage to a dating relationship that is not good for you. If you have to change your fundamentals so that you may have a “chance” to have a dating relationship with someone else, you are entering an unhealthy area of Christian dating. While each of us can learn from others and always need to grow, the motivation to change to “please” someone else in a Christian dating relationship is not a personally growing experience. To take this path is like making you a pinball in the machine of life. You will be bounced in Christian dating from one person to another and repeat the cycles of pain. Let me close with this thought: If you do not like who you are, set out to build each area of your life into healthy order. Grow to accept and like yourself before you engage in Christian dating. This involves having a good self-image. When Christian singles are at a place of contentment they will not be as likely to be drawn into the snares of others. You will be better able to ride out the storms of life rather than being drawn into them. God wants you to begin Christian dating with allowing His Spirit to feed your spirit so that the forces from within are coming from a healthy and wise position. In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian singles, when it comes to Christian Dating, start with a course called "Breaking Up 101" BY DR. JIM RIVES Many classes are offered on a variety of subjects, but I have never heard of one on breaking up for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. It is certainly something that none of us want to experience. However the realities of life reveal that we have or we will very likely experience this one. Before getting involved with online Christian dating; Christian singles certainly need to give some thought to the process of breaking up if they intend to relate to other Christian singles effectively. Our society is in too big a hurry to get somewhere. The truth of what we realize is that we too often end up just going around in a circle. Internet dating has been a major contributor to feeding the “rush” mentality for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. It has left too many for Christian singles hurting and wounded in its wake. I
Slide 4: strongly believe that it does not have to be this way. If more thought were given to proper considerations of other Christian singles, the injuries would be significantly reduced. There is an all-encompassing Biblical principle that must be applied in Christian dating relationships. It is found in Luke 6:31 “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Perhaps you recognize this as the Golden Rule. The application of this principle to all relationships would bring about a healthy experience for all. Allow me to share some basics to consider as relates to “break-ups” in a Christian dating relationship. NEW RELATIONSHIPS: 1. As you approach a new relationship, keep fantasy in check and seek reality. It is thrilling to find someone paying attention to you and wants to spend time with you. However the initial stages of “connecting” is a dance where everyone is on their best behavior. Do not contribute to the fantasy as you enjoy getting to know other Christian singles through Christian dating relationships. 2. Christian singles engaged in Christian dating should set aside times each week to discuss how the relationship is being seen from each of their perspectives. This will cause Christian singles to pay attention to realities and not venture off alone into a world of fantasy. 3. IF Christian singles find that something in the Christian dating relationship is not quite right, or even annoying, discuss it with the other person. Perhaps you can tell that they are really embracing the relationship, but you are not as far along as they are. Share this with them in an open and considerate manner. 4. When an obstacle develops in the Christian dating relationship, Christian singles should not immediately look for the door – unless it is a major offense. It will not only serve the relationship well if you take the time to process the item, but will improve your relationship skills for this or another relationship. NOTE: I want to share a fundamental key when discussing something that may be controversial or confrontational with another person. There is one word that must never be used. It is the word YOU! Too often the conversation begins with “you are doing something that irritates me.” Whenever the word YOU is used in discussing something that is bothering the relationship, it puts the other person on the defensive. How do you approach these topics? Focus on yourself and what the feeling is that you are experiencing. Something like “I would like to share how I feel when I hear you say …such-n-such” You may have a misunderstanding of the motives behind the words or actions. This will allow the other person to express their perspective in a non-threatening environment.
Slide 5: WHEN YOU WANT TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE: 1. I would encourage Christian singles engaged in Christian dating to have a mature Christian buddy of the same gender, or a mature Christian couple, to walk with them through a developing relationship. They can help Christian singles engaged in Christian dating have a wider perspective and consideration of what is happening in a relationship. 2. When you find that the relationship is not working for you, seek these counselors for input and prayer. Are you repeating past cycles or are your thoughts and feelings valid? 3. Pray. God’s Spirit needs to give you wisdom and understanding. He also wants to prepare you, and the other person, if the relationship needs to be ended. 4. Do not allow this to drag out in consideration of the other person’s feelings and needs. If you are in a quandary of what to do in the relationship, share this with them and seek mutual considerations of how to approach this. Do not expect them to be overjoyed that there is a challenge in the relationship. At least you will know that you are being considerate and trying. Which is a BIG step in the right direction for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. 5. When you have arrived at a decision and know that you must end the relationship, do not develop a laundry list of reasons to share. This can be very hurtful and is not necessary. I suggest that you share from a tender heart that you had great desires for the relationship, but as you prayed about it and sought input from wise friends, you have arrived at the conclusion that this Christian dating relationship needs to end. In consideration for their needs, you want to value them and not allow them to invest more of their feelings when you are not investing yours. This is the RIGHT thing to do for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. 6. Do not expect them to respond with understanding. They need time to process and grieve. Do everything you can to be considerate, and give them space. 7. Pray for them AFTER you leave and for the next week or so as God leads you. 8. WHAT NOT TO DO: It is an immature and damaging thing for Christian singles to just drop a person with whom they have initiated a potential dating relationship. Christians must not participate in the shopping cart mentality so prevalent online. I have received so many emails from Christian singles engaged in Christian dating that were abruptly dropped, or from someone who would just drop in and out of the relationship. Yet they can go online to the mutual dating service and see that the person is online seeking others at the same time that they were either not available or not connecting with someone in whom they had expressed an interest. This is not only immature, but also downright mean and inconsiderate for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. Be sure that you are not guilty of inconsiderate damage of another person.
Slide 6: WHEN SOMEONE WANTS TO BREAK UP WITH YOU: 1. Hopefully the person is considerate, and perhaps read the above. I wish that life were always fair. It just is not so and the dating scene is one confirmation of this. 2. You will always find it wise to have one or two Christian buddies of your own gender walk with you through any relationship experience. As I mentioned above, they will provide needed perspectives as your Christian dating relationship develops. They can also help you keep your head in reality instead of the great adventure into fantasyland for many Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. 3. When someone comes to you and says that they want to break up with you, do not fight it. Ask them to share with you what is going on within them and hear what they have to say. Often the real reasons are not shared as some weak excuses are provided. When another person has reached a decision to end a relationship, it will not serve you well to argue or challenge them. It is very proper for you to express how much you desire for the relationship to succeed. Talk about where you are and what you desire, but do not attack them for their position. This is the LOVING thing to do for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. 4. The best thing that you can do is to respond to them in love. It likely will not be your first thought, but I suggest that to do so will speak volumes into their spirit. While time may see them change their mind, it will more likely come about if they find you loving. Do not feed the reasons they may have for a break up by behavior that is unkind or hostile. 5. You will need time to grieve. You need your buddies to come along side and allow you to be you, while encouraging you to gradually move forward with your life. Christian singles should not rush out and try to find another Christian dating relationship right away. 6. If there were hurtful words or actions that came from the other person, take them to Jesus. Ask His Spirit to reveal anything to you that you can learn. Otherwise you will leave those hurtful things with Him and let Him address them. This is a very important step. In fact, if you cannot leave them with God, I plead with you to find a good counselor. The processing of hurtful events/words in our lives is essential to being able to move on with life in a healthy manner. If you do not process these in a healthy manner, they will lie within your spirit and surface in future Christian dating relationships. I speak from personal experience in this area. 7. Move forward – one step, one thought at a time. Philippians 3:13b says “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.” It is not easy to just let go and move on with life. It takes an effort each moment and day. As you focus on activities that move you toward a future, the past will lose its pull. Spend the next 28 days focusing on activities, thoughts, friendships, education, etc. that have to do with building you a better future. This amount of time will create a new pattern and replace the old one.
Slide 7: 8. God wants to comfort and encourage you. This is the purpose of His Spirit being within us Believers. Pour your hurt, frustration, and anger out to God. He is big enough to take it and turn it into good. Breaking up is never a fun process for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. However it does not need to be a damaging one. On whichever end of this dating breakup you find yourself, be considerate of the other person. Place your focus on God’s ability and desire to provide a future filled with hope and joy. This is the HEALING thing to do for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating who want to grow and mature in Christ, yes, even through a dating breakup. In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . In Christian Dating is Chemistry important or not? BY DR. JIM RIVES Attraction is an important ingredient in dating, even in Christian dating circles. Many Christian singles are guided by whether or not they “feel” an attraction toward a person of the opposite gender. The physical attraction toward another person is often capsulated under the term “chemistry.” I suggest that this is one of the most misunderstood areas connected with a potential Christian dating relationships.
Slide 8: Many Christian men and Christian women are told after a few dates that, while there may have been chemistry initially, there is no longer a chemistry felt for them. Because there is no chemistry the person has decided to drop the Christian dating relationship and pursue another direction. It can be a very devastating time in the life of a single Christian. I strongly believe that too much focus is being placed on chemistry, or physical attraction. Allow me to share some points that I believe need to be understood by Christian singles when considering chemistry: · Many marriages in the Old Testament were arranged. Jacob is one of those who had “chemistry” toward Rachel, only to find that he had married Leah. · A fact of life is that we have been conditioned by society to look for the physical attributes of other Christian singles first. This is like having dessert before you eat your veggies. · It is a well-established fact in both secular and Christian counseling that sexual satisfaction grows with a relationship. · People that had “chemistry” initially and lose it after dating a few times never had chemistry in the beginning. They had a fantasy and were attracted to what they wanted the connection to become, versus what it really was. Such approaches are self-serving and damaging to other Christian singles. If you find yourself being guided in this manner get a reality check and learn how to look for the essential ingredients first. · I find it absolutely fascinating to find that many previously married Christian men and Christian women are often consumed to not “repeat” the sexual incompatibility of their previous marriage. What is interesting is that BOTH of them move into a new marriage and enjoy sex like they never have before. My observation is that it was not sexual incompatibility in the previous marriage that was the difficulty. It was one or both of them not addressing the underlying relationship issues that need to be fed and present BEFORE good sex can take place. Conversely, Christian singles who so highly demand sexual compatibility in a new marriage are often the ones to marry again and not have it. They think that a good sexual relationship in dating is a good indicator of sex after marriage. It is NOT! If the man or women does not take the time to discover their part in contributing to the lack of sexual satisfaction in the previous marriage, the odds are huge that they will repeat the same cycle. Good intentions have little to do with reality. Recall the old saying “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” God does know best on this one when He says to wait until marriage for sex. · If the chemistry is the RESULT of building a strong foundation for the Christian dating relationship in the other areas, it is a great thing. If chemistry is measured prior to building the foundation and growing the Christian dating relationship, it is leading with FEELINGS and nothing more. If you choose to lead with your feelings, you will have great difficulty in finding the “right” person and will be in a vicious cycle of
Slide 9: searching….and searching…and…… · Instead of leading with chemistry, I encourage dating, Christian singles to look for all those traits and qualities you desire in a mate. Character and behavioral traits are much more important foundational elements for determining the potential of a good relationship. · I am not saying that Christian singles should ignore physical attraction. I am saying that it needs to be only one of many considerations, made with proper timing. · Take the time to get to really know another person. Spend time in prayer seeking God’s guidance about the Christian dating relationship. Invite the input of trusted and wise friends and family. If you see that the relationship is not moving in an affirming direction in a reasonable time, discuss it openly with the other person. Pray about it and affirm each other as individuals. Do not force a relationship, but do give it time to surface any potential. · Telling another single Christian that you do not find chemistry in the relationship and want to move on is really an immature way to handle a very vulnerable situation. I believe it would be better to bathe it in prayer and openly be considerate of one another. · If someone comes to you after a period of relating and tells you that they have been seeking God’s guidance in your Christian dating relationship and do not have a peace about pursuing it, tell them to pray with you about it. Honor their position and take it up with God. Share your heart with God and tell him that you value the potential of the relationship, but trust Him to provide for you in the future. Do you want to continue to receive the same results that you have experienced in the past? You will, if you continue to approach life in the same way. Ask God’s Spirit to give you wisdom and discernment in your Christian dating relationships and all areas of your life. He hungers to lead you down a more fulfilling path to joy and peace. In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet .
Slide 10: Christian Dating: Results of a survey on Christian Dating vs. Christian “Courting” BY DR. JIM RIVES When I initiated a survey on modern-day Christian dating vs. traditional Christian “courting” , I purposely left it vague and open. I wanted to see if anyone understood the term and see what responses it would generate. You will not be surprised that there were many survey responses with most taking a lot of time to fill in the narrative section. Very interesting! All total I receive 172 responses to the survey. Allow me to provide some data about those who responded: Female: 84% Male: 16% Previously Married: 1 to 3 years 9.1% 3 to 5 years 9.1% 5 to 7 years 9.1% (no, I am not repeating in error!) 7 to 10 years 13.1% 10 to 15 years 24.2% 15 to 20 years 13.1% 20 to 25 years 13.1% 25+ years 9.1% Never Married: 42.7% Divorced: 1 to 3 years 33.3% 3 to 5 years 21.8% 5 to 7 years 9.2% 7 to 10 years 5.7%
Slide 11: 10 to 15 years 17.2% 15+ years 12.6% Widowed: 1 to 3 years 8 people 3 to 5 years 1 person 5 to 7 years 1 person 15+ years 1 person Children: 25.6% of those responding to the survey have children living at home. The overall narrative responses to the survey reflect that Christian “courting” vs. Christian dating is almost non-existent or in poor condition. I believe that it would be accurate to state that 100% of them would welcome the more honorable, patient, considerate traits that Christian courting include vs. modern-day Christian dating. As I stated previously, I did not define courting for the survey, as I did not want to limit or condition the responses. I can also share with you that most of the comments expressed the fact that today’s world has jumped over courting to the express lane of dating. It is a sad and unsatisfying approach that is leaving many damaged people in its wake. The following are some comments that I have selected out of the many responses. They are unedited and shared as I received them: #1 I believe that "courting" is an outdated term in of itself. In my opinion, courting has the connotations of identifying and "reeling in" a marriage partner. So, in order to court, you must be specifically looking to get married....hoping to put your best foot forward so that you may be viewed as a worthy marriage prospect. I'm divorced. I'm Christian. I'm dating, but not really looking for a "marriage partner". So I must not be courting. But I am open for marriage if I find someone that I want to be with permanently. Don't be selfish. I've learned to listen well. I can learn, anticipate and meet the needs of a woman. I expect nothing less than the same. #2 I have raised four kids with the idea that modern-day Christian "dating" is warped in our Christian society. When they find themselves desiring to get to know someone better, they should be dating in groups and with families. Christian Dating alone seems like it is filled with temptation, expectation, acceleration, and diversion. There is such opportunity for deception to be at work and because of our own woundedness, we can easily be swayed in a direction that God never intended.
Slide 12: My desire, as a Christian woman, is to be approached, not to do the initial contact. I want someone who will be very respectful of the concept of not placing me or himself in temptation's way and, therefore, would be courting with other couples or family as apposed to dating alone. I am pretty old-fashion when it comes to wanting the small attentions that say, "I am thinking of you." Phone calls, compliments, holding my hand, tender tones, all speak volumes to me. #3 There is no courting. In today's society, we have "instant" news, "fast" food, access to news in other countries thru the internet that is real time versus being delayed. We get caught up in wanting someone so bad, that we don't get to know people. To me, it's the small things that count. Opening my door & helping me out of the car, sending flowers (doesn't have to be roses) to my office just to say thanks for a nice evening, taking the time to really talk about events, our interests and goals. Being spontaneous & showing up at the door with a picnic basket all packed--would really impress me if it was in the middle of winter & we had an indoors picnic. #4 Aimless at times. A way to keep from feeling alone or undesired. It's extremely confusing, I've tried to be everything: indifferent, hard to get, easy to get, polite, nice, everything, but the "game" continues to change or maybe I do. Honesty, Happiness, Kindness to all those with whom she comes in contact, Godly but not judgmental, goal oriented but not goal driven, Focused but not narrow-minded. #5 The condition of courting today seems to be what ever it takes to have a hot relationship and then just drop the person and go to the next person.....maybe I am wrong.....but what happened to the respect and manners of courting from 20-30 or more years ago??? Tell Christian men to read some good Christian books on courting versus modern dating. #6 Christian courting is a good idea. I think it exists most of my friends are married now. My non Christian acquaintances are dating not courting. With mutual trust and respect. To be open about our faith and be able to spend some time with friends and family. #7 Pitiful. It is a buyer's market for the Christian men. There are FAR more single Christian women than single Christian men. The men are taking advantage of the situation to demand sexual favors. In the church there are so many women to men that the men have become ridiculously picky. If you don't look like a young super-model ...forget it. Black women just plain don't exist. If you do look like a super model you will find yourself flocked with supposedly Christian men who pressure you for sex and then dump you when you let things go as far as petting and then say they don't find you attractive.
Slide 13: Also, Christian men today sit back and wait for Christian women to pursue (unless of course they look like super models.) Stop focusing on whether or not I look like a super model. Take me out for coffee. Have discussions with me. Share social activities and get involved in volunteer work and Christian ministry together. #8 There is no Christian courting in today's Christian world....Christian singles meet and the next thing you know they are in a intimate relationship! I would like to see God like behavior such as love for others, honesty, respect, COMMITTMENT, serving heart, have stability in their life, sense of humor, spontaneous, #9 I THINK PEOPLE CONFUSE COURTING WITH DATING. I BELIEVE COURTING IS A BETTER WAY OF GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER SINCE IT IS MOSTLY PUBLIC. SOMETIMES I TRY TO EXPLAIN TO THE CHRISTIAN MAN I MEET THAT I WOULD PREFER TO BE COURTED, WHICH IS VERY FEASIBLE EVEN WITH LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS, BUT THEY THINK I AM TOO OLD FASHIONED. TODAY'S SECULAR WORLD DATING IDEAS ARE INFLUENCING TOO MUCH CHRISTIAN SINGLES. COURTING FOR ME IS THE DOING OF THINGS TOGETHER IN A GROUP OR IF IT IS LONG DISTANCE SHOULD BE PROPERLY OVERSEEN BY ANOTHER MARRIED CHRISTIAN OR BY THE PASTOR SO AS TO BE ABLE TO KEEP IT PROPER. NO CLOSE INTIMACY UNTIL MARRIAGE (NO FRENCH KISSING OR BEING ALONE TOO OFTEN) ACCOUNTABILITY, WILLINGNESS TO BE ONESELF AND TO SHARE FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS. #10 Christian courting means that it will be a time of deepening friendship to see if there will be a possibility of marriage. By respecting me..to wait for me until we are married to have sexual relations..to be faithful.. Faithfulness..hope..love..peace..patience...trust..to be down-to-earth, open, to behave as a Christian gentleman and treat me like a lady and a sister in Christ..to put God first..and recieve accountability from an older mature godly Christian man who can be his Christian support team in dating or courting me. In closing, I invite you to reflect on your attitudes about Christian “dating” and Christian “courting.” What are you really setting out to achieve? Is the method that you are going about it helping you to achieve your goal? A recent definition of “insanity” is when a person strongly desires to change but continues in the same behavior.
Slide 14: Please take some time and reflect upon how you are interacting with other Christian singles. You have the golden opportunity to be a wonderful, positive, healing influence upon the lives of so many people. If you were to set out with this goal in mind, I wonder what would happen to your relationships? In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian Dating and Credit Reports BY DR. JIM RIVES Christian singles, would you like to see a Credit Report for single Christians you are considering dating? Would you provide a Credit Report if someone asked you in consideration of building a Christian dating relationship? Sadly too many Christian singles have made poor choices, or been impacted by the choices of others, that place them in poor financial condition. The force to connect sometimes prompts people to take risk beyond reason. The results are more often than not devastating to their financial health. I strongly encourage Christian singles to stop before taking financial risks and seek wise counsel before taking the plunge.
Slide 15: If this were true, would it not be prudent to obtain a financial report before entering into a possible Christian dating relationship? Logically I would agree and believe that it would save Christian singles some big heartache. I do believe that at some point as the Christian dating relationship turns to serious consideration of marriage any financial difficulties need to be surfaced. This is part of honesty and integrity upon which healthy Christian dating relationships are built. Yet, to provide a Credit Report after a few emails or even after dating a few times is too clinical and troubles me. Such quick action on deep choices is moving in a microwave mode of building relationships. For some Christian singles, it has become very acceptable to consider love or even marriage after one or two emails and a few phone calls. This is not love or serious consideration but moving from a reference of need and gratification. Emotions are wonderful but when that is the only diet the Christian dating relationship will die much like the physical body would respond to a diet of pure sugar. There is a very practical caution about providing Credit Reports to others. Every Credit Report contains the social security number. Even on some Christian dating sights, many participants are either married or playing a self-serving game. I am very concerned that there would be those, men and women, which would use this approach to gain social security numbers so that they can steal your identity and credit. NEVER provide your social security number to anyone, especially via the Internet. The request for a Credit Report may be a wise and prudent move. However, it raises more questions as to motivation. If it is done purely as a screening device to cull out potential Christian singles for Christian dating, I find this self-serving on the part of the one requesting such action. If it is a mutually agreed action between two individuals who have taken the time to get to know each other over several months and used as a part of solidifying their Christian dating relationship, so be it. However, if one does not tell you the truth, is a piece of paper going to make a difference? I have reached the conclusion that there are other elements of a truthful interaction that will surface the promptings to tell you that something is not right. If sex and selfgratification are not part of the interactions, God’s Spirit will lead you to the truth at a much deeper level than a Credit Report will provide. Prayerfully, read Philippians chapter 2 and 4. Christian Dating: Should I not be dating and sit back and wait for God to bring my mate to me? BY DR. JIM RIVES When it comes to Christian dating, there are some Christian leaders that counsel Christian singles to wait on God to bring their mate to them. Their counsel is to not to be dating and just wait on God. As a general principal, I do not agree with this approach to Christian dating. Christian dating or waiting? God puts us in the "garden" of life. In the garden, are we to
Slide 16: sit back and let Him take care of us? Or has He given us the charge to care for the garden and the weeding is ours? Yep, God clearly says that we are to work. I think that the same can be applied to dating and finding a mate. While we are to TOTALLY depend upon God for His guidance in Christian dating, it does not mean that we are to sit down and wait. It is easier for Him to guide a "moving" car than one parked. I do not mean that we should be racing ahead of him either. Too often we like to take over the "work" aspect of dating and finding a mate, rushing into relationships where He is not leading us, often dating relationships not good for us. God guides us to a balanced life. Christian singles need to be about building up all areas of their lives - our walk with Him, our physical/mental side, and building great friendships. He will guide us as we walk with Him to make good decisions about dating, mates and otherwise. Too often Christian singles take over the controls from God and do not let Him guide them. Christian singles, if you are not filling yourself with His presence, then you are taking a huge gamble and the odds for finding the best mate for you are next to nil. Finally, do not be dating just to be dating or filling lonely hours. I continue to encourage you to make and build friendships that are endearing and mutually rewarding. These are some of the greatest jewels in life. If you are seeking His voice, being involved with things that benefit your life, and serving others – God will use these to bless you in many ways. Will this guarantee you will find a mate? No. This is not a black and white formula for Christian singles; it is a way of life that reaps its rewards. God does know what is best for you and when. You CAN count on Him to provide Christian dating wisdom. A promise from God to you in James 1:5 In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian Dating: "Dear Christian Singles, what Criteria Do You Use for Dating other Christians?" BY DR. JIM RIVES One of the challenges in living is that we often do not give much thought to why we do something? The action is most commonly motivated by our feelings/emotions, reaction to an event, or a fantasy. From my observation point of relating to Christian singles, I believe that this is vividly true in dating via online Christian dating services.
Slide 17: What are your criteria when you sit down to enter an online Christian dating service? The results that Christian singles realize are in direct proportion to the criteria that guides their search. If it is physical you will not see anything else. If it is security you will only be able to see and hear in that frame of reference. If it is to fill a gap/void in your life, that too is misplaced criteria that can generate devastating results. Only God knows, but I have a strong suspicion that a major contribution to so many Christian singles being single is that they have misplaced or inappropriate search criteria. Yes, there are other reasons to be sure but come live in reality world with me for a few minutes. Ponder how this may be affecting your life. This is not gender-based behavior. It applies to both single Christian women as well as single Christian men. Another major false premise for a search is unreal expectations. I recall being single in my 50’s and developing some unbelievable descriptions of the type of Christian woman I wanted in my life. My list of criteria was several pages long. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I made the mistake of staying in front of my mirror too long one day. Ouch! I support dreaming and a healthy fantasy, but getting way off the path does not serve one well in finding a happy and fulfilling life. Beloved Christian singles, please think of what you have and are for another person to embrace. None of us is perfect in looks or in behavior. I am not proposing to drop all standards or desires but to spend a great deal of time considering the criteria you are using. I have a challenge for you. Invite some close friends of both genders, Christian singles and married Christians, to describe the type of person they think would make a great match for you. Your friends need to be mature and have a healthy perspective as well to be sure. Take in what they are sharing with you and measure this against the criteria that you are using. There is another truth that screams to be shared. The criteria used by Christian singles during Christian dating seem less important after marriage. It is not that married folks need to quit looking good for each other, etc. It is the fact that the criteria used during Christian dating have little to do with real relationships. It is the character, the caring, and those intangibles that make it worth the journey and take on deeper meaning. It is how they support one another and are there when the times are rough that builds relationships. I invite Christian singles to spend some time deeply pondering the criteria that you are use in Christian dating. It just may be keeping you from a rich experience that God wants to share with you. In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet .
Slide 18: Christian Dating Advice: Christian Singles, here are some Thoughts for a First Date... BY DR. JIM RIVES When it comes to modern-day Christian dating among modern-day Christian singles, is the word modern-day replacing the word Christian in the dating conduct of many Christian singles? Even on their first date? First dates are very exciting times for both the man and the woman. Usually several interactions have been made and it has been mutually agreed that “something” is there and they would like to find out more. Are there any considerations that Christian singles need to make for this first date? Okay, some funny thoughts are skipping through my head. Yes, before dating the man needs to brush his teeth, clean out the car, and be sure his shirt and pants are clean. The woman likely will clean the house if he is picking her up there and go through the agonizing exercise of what to wear. These are important and must be taken into consideration by Christian singles, but I am thinking of the broader arena for the first date. It is very troubling to me to receive so many emails from Christian singles where the couple had sex on their first date. Emotions and expectations are high and it “feels good” to be with someone who is FINALLY giving you devoted attention. When the person you are dating just happens to be someone who is attractive to you, that ignites all the buttons and before you know it, they are inside your home and ending the modern-day Christian dating experience in bed. Setting aside the fact that the Center for Disease Control says on their web site that one of every five adults and teenagers in the USA has a contagious venereal disease AND that the Bible clearly speaks against fornication (sex outside of marriage), in people drop their guard and have sex. If you could sit where I sit and interact with thousands of Christian singles you would quickly see that to have sex in this manner greatly increases the odds that the dating relationship will not succeed. In fact, most women find that they never hear from the man again. Even if they do, their modern-day Christian dating relationship has been built upon a chemical reaction and this becomes the basis for all future interactions. Yes, even among modern-day Christian singles! I invite Christian singles to consider the following on a first date: Meet the Christian man or Christian woman in a public setting that is safe for you. A coffee shop or restaurant setting is a good consideration.
Slide 19: Keep the conversation light and focus on the other person. Ask questions that give you insights into who they really are. The fact that you are asking questions will usually really impress the other person. The more that they talk about themselves the more they come away thinking that it was an awesome time and that you really understand them. How about modern-day Christian double dating: consider going on a first date with a couple that you know well. It will help you with the conversation, and also give you their perspectives on the other person after the experience. Do not meet them in your home on the first date if at all possible. This is especially true if you have never met this person before and know very little about them. It gives more meaning to the Christian dating experience than perhaps you are ready to give. Safety cannot be overstressed. Meeting in a public place with your own transportation provides each of you with options. If the Christian dating experience is not going well, you can thank them for their time and leave. If you are in their car, you are stuck and will have to wait for perhaps hours to get out of a bad situation. First dates are awesome opportunities to get to know other Christian singles. Do not think that these are the first steps down the wedding aisle. Plan ahead so that you both will be able to enjoy the modern-day Christian dating experience without falling into sin. There is an old rule about parties that I believe applies to first dates. A party should end when it is at its height and not drug out until everyone gets to leave. A first date likewise should be built to a great experience and then brought to a close. It builds the desire to want to know about the person more. This is a great way to exit a first date. Honor and consideration are two valuable guides to use on this first Christian dating experience. Keep this in mind and have a great experience. In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet .
Slide 20: Christian Dating: I'm recently divorced, is it too early for Christian singles to start dating again, and can divorced Christian singles ever marry again or is that against God’s will? BY DR. JIM RIVES This question is often received from Christian singles who are recently divorced. It is good to be asking questions as Christian singles build toward a new life – one filled with joy, peace and good health. There are two major areas that come to mind when considering when Christian singles should begin dating and marry again: BIBLICAL: 1. Even though the courts of man have said that you are divorced, has God said so? There are only a couple of grounds for divorce according to the Bible. In summary, these are – a. Matthew 5:32 – if the other spouse committed fornication (sex outside of marriage) b. 1 Corinthians 7:15 – if the other spouse is not a believer and chooses to leave 2. It is my opinion, that unless there is a “Biblical” divorce, you are not to be dating again, but must remain faithful to your spouse. Pray for them and live your life so that God can have a chance to restore the marriage. 3. IF the divorced spouse chooses to marry again, then I believe that this fits the criteria in Matthew 5 and then you are released to start dating Christian singles and consider marriage – IF God leads you to do so. EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL/FINANCIAL: 1. The steps that lead up to a divorce leaves all parties involved in a very unhealthy condition. It is very important, let me say again – VERY IMPORTANT that you become as healthy as you can in all areas of your life before you consider dating Christian singles. 2. My personal experience, and after relating to hundreds of Christian singles in similar situations, I strongly encourage divorced Christian singles to spend an extended time with a good Christian counselor. Christian singles are likely unaware of the many things that now influence decision making – both good and bad. If Christian singles do not come to understand the forces at play within their lives, they will likely repeat bad cycles and make poor choices. 3. Even among Christian singles, 70% of second marriages end up in divorce I am told. Do you wish to hurry to more pain?
Slide 21: 4. Before you consider Christian dating: set out to build a GREAT buddy system among Christian singles (and married Christian). Building strong relationships with members of your own gender is an essential part of a healthy life. These should be Christians who are a positive influence on your life, as you are to theirs. Seek Christian singles that you enjoy doing things with as well as building accountability to guide you through challenging times. Christian singles can entertain dating again after you process these two areas and find the complete release from God and other counselors in life. Is this a “tall” order? Yes, but one that greatly ensures your moving toward healthier and more fulfilling days of Christian dating. In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian Dating: Are there any differences that Christian singles should consider when dating an older adult (35+)? BY DR. JIM RIVES There are now many Christian singles who are 35+ that have never been married, or who are returning to Christian dating life after a divorce or death. While some things remain the same, there are many conditions that have changed in the world today. This is a topic that requires a book to properly answer all the ramifications, but allow me to address a few of them below: 1. Personal Standards change a. Life when you were 16 to 20 years old was likely filled with great expectations. Things came relatively easily and you did not worry about tomorrow, and most certainly not today. During that stage of your life, your choices usually involved what you were going to do for the day – or even the next hour. You gave little thought about making decisions that would impact you for a lifetime. Taking risks was fun and if one thing (or relationship) did not work out, you hurt a little but moved on. There were many more options! b. After rolling into their thirties and beyond, some Christian singles suddenly see life as slipping past them. Seemingly, you do not have as many choices, and the ones that you have made have now turned out to not be such great ones.
Slide 22: c. These thoughts and realities cause you to change your standards. You are more particular in where you spend your time and in what you “put up with” even in Christian dating. This certainly applies to your evaluation of other Christian singles. Your more mature age allows you to foresee the consequences of certain patterns in other Christian singles even before you start dating. By this age, you have spent several years building up a stockpile of considerations from your previous disappointments as well as the disappointments of others in your life that you have observed. The converse is true too. Perhaps some friends or family enjoyed great success in their relationships and you “grabbed” their standards, etc. and have set them up to be Christian dating and marriage goals for you – realistic or not. 2. Speed of communication has changed a. Today, we can turn on a radio or TV and find out more than we need to know about the personal lives of so many others. Situations in our world are communicated to us at our desktops or on the hourly news. This communication is sometimes good, but what makes news is the unusual and being bad. b. Personal communications have changed too. Many reading this article are doing so at their computers while on an Internet Christian dating site. With a few strokes on a keyboard, a person can quickly communicate with another Christian singles, whom they have never met, and invite a connection in one form or another. 3. Gender roles have changed (even among Christian singles) a. Here I will quickly give away my age if I am not careful. (No big deal – I am 60). Women (fortunately in most cases) play a much more visible role in our society, in most countries. Women have rightly demanded a bigger role in our society and workplace. However, these changes have also generated confusion within the dating community. There is a mixture of those who have old fashion idea of what a man’s/woman’s role should be, while others are more demanding in their “rights”. Does a man open a door for a woman, or is that showing her that he thinks she is weak? Does a man pay for a meal, or is it shared? You guess wrong and the date can quickly turn sour. 4. Women in the church roles have changed a. Some dear Christian women can now be found as Pastors and leaders in many congregations. I am hopeful that most Christian women have found this a blessing and release, but I have some of these Christian women writing to me saying that being in such leadership roles appears to intimidate Christian men and they are not considered for dating. b. Christian Ministries like Joyce Meyer’s have visibly changed how many consider their roles in Christian dating and marriage. I know that I could go on, but the point that I would like to make is that our world has
Slide 23: and is changing. As we become older, we cannot help but incorporate what has and is happening to us into our lives. When we were younger, it was easier to make a quick decision (even marriage) and go with it. The reality of what some have realized in bad marriages makes us more cautious when it comes to Christian dating and marriage. What are you to do if you find yourself in this place? 1. Do not rush into relationships just to find companionship, etc. 2. Set out to build a healthy balance in your life – emotionally. Spiritually, intellectually, financially, and physically. If I may, at 60 years of age, I am in better shape today (except financially) than I have ever been in my life – well since I was in my early 20’s. God has wonderfully made us and we CAN improve our condition. 3. Build deep and meaningful friendships. I believe that these should first be with 1 or 2 other Christians of our own gender. The intimacy that comes from real buddies is vital and necessary to a healthy life. 4. See a Christian counselor. Speaking from personal experience, there may be “blockages” within you that you are not aware of their negative impact. As you would not hesitate to see a medical doctor for a checkup, do so with a Christian counselor. 5. Christian singles should watch where they place their focus and expectations. There is no one who can fully meet anyone of our FULL expectations. God IS the only one who can. 6. Share your deepest desires and dreams with God. Hold Him to His promises. 7. Set out to do the things you enjoy – doing them with the people you enjoy. Christian fellowship can be so very deep and rich! 8. Now, beloved Christian singles, I have saved one of the most important ones for last. Become an awesome person whom others want to be with! As we become older, we too often become hardened and bitter. Our mouth shouts out our misery and reveals that we are very unhappy people. Who wants to be with someone like this? Become who you want to be, and one that others want to be with. A wonderful way to find this is by doing volunteer work in your church or a local non-profit organization. Pools become stagnant if they do not have anyplace where their water to flow out to. Serve others and it invigorates you. Christian singles, be of good courage dear friends. Life is NOT over yet, and even with the challenges that EACH of us have, life is still filled with promise and hope. Wonder what God would desire for you? Christian dating at any age is exciting! In His love, Pastor Jim
Slide 24: BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian Dating Advice: "How can I be sure that my Christian Dating Relationship is in God's will?" BY DR. JIM RIVES As I relate to Christian singles, I often receive an email that includes something about God’s will in it. Perhaps the person says, “We met last week/month in a Christian Dating site on the Internet and it has become evident to each of us that our new Christian Dating relationship is God’s will.” Or it will surface in a question “What’s is God’s will that I do about….?” I certainly believe in God’s will and know that Christ says that we should be busy doing the will of His/our Father. However the other words that follow in the emails often reflect a “rushing” toward a desired victory or success in Christian dating that seems premature. Other emails received about Christian dating and God’s will convey a heartbreaking story sharing how they just knew the Christian dating relationship was God’s will, but now the marriage, sex, or rejection is tearing them apart and they are very confused. Allow me to share some thoughts as relates to God’s will and Christian dating – especially as it relates to Christian dating using the Internet: If you find yourself discussing marriage after only a few emails and you have never met face-to-face, I do not believe that God’s will could be known at this stage. Slow down and let a thorough process reveal if this is the right/best Christian dating relationship for you. God uses others in our lives to confirm His will for us. No, they will not be perfect but they can give you some great insights. Do not ask someone who you think will just say, “Go for it!” Pray and think about who in your family and close friends are Christians and will pray with you about the developing Christian dating relationship. Always seek the counsel of a licensed marriage counselor or a Pastor trained in counseling. They can bring spiritual and practical applications to your understanding that are very important for success in Christian dating. Do not go once and think that is enough. It will be a process over many sessions. Step back from the Christian dating relationship and ask yourself some hard questions. - “What is it about this person that I cannot live without?”
Slide 25: - “What is it about this person that would be very annoying after marriage?” - Make a list of the pluses and minuses and look at them long and hard. If you do not know enough about them to make a list – especially on the negative side, you need to give the Christian dating relationship a lot more time. Everyone has negatives and if you do not see any, then I suggest that you are not seeing ALL of them. It is wonderful to find someone with whom you can pray and discuss things of God. This is an essential ingredient to a strong and successful Christian relationship. Long distance prayers via phone and Internet are not the same as doing so in person over an extended period of time. Caution: Prayer develops intimacy and I suggest that this level of praying should not be done at the initial stage of a Christian dating relationship. The intimacy might mask other things that you should be observing while Christian dating takes its course. What are each of your motivations in using Christian dating on the Internet to find a Christian dating relationship? You are both “hunters” – which is not a bad thing – but you must recognize the forces involved. TAKE TIME and let God confirm to you, over and over, in a variety of ways that this is the Christian dating relationship for you. One final thought that comes to mind. Is your Christian dating relationship a partnership or is something out of balance with the give and take of the relationship? Are your discussions primarily focused on what satisfies each other? Is the other person selfcentered and turns the conversations to themselves frequently? Relationships should be a healthy sharing and caring and not just doing what makes each other feel good. Christian dating on the Internet is a wonderful vehicle to meet new Christian singles. It also expedites expectations – and they too often get ahead of reality. God can use Christian dating on the Internet to bring someone into your life. He has used it for other Christian singles and this could be the way He will do it for you. But do not rush into any Christian dating relationship too quickly when a great person begins to relate to you. Do your “DUE DILIGENCE”. Allow it time and enjoy the building of a healthy and deep Christian dating relationship. See how the other person is around family and friends. God will reveal His will over time to each of you. May He guide you as you relate to other Christian singles and build wonderful friendships. Great friendships will develop the opportunity for the one you are seeking into a great Christian dating relationship. In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet .
Slide 26: Christian Dating: What about Kissing and Cuddling in Christian Dating Relationships? BY DR. JIM RIVES Today I received an email asking whether or not kissing and cuddling are considered a sin by Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. There is nothing sinful about the activity of kissing or cuddling in Christian dating, depending upon the definition Christian singles give to these words. When is it okay and when is it something that becomes unhealthy? The first place to begin in considering this type of interaction is with the Christian couple involved in Christian dating. Each of these single Christians needs to define what kissing and cuddling means to them. A kiss may be seen as a caring gesture and not have a sexual connotation to one single Christian, while the other single Christian may be stimulated into sexual thoughts and response just by thinking about it. The topic is one that needs to be openly discussed and a definition that works for each single Christian in the Christian dating relationship needs to be mutually acceptable. I am reminded of my definition for sex: any activity that has as its intent or develops into a sexual stimulation is sex. It does not require physical contact or even presence. Men appear to be more easily stimulated than most women. However, it appears that in today’s society that distinction is changing even among single Christian women engaged in Christian dating.
Slide 27: If a kiss leads either party toward stimulation of a sexual nature, I would urge Christian singles to back away from that activity as singles who want to remain pure before marriage. I did not say kissing is not fun. The world says that if it feels good, do it! There are many books and movies written about people who made a choice to follow pleasure in lieu of wisdom. I invite you to read the story of David, Samson, and even Solomon in the Bible and see what price they paid for pursuit of pleasure. A pure Christian dating relationship that is not clouded by premature sexual activity honors God can therefore be more freely blessed and guided by God. As for cuddling in Christian dating relationship, this can be harmless but the physical contact involved presents vulnerability and it is so easy for Christian singles to take the next step. A hand brushed across an area easily stimulated can quickly result in a bursting passion that commands to be fed. If you think this is an exaggeration, consider the fact that 1 in every 5 adults and teenagers in the US have a sexual disease. This fact is supported on the Center for Disease Control web site. Someone has not used good sense to allow it to grow to this proportion. Christians and non-Christians alike are in this group. I am not about laying a guilt trip on Christian singles, but I am in to openly sharing the truth to save unnecessary heartache and bodily harm in Christian dating relationships. Am I recommending that Christian singles do not touch each other in Christian dating relationships? No, I am not promoting this, but I do wish that more Christian singles would think about the power lying dormant when one practices kissing and cuddling without thought. There is much to be said for Christian singles just holding hands and allowing other forms of physical interaction to wait. I can speak from personal experience in the “pleasure” of waiting. My wife, Pam, and I decided to not kiss the first few months of our dating. I think that it served as an awesome part of our early bonding. We focused on the total person rather than a part of the anatomy or personal satisfaction. It was not easy but let me tell you that first kiss… was out of this world. My encouragement for Christian singles is to not be focused on kissing and cuddling in Christian dating, but to be open and aware of the total person you are experiencing. Building relationships is not a hit and run proposition. Go for the slow, steady, deep pace and the pleasure and enjoyment will be so much more. In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet .
Slide 28: Christian Dating: "A single Christian that I think God has sent to be my mate does not agree, or does not know that I exist. What am I to do?" BY DR. JIM RIVES This statement or one similar to it is often received in an email to me concerning Christian dating. Sometimes the single Christian will describe how in a dream or vision God described their future mate to them. The other single Christian that they met fits this description perfectly. However, the other single Christian does not feel attracted to this single Christian or does not even know that they exist. The added confusion comes in the fact that this single Christian is so sure that this is "the one" that God destined for them and cannot understand why the other single Christian does not see this too. The fact is that this person that came into their lives may, or may not be "the one" that God desires for their mate. Human relationships are very complex at the very least. There are many variables at play that could apply to this situation: The person could be the one destined for them, but they may not be listening to God or being obedient. I suspect that too often they are too filled with their own agenda that they are missing out on some treasures that God has in store for them. Each of us has our own will and God never forces His will on us. You can pray for this person but I would encourage you not to confront them. This approach is seldom the advisable one. The fact is possible that the single Christian may not be receiving clear signals either. Often our “needs” outweigh our judgment and cloud the situation. I find that this often applies to those who do not date very much or do not have much experience in dating relationships. It is as if a single Christian walks around with their Hope Chest and desires to stuff the first person they see that “appears” to fit their criteria into the chest. Our belief system that we create has a lot to say about how we can relate to this situation. If you are one who believes that God has selected only "the one" person to be your mate, you will have a difficult time releasing this situation. If you are one who believes that God can work through life’s events and can bring a relationship out of any number of other single Christians, then you will still have a challenging time with your feelings but can in time move on. What does one do? Here are some thoughts for your consideration: Check your “signals” with God. Share with Him that this other single Christian “appears” to fit the description of "the one" that God has in store for you and ask Him to confirm this. I also suggest that this confirmation not be your feelings as you are already in that state of mind of attraction to the other single Christian.
Slide 29: Seek the advice of a mature Christian, pastor, or counselor. Share what is taking place and ask for their input. If it is from God, you can hear yourself articulate it to another person. If you find yourself stumbling in an attempt to describe what is happening, perhaps it is a figment of your imagination. God is one of order and does not call us to ambiguity. Ask God to open your eyes to anything you are not seeing or understanding about the other single Christian. Get to know the other single Christian on a “friendship” basis, if that is possible. Enjoy getting to know them and allow them to get to know you. Do not “push” the relationship but see what natural course it takes. If you are a woman, be sure to read my article on how a single Christian woman can let a single Christian man know she is interested in him. Release the situation to God. If this other single Christian is the mate for you then God is more than capable to bring the other single Christian to this understanding. Step back from the situation and consider that unless this other single Christian comes to the point of desiring you, do you really want them to be your mate? There is much involved in this process that relates to how we see God and how we believe that He works in our lives. We can know that He is sovereign, He does want the best for us, He will not overpower anyone’s will, and He can always make the best of your life no matter the circumstances are with this other single Christian. In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian Dating: What do you think about dating multiple people? BY DR. JIM RIVES Online Christian dating provides the opportunity to meet and get to know many Christian singles at the same time. Is getting to know and meeting several Christian singles considered Christian dating? I think it involves what is being said and the behavior of Christian dating. Allow me to share some thoughts for your consideration. 1. There is nothing wrong with developing more than one friendship. In fact, I encourage Christian singles to use initial interfaces with others as opportunities to make new friends. I doubt that there are very many who actually take this approach. There is a desire in Christian dating to hurry and find the perfect mate so that one can move on with
Slide 30: “normal” life. 2. It is not Christian dating when one contacts another person to get to know them. 3. However, if the person connecting with more than one person decides that he or she would like to move to a more intimate time of sharing and getting to know the other person, I believe that they have crossed an emotional line into Christian dating . This is the point of Christian dating where they need to be open and honest if they would like to go to the “next step.” Honesty dictates revealing if they are doing the same thing with other Christian singles. I strongly believe that all Christian singles at this stage need to be aware of the level of interest in Christian dating . 4. If a single Christian says that they want to continue to have the freedom to get to know others AND begin to flow with “intimate” words and/or want to kiss, etc. there is a HUGE red flag waving. This is being inconsiderate of emotional investments that take place in relationship building. If they are not sure that they are not ready to be exclusive in Christian dating , they should not have ANY of the privileges of a Christian dating relationship. 5. The recipient in such cases is often fearful that if they do not play along with the other person’s rules for Christian dating they will quickly be abandoned. Because good Christian dating relationships are challenging to find and develop does not justify placing oneself in the position of being manipulated. 6. I am of the Christian dating school that if there is enough attraction, compatibility, and spiritual blessing to be interested in whether or not there could be a Christian dating relationship, then it is time to step out of the race and find out. It all boils down to two questions: 1. Why is the person motivated to have multiple interests? Is it a genuine and open effort to earnestly seek the right Christian dating relationship? If it meets this consideration AND the other party agrees, then both Christian singles can proceed with dating multiple people. But Christian dating of this type often results in hurt feelings. 2. How is the person going about this multiple relating or Christian dating? If they are “kissy” with multiple Christian singles or leading multiple people on to think that they are in exclusive Christian dating relationships with them then they are living a lie. They are self-centered and do not make good mates. Count your blessings and move on in your Christian dating walk! Christian singles are free to enjoy the advantages of online Christian dating, but should be moving carefully and with consideration in relating or dating. In His love, Pastor Jim
Slide 31: BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian Dating Advice: Do you know about the “Peacock Syndrome” in Dating Single Christians? BY DR. JIM RIVES Christian dating is not an easy “game” and presents its challenges along with hopeful rewards. In Christian dating veryone desires to be valued and to connect with another person. God placed this desire into us, the desire to connect with Him and others. The activity of connection in Christian dating does become a very interesting one to say the least. I fully understand the thrill of finding another single Christian where there are similar tastes and compatibilities. It makes Christian dating fun. The adrenaline flows as single Christians embrace such an experience. The challenge for single Christians engaged in Christian dating is to not drop one’s guard during such initial times of getting to know another person. Christian dating is a time when a single Christian presents his or her best side. While for some single Christians it may be misrepresentation, I believe that for most single Christians it is a time of showing the very best they have in hopes of building a
Slide 32: permanent bond in a Christian dating relationship. Have you ever seen a peacock flaunt in front of the opposite gender? The male peacock courts the peahen by converting its colorful tail feathers into a display of beauty. It is a beautiful site – the feathers, not the darn dance! This reminds me of how humans go about dating. Yes, even how single Christians engage in Christian dating! Whenever we see someone of the opposite gender who is attractive to us, we quickly rustle our best features into showing the very best we have. If you do not think that this is true I invite you to go to the next church activity for single Christians and sit back and watch the action. We seem to have inherited some traits of the peacock in the way we go about trying to impress other single Christians even before a Christian dating relationship comes about. What does this have to do with Christian dating relationships? Thanks for asking. I have observed that the first six months of a Christian dating relationship is the “peacock syndrome” period for many single Christians. It is a natural time of doing and being everything that 1) helps you prove to the other single Christian that you are awesome; and 2) you think will please the other single Christian to prove that you are the perfect match. I am not saying that this is wrong, if it is being done naturally and without deception. The valuable point to remember about the “peacock syndrome” in Christian dating is that this period of time is just that – a showing of your best side and trying hard to not show any flaws. Too often in this early “peacock” period of a Christian dating couples neglect the prudence of time and jump to a hasty conclusion that they are meant for each other and rush into marriage. A few days or weeks later they wake up to find a husband or wife that is very unlike the one they thought they knew in the “peacock” period of a Christian dating. Enjoy the “peacock” period of a Christian dating relationship, but do not rush into any long-term plans during this period of time. I encourage single Christian couples to take a year or more getting to know one another before they commit to marriage. Allow a long enough period of time in Christian dating to meet all the relatives and friends and for all personality traits to surface. A good relationship takes time to bond properly. It is work and takes time to mature relationships into marriage. Get beyond the “peacock” period of your Christian dating relationship before making wedding plans. You will be very glad you did. I have many emails either telling me that they are thankful to have received this advice, or sorry that they did not. In Christian dating show your best stuff and enjoy getting to know other single Christians. But be real and build Christian dating relationships on the total you and not just the “peacock” half.
Slide 33: In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian Dating: What is premarital sex? BY DR. JIM RIVES A variety of questions continually are received by Christian singles engaged in Christian dating, asking one variation or another of what is permissible in sexual behavior for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. The questions are phrased in interesting ways and interesting conditions, but there is absolutely nothing new in the question or the challenge. I have developed a definition for the sexual behavior that I understand the Bible to say is to be for married couples and not to be practiced outside of marriage. The definition is: “Any initiated or sustained activity that is done for the purpose of sexual arousal is sex!” The oldest false premise in this world is the one that says that anything short of (pardon my frankness but this needs to be discussed) penetration or intercourse is okay. I will not go into other types of behavior that I am asked about by Christian singles engaged in Christian dating as to whether or not it is permissible. Okay, sex is strong and those who use the Internet dating sites to find their next conquest is VERY common. This is all too true on Christian dating sites as well. Many Christian singles engaged in Christian dating write to me saying that they are interacting with someone on a Christian dating site and are being told that sexual activity for Christian singles is not only acceptable, but also okay with God. Where in this world can they find any Biblical reference for this one? I invite you to look up the references for fornication in the Bible, which is the word to describe any and all sexual activity outside of marriage. God is not providing clear instructions for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating in one part of His Word and contradicting it in another. Is one to simply turn off the switch to their sexual appetites because they are single? Can one who has been married before easily handle this area? I embrace with you that this is a very challenging area for most Christian singles. Sex is an appetite. The more it is fed the more it will grow and take over a larger proportion of your thoughts, time, and activity. While admittedly it is different, there are strong comparisons to our hunger for food. What happens when we allow our hunger for
Slide 34: food to go uncontrolled? The results are very damaging to us. The uncontrolled hunger for premarital sex by Christian singles engaged in Christian dating will be equally damaging if allow to run rampant and the hunger fed. Yes, it is the word discipline. It is what the Apostle Paul said when he stated in that we are to take every thought captive. It is essential that Christian singles engaged in Christian dating have a goal in mind, a reason for celibacy. It must be a health one that one that all of you truly believes in. That is my challenge to Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. Set out to find for yourself why YOU should practice celibacy. God’s Word most certainly should be a foundational part of that, but it will require more than that to be successful. Some other suggestions to consider: Develop one or two super buddies of your own gender who enjoy doing things that you enjoy doing. Focus on where you need to grow and set some goals to make that happen I love what I call a “visualization” board. Take magazines, newspapers, etc. and cut out pictures of those settings that you would like to have in your life. Paste these pictures onto a large white cardboard and hang it in your bedroom or a place where you will see it frequently. Visualize and pray with God about your future and purpose to do whatever it takes to get you there. Finally allow me to share this thought with you. It occurs to me that sexual activity outside of marriage is totally a selfish act for all Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. While two persons may be involved in the act, each one is separately satisfying their own needs. The sexual act in marriage is about bonding and satisfying one another. The emphasis is (or should be) totally the opposite. In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet .
Slide 35: Christian Dating: What does the Bible teach Christian singles about interracial dating? BY DR. JIM RIVES Our world has certainly “shrunk” in recent years. Travel and communication not only make it easy to be in contact with other parts of the world easily, it has also increased migration from one part of the world to another. The Internet has greatly contributed to “connecting” individuals from a variety of races and cultures across the globe. Perhaps it is the usage of Christian dating services on the Internet that has prompted more Christian singles to consider dating Christian singles of other races and from other cultures. I know of no specific scripture that precludes inter-racial dating for Christian singles. Some might suggest that the instructions in 2 Corinthians 6:14 would apply regarding “unequally yoked”. This would be an inaccurate interpretation of Paul’s words because he was clearly instructing Christians to not marry unbelievers. I know of no interpretation that says differently. Biblically, I find no instruction that precludes considering inter-racial Christian dating or Christian marriage. It is without bias that I do make some “practical” suggestions that Christian singles should consider when entertaining dating Christian singles from another race or culture. · Although the Christian singles dating may be at ease in inter-racial dating, they should be prepared that those around them may not be. There are still locations within the USA, as well as around the world, where even inter-racial Christian dating or Christian marriage is not viewed positively. · There are cultural aspects that usually relate to each race, which should be given careful consideration by Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. These differences can be easily set-aside by Christian singles during Christian dating, but often become huge items after marriage. If one is considering Christian dating within a specific race other than her or his own race, they should spend a good deal of time in that culture (if applicable) to see how they feel about the differences in a practical sense. · All of the considerations that apply to building a healthy relationship should be applied when building an inter-racial Christian dating relationship. Understanding family backgrounds and how they apply to future expectations is another major area. This should apply to communication as well – as one thing means something in one part of the world and something quite different in another. · A very sensitive area for many Christian singles in an inter-racial Christian dating relationship, but one that should be given a good deal of thought before marriage, is future children that the couple desires to have. How will they be raised? Where will they go to church? How will their education and languages be approached? How will you
Slide 36: answer their question when they come home and say something like “someone at school said that my parents are different”? · The roles of men and women differ greatly between races and cultures. This should be another area of consideration, education, and discussion. There are many happy and successful Christian marriages that come from inter-racial Christian dating relationships. I personally know of several successful inter-racial Christian marriages and cherish these couples' friendship. God should be the guide (and not the internal needs of Christian singles) in finding and building Christian dating relationships. Christian singles should never run ahead of His Spirit’s guiding and make a mistake that will greatly impact a lot of lives. Be open to taking the time to educate yourself – and then your partner in the relationship – so that you are making a wise and mature choice. I especially like the wisdom found in Proverbs 11:14 “but in the multitude of counselors there is safety”. Every single Christian should have mature, wise Christians of their own gender as accountability partners. These partners should be consulted at every step of consideration for inter-racial dating/marriage. When a serious relationship develops out of inter-racial Christian dating, additional counsel should be sought with a Christian counselor or Pastor experienced in marital counseling. This suggestion is not given to “doom” the relationship, but to give it every chance to develop and become all that the couple and God desire it to be. Finally, Christian singles in an inter-racial Christian dating relationship should pay close attention to input from family and close friends. They know us best and their insights can be very helpful to making the best choices for us (if they are Christians). Racism is not Biblical. According to Colossians 3:11 and also Galatians 3:26-29 all Christians are equal in Christ. In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian Dating: No, Christian dating should not include recreational sex, but for many Christian singles it does. BY DR. JIM RIVES
Slide 37: I recently made the comment to a friend," that I didn't feel that sex outside of marriage was acceptable to God. That God had a purpose for people having sex and that sex for recreation wasn't accepted." I was told God isn't that strict and it was recommended that I talk to a pastor, so what can you tell me. The above email was received this week and I suspect that it applies to many other Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. "God is a wonderful loving God and wants His children to enjoy themselves – right? He is not about rules and regulations but about experiencing life to the fullest." Is this your thinking? It seems to be the thinking of many other Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. For other Christian singles engaged in Christian dating, I realize that the underpinning of this thinking relate too much more than a question about sex. It has to do with a personal belief system and how one relates to the truth. I find this way of thinking to be very prevalent in our societies. The response to such a question must go to a point of foundation. It is not a matter of what we want to believe or would like to believe, but it must be founded in the truth. The following truths are found both in the Bible and in my personal walk: God did not create sin. His plan was for you and I to live in a Garden of Eden with an abundance of life and joy. However, to be able to make us in His image, He had to create us with freewill/choice. Otherwise we would be “things” and more like robots without any choice. Out of our freewill/choice, Adam and Eve allowed their focus to move to the one thing that they did not have versus the zillion things that they did have and enjoy. This was the first move to the “have not” village and the results are what you and I experience every day. Let me be quick to add that it is not the choice of Adam or Eve that convicts us of our sin, but our own personal choices and self-centeredness. The result of this sin allowed the influence and power of Satan to come to bear on our lives. In the Garden of Eden (as it will be in Heaven) I believe that there was no illness, no death, and no toil. The sad reality is that now Satan has great power in this world. Rest assured that there are many supernatural spirits present in this world who are connected with Satan and not of God. These are the demons of disease, death, and destruction. Because of freewill, we invite Satan to work in our lives. People have tried since Adam and Eve to place God in a box. The attempt is made to see God within one’s own understanding, experiences, and desires. God is not in a box and will not be placed into one. Isaiah 55:8 tells us "I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work." With this foundation, let’s move to what God really says very clearly about sexual
Slide 38: activity for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating . The Apostle Paul uses the word “fornication” when describing sexual sin. Fornication is defined as any sexual activity outside of marriage. The Message translates Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 6:18 “There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. Recreational sex is a widely accepted practice – even among many Christian singles engaged in Christian dating . This view says that God made our sexual appetites and there is no harm in mutual consent sexual activity. Not only does Paul/God clearly state that it is a sin (outside of God’s will), it causes us harm. How so? The US Center for Disease Control web site tells us that 1 out of 5 adolescents and adults in the US have genital herpes. http://www.cdc.gov/std/Herpes/STDFact-Herpes.htm. I invite Christian singles engaged in Christian dating to read my article that There is a direct disease connection to the practice of recreation sex, yes, even among Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. No one will dispute the high divorce rate that we have today even among Christians. I believe that this is another illustration in how recreational sex and the general application of selfish desires has a negative impact on our lives. God intended sex for two reasons: (1) procreation; and, (2) the ongoing connection of two become one flesh in marriage. For other Christian singles engaged in Christian dating to practice recreational sex is to play games with our inner spirit by feeding it a diet of voices that say, “this is the one” – no – “this is the one” – no – “this one is now the one.” The fact is that then Christian singles engaged in Christian dating loose touch with reality and become incapable of discerning when we are in the presence of a real, potential relationship that leads to marriage. Recreational sex only serves a selfish purpose. It is not about valuing the other person as a whole person but as an object of desire. It ignores the other ingredients so essential in building a healthy and fulfilling relationship. I see it more like one that insists on eating a diet completely of sugar and then wondering why they do not have the strength and stamina for enjoying life. It is so askew to one element of a relationship that it destroys the other elements. I have yet to find any Christian singles engaged in Christian dating that practice recreational sex be able to focus on the deeper elements of a Christian dating relationship in a healthy manner. Once sex enters the picture it takes over the Christian dating relationship and everything is dictated by how it might affect the sex life. This sets into motion the actions that destroy relationships for Christian singles engaged in serious Christian dating. There is more and I invite you to begin an earnest study of the truth and how it applies to recreational sex. God has not changed His mind. Truth is not altered by desire or wishes on the part of Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. Truth is still the truth and God is all about the truth that will set us free.
Slide 39: I pray that God uses this to encourage all Christian singles engaged in Christian dating to make choices that move them toward the joy and fulfillment they are seeking and away from those choices that imprison and set Christian singles into a spiraling, confusing, disappointing direction. Christian dating can only be blessed by God when Christian singles obey God. In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian Dating: "Should Christian singles engaged in Christian dating have sex while dating to be sure they are compatible before marriage?" BY DR. JIM RIVES So many emails from Christian singles revolve around sex and the single life, premarital sex during Christian dating. One would think that all the other systems essential for living are placed on hold while one is a single Christian engaged in Christian dating. There is nothing new about the angles that are used to justify sex outside of marriage. The Old Testament if filled with how the sexual aspect of life negatively influenced someone (Samson, David). One of the most out of control sexual philosophies that is being spread today, even among Christian singles engaged in Christian dating, is the idea that to be sure that there is sexual compatibility in marriage, the couple must experience premarital sex during Christian dating. This premise is not just promoted by men but many women are promoting it as well. I can think of nothing further from the truth than what this premise represents.
Slide 40: There are several reasons that I suggest this is a total lie and actually leads to destruction of the relationship versus moving it forward: There is no way to have an accurate number, but I can tell you that the overwhelming number of emails from Christian singles engaged in Christian dating that I receive about this topic tell me how this leads either immediately or soon thereafter to the demise of the relationship. The ones where it did not immediately lead to the end of the relationship it lead to confusion, guilt, and difficulty of getting the relationship back to a healthy place for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. Let’s state it like it really is. Any sexual relationship outside of marriage is a fantasy and the elements are not a true setting for what sex will be like in a marriage. I am not saying that sex in marriage is boring or not filled with excitement. I am saying that there is a condition prevalent in sex outside of marriage that is akin to forbidden fruit. Forbidden fruit always taste good to the lips but oh what it does to the internal organs! Sex was created for two main purposes: procreation and intimacy of a married couple. The intimacy designed by God to be enjoyed by a couple goes deeper than the physical aspect. It is a union of the spirits at the very deepest level. When a couple has sex outside of marriage they are creating a false God for their spirits. 1Corinthians 6 tells us that we are called to live our lives in purity with Christ. It continues to say that we are not to take His Spirit within us and place it with a harlot. When Christian singles engaged in Christian dating choose to have sex outside of marriage they are taking the Jesus within them and placing Him with a harlot. Is that a little strong? Yes it is and it is the truth. For when Christian singles engaged in Christian dating practice sex outside of marriage they place themselves in the same definition as a harlot. A harlot is one who has sex for a price. The price does not have to be money, but paid by pleasure. It is still a harlot. I am deeply troubled by the number of reports that I receive about ministers or Christian leaders who are rampantly promoting the theory that Christian singles engaged in Christian dating must have sex before marriage. There is no other way to say it than this is self-centeredness and placing their own desires above the care and protection of others. God will judge them and I urge those with such a philosophy to confess their sin before God and embrace the way of purity. Marriage is not like buying a car or a new TV. It is a spiritual union that is combined and protected by God. Good sex is not measured by how fast one can jump into bed and gain a quick thrill. Good sex is developed over time out of trust and intimacy shared and nurtured between a married couple. God designed sex to bond a couple and to grow from time and love. And not for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating.
Slide 41: In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian Dating: "What about Christian Dating and Signals?" BY DR. JIM RIVES Sometimes it is just plane scary for Christian singles to initiate a Christian dating relationship. Fear of rejection is very real. One of the hardest things to figure out is why some Christian singles get rejected in Christian dating. What vibes or signals are you sending out even before you start dating? If you are alive and breathing you are sending out signals. These signals are much like radio signals in that the human eye cannot see them, but they can certainly be felt. Where did the signals come from and how do they impact our lives? I am glad that you asked! First allow me to share some illustrations of “signals” that I have experienced in relating to Christian singles. Some things become very apparent within a few minutes of relating to Christian singles who are interested in Christian dating: - if they are aggressively seeking a mate - how they feel about themselves - if they have a sense of hope and purpose - that they have been taken advantage of by someone and likely to be hurt again in their next Christian dating encounters - whether or not they have an inner guidance system or are the result of a free-for-all life These and many other signals are very apparent to others – some more than others.
Slide 42: Do most Christian singles know what signals they are sending out? Perhaps you are asking for trouble? It could be that your signals are repelling others and keeping you from connecting, as you deeply desire. I suggest that it is very important to discover what signals you are sending out and whether or not they are making a positive contribution to your life. Signals as I am using the term are those nonverbal fields of energy and force which we emanate from deep within our being. It may change your facial expression, your posture, body language, or the way you walk and talk. These signals had their origin in our thoughts that “chose” to repeat the thoughts over and over. The repetition serves as a diet to our spirits, and over time (usually about four or more weeks) our spirits begin to believe what they are being fed. It makes no difference whether or not it is the truth, the spirit only knows that this is consuming your thoughts and embraces that this is what you wish to happen. The result is that the spirit generates the signals that go out to the world about Christian singles like you and into the hearts and minds of other Christian singles you would like as potential Christian dating partners. This silent element of our lives is many times more powerful than the visible world that we experience. It is a major contribution to whether or not you will experience healthy and fulfilling relationships. Awareness is the first key to understanding your signals. Consider what consumes your thoughts most of the time. Where is it that your mind likes to dwell and keep playing the record over and over again? Is this a positive or negative thing? Whichever it is determines the diet that Christian singles are feeding their spirit and providing the fuel for negative or positive signals. This is one of the most significant keys to understanding much of life. Understanding this key will allow you to realize some significant, positive changes in your experiences with other Christian singles. While it may not change the entire negative into positive, it will bring peace and inner joy as you have these experiences with other Christian singles. God’s love for you and the value that he places on your life is the foundation for approaching your signals. God created you and it is through him that you and I can gain real wisdom and the power and understanding to find the keys for successful living. This article is meant to serve as a button to cause Christian singles to stop and think about the signals that Christian singles are sending out. God wants Christian singles to be free and living life to the fullness he created Christian singles to experience not only in Christian dating but in every relationship. John 8:32 Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you." In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet .
Slide 43: Christian Dating: Do you believe in “soul mates”? BY DR. JIM RIVES The phrase “soul mate” is often included in emails I get from Christian singles who are interested in Christian dating, or I am asked if there is such a thing as a soul mate because Christian singles are either dating or interested in dating their soul mate. The Bible does not discuss this concept but it certainly is used a lot among Christian singles and even by a large Christian dating service called BigChurch So, is there really a soul mate for all the Christian singles out there who are interested in dating him or her? Did God invent soul mates or is that a man-made concept? For almost all Christian singles interested in Christian dating, or currently engaged in Christian dating, there is a desire to find someone who is a “perfect” match. Although this is but a thought, it really surfaces when Christian singles meet someone who appears to meet all their expectations. The other person says the right things, likes the same things as they do, and just seems to know exactly what to do to please them. The feeling is so overwhelming and it seems like a divine appointment. Is this really a soul mate? There are times in life when we suddenly find another person and it just “clicks”. The attraction is there and the initial compatibility is awesome. The relationship is off to a great start and expectations begin to build. At the very best, this is a wonderful Christian dating fantasy period for Christian singles and there is nothing wrong with enjoying it. The challenge is to keep it in perspective and not move to quickly. Every Christian dating relationship needs to spend time to grow at a healthy pace. Too often what appears unbelievably positive at the beginning proves to be highly undesirable a few months later. Every relationship has to work through a process to be complete. Christian singles will either work on this before they marry or after – but Christian singles will work on it. Guess which time is best? While some Christian singles may find someone that they think is their soul mate, most of us do not have this experience when we meet others. I suggest that it is unhealthy to expect cannons bursting in air and a super attraction to automatically be present to PROVE that Christian singles have met their soul mate. Most Christian dating relationships that prove to be deeply loving and fulfilling come out of friendships that develop over time into a close Christian dating relationship. I do not have any facts to support this, but I have strong reason to believe there are many marriages where they were not initially attracted to the person but that feeling developed over time. I know of some who could not stand each other initially but it later proved to be a highly successful relationship. The point – Christian singles should not sit around limiting their Christian dating to only
Slide 44: those Christian singles with whom they believe are their soul mate. It is great if it happens and works out to be a super relationship. However, enjoy those around you and spend your time and focus building great friendships and let God guide your Christian dating. Doing ministry together is sometimes more bonding than time spent in Christian dating. I close with a deeper thought. Does God predestine each of us engaged in Christian dating to whom we will marry? While it is true that God cares for every element in our lives and knows ahead of time what choices we will make, I find no scripture that states He selects our mates for us. Are there times when He does? Perhaps, but my experience reveals that He is more interested in Christian singles inviting Him into every process they undertake in life so that He can guide Christian singles to the best choices. Enjoy those around you now and allow the future to unfold with God’s guidance. In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian dating: what are the “NORMAL” stages in dating for Christian singles? BY DR. JIM RIVES The media bombards Christian singles with sex and dating built appealing to our fantasies. There is a progression that should take place in building a Christian dating relationship. The following is offered as a short Christian dating guide for Christian singles to consider as they build a Christian dating relationship. (Note: As soon as I say Christian dating guide, every single Christian reading this will think they are an exception and the timing noted does not apply to them. Yes – it does! One of the strangest phenomenons that I have observed is that singles dating behavior is more common than most of us think. I encourage you to not look for the “exception” but where you can build the type Christian dating relationship that will serve you and your partner well for years to come.) FANTASY STAGE 1 – 6 months: 1. There is an attraction to each other and Christian singles immediately (or soon thereafter) think they have found their soul mate. Candidly, there is really little more in the Christian dating relationship during this stage than “physical attraction”.
Slide 45: 2. There is a temptation for Christian singles to begin saying, “I love you” during this fantasy stage. What the expression really is saying is – “I am in love with the idea of being in love” AND “I really think you are the answer for ME”! It is mostly self-serving. 3. The emphasis should be upon enjoying each other’s company and building a FRIENDSHIP and refraining from going any further. 4. After 2 to 3 months of this type of dating and it is mutually agreed, the Christian dating relationship can move into an exclusive dating arrangement. This should be mutually agreed to and clearly understood by both Christian singles. 5. It is very important that each person have their own accountability group of their own gender. The progress of the Christian dating relationship should be shared so that their objectivity and accountability can be a valuable resource to the couple. AFFIRMING STAGE 6 – 12 months: 1. Once a couple is satisfied that there is something to take to the next level, the couple should develop a plan in how they can best get to know each other in “real settings” not just in Christian dating situations. This plan will include such things as spending time around family and close friends to enable each other to see how the other person builds and sustains all relationships. 2. I do not suggest that the couple spend all their time together at this stage. It is a temptation to do so, but I suggest that it is actually unhealthy for the Christian dating relationship. Our emotions need to “grow” into this type of deep Christian dating relationship. Pushing the pace causes areas of each other’s character to not be observed. For example: Can the couple enjoy their alone time as well as their together time? If not, what is the “force” at play that is “pushing”? This often means that a healthy bonding is not taking place and the emphasis is upon self-satisfaction in this Christian dating relationship. 3. It is very important to look for CHARACTER issues in each other during this stage of Christian dating. Give yourself enough time and enough settings where character issues can surface. Why is this important? Individuals can “mask” character issues for an extended period of time – especially a few months during the fantasy period of Christian dating. But character is the foundation upon which commitment is built. Character does not change just because one gets married. You need to know “what they are really like” before you move into a marital relationship. PRE-ENGAGEMENT STAGE 1 to 2 years: 1. The couple has spent a good deal of time building their Christian dating relationship. They mutually agree that this relationship has the great potential of moving into marriage. It is important that there be a “pre” engagement period of time. There is no set time frame
Slide 46: for a pre-engagement period. It is more important that the process be completed than the time completed. 2. Marital inventories and temperament sorting should be taken at this stage. These are a wonderful means of finding out which areas you are really in “sync” and where you are apart. It serves as a basis for building the Christian dating relationship into as healthy a one as possible BEFORE marriage. (I highly recommend the inventories developed by Dr. David Olson that can be found at www.lifeinnovations.com. There are many counselors who can provide Christian singles with insights into the results found in these inventories. The Myers-Briggs temperament sorting is another excellent source of information that each person should know about themselves and each other.) 3. At least 4 sessions should be spent with a Christian counselor who is trained in premarital counseling. It would be especially helpful to take the inventories mentioned above to the counselor for their input. 4. It is very important that the couple receive affirmations from family and friends during this stage. If they do not (unless there is a good reason), the couple should take the time to listen to the concerns and take steps to ensure that they are embracing and working through them. ENGAGEMENT STAGE: 1. Once a couple arrives at the point that they “know” that they want to be married and have all the affirmations that they can receive, they can move from the Christian dating stage with confidence into the engagement stage. 2. I do not recommend a prolonged engagement once the couple decides to get married. If they have done the process in a “seasoning” manner, they should plan to marry as practical – with mutual agreement. I say this so that pre-marital sex will not be a temptation. MARRIAGE STAGE: The couple should be able to enjoy the blessings of God as well as family and friends as they move into a marriage that has been well planned and confirmed in a healthy process. They can be assured that they have taken the steps to assure a long and satisfying marriage. There are so many voices at play in our world today. Many of these encourage us to rush into marriage with anyone as soon as we find a strong attraction. This is not wise and God wants to mature you in your Christian dating and bonding process. It is my prayer that Christian singles will use the above to develop their own Christian dating guide for building a strong and satisfying relationship.
Slide 47: In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian Dating Advice: how to start Dating again? BY DR. JIM RIVES (Written for Christian women, but can be reversed to apply for Christian men) For Christian singles contemplating Christian dating, times have changed, but values have not! Am afraid that you will find more Christian men with less good manners and more into themselves. Here are some thoughts that come to mind as you consider Christian dating again: 1. First (very important), build yourself a strong foundation of close Christian women friends. You should be accountable to each other, open and vulnerable. This will be a great resource to you as you find a variety of situations. 2. What a Christian man (or Christian singles in general) puts in emails, on paper or in their Christian dating profile is not always the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Take "words" - spoken or written - as AN indicator to be slowly confirmed over time. 3. Do not rush into anything. You will find Christian men who will "fall in love" with you at the drop of a hat. Their soothing words will be like fresh water in a desert to you. Be prepared for this and make sure that "the process" of Christian dating takes place over time before you allow your emotions to become engaged. 4. Internet dating is only one source of Christian dating - and frankly, a dangerous one. While it increases your odds to meet someone, it also increases your odds to get hurt. There is something about "incognito" behind the Internet that brings out strange behavior in people - especially men. I am not saying to not do this, just be careful and use extra precaution in using Christian dating sites. 5. Expectations - this one gets ALL of us in trouble. It is a temptation to lead with your heart as you seek to find someone to come into your world to counter the loneliness, etc. I strongly suggest that you do not place your expectations on other Christian singles that you meet for Christian dating, but put ALL your expectations on God. He will provide the best - if you wait on Him. 6. Do not focus only on Christian dating online. Find out where Christian singles in your
Slide 48: area meet for activities, etc. This makes a great place to make friends and meet Christian men. Again, I always caution in the expectations area. 7. Make friends - not seek a future mate. I find this an easier approach to Christian dating. When a friendship comes along that you mutually wish to develop more, you will know it and can do so. Am sure that there are many more points, but these are some that come to mind. May God guide, bless and protect you in your Christian dating journey. In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian Dating: "Two dates, let’s get married!" BY DR. JIM RIVES A too common occurrence is taking place in the Christian singles, Christian dating scene. It is VERY prevalent among single Christians who are either divorced or widowed. Allow me to describe the background. A couple of Christian singles meet and find that there are attractive qualities about the other person. After a little favorable interaction they decide to start Christian dating. The first date goes well as each single Christian pours out what they have been missing and what they are seeking. It is music to their ears, or at least to one of these single Christians. They decide to set a second date. The anticipation builds for this second date with the feelings running rampant. It appears that these single Christians have met someone of their dreams. Their soul mate has arrived in grand style. The second date arrives and the two “kids” are running on high octane. They quickly reminisce over the first date and what has been developing in their Christian dating interactions. THEN IT HAPPENS. The conversation turns to marriage. Out of space this
Slide 49: long-awaited word is spoken into reality. From normal Christian dating to a huge leap into outer space, or what I call fantasyland, has just occurred after dating only twice. Reality has been left behind after dating only twice. What is so terrible about discussing marriage early in a Christian dating or Christian “courting” relationship? One of two situations quickly forms in response to marriage being brought up at this stage: It is usually the man that brings the suggestion of marriage into the early conversations. If the woman agrees, she has just bought a ticket on a fast trip to a likely disaster. A man who is guided by shallow feelings can just as quickly change and leave her at the station. If she agrees and they quickly rush to marriage without really getting to know one another and bonding in a healthy manner, she will find herself with a lot of work to do AFTER the wedding or in a divorce. I believe that this is a major contributor to the reason that there is an almost 70% divorce rate for second marriages. If the man is moving too quickly and the woman is wise, she will step back from the Christian dating or Christian “courting” relationship. The very thing that the man was hoping to accomplish has now blown up in his face. He has just confessed that he is filled with his own selfish needs and not interested in taking the time to get to know her and build a Christian dating or Christian “courting” relationship. Loneliness and void create strong forces. If one feels sorry and “feeds” these feelings, they will soon be taken under as if in a giant tornado. Find ways to move out of your isolation and into the company of friends and family. Let the Christian dating or Christian “courting” relationship build slowly. Grabbing the first person that responds to you in a positive manner and running off to the altar is not the way to “satisfy” the force. You are only replacing it with another force – and the odds are you will not be happy with what you find in marriage. There is a law that is beginning to surface as I relate to Christian singles. The law is that the older one becomes, the more foolish they will be about their choices for a Christian dating or Christian “courting” relationship. I hear the opposite expressed to me over and over again. It goes something like “I am ___ and old enough to know exactly what I want and need.” Evidence does not prove this statement to be true. I met with an 81-year-old man this past week that is seeking a mate. He will not listen to any suggestion that he may not marry again. He is consumed with finding a mate. He has been a widow for 7 months and the force is strong within him. Age does not make you wiser when it comes to a Christian dating or Christian “courting” relationship. Relax! I do not care what your age is or your circumstances; God is working for your good. Partner with Him and seek His Spirit’s guidance and blessing on every step. Do not follow the temptation to take matters into your own hands and make your own choices. My ears are ringing from those who have done so and now are crying out with remorse.
Slide 50: When it comes to wisdom in your Christian dating or Christian “courting” relationships, I leave you with one final question. Would you rather spend your life single, or married to a person who brings hell into your world? I know that you would quickly share that you want to be married to the right person. I agree – and challenge you to take the time to slowly build a Christian dating or Christian “courting” relationship when opportunities present themselves. Time is your friend and not your enemy, as Satan would have you believe. In His love, Pastor Jim BigChurch : This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet .